It Might as Well Be Fall

The Colleges

Pollsters and bowl scouts tend to ignore early-season games and concentrate on teams that gain momentum later.

So, as a public service to fans interested in the contenders for the postseason Three Mile Island Stupor Bowl Classic, Bottom Ten computer technicians spent hundreds of hours amassing data to determine which teams have been the coldest in November.

The most frozen surprisingly turns out to be Nebraska, famed for its unusually bulky linemen. The ungainly Cornhucksters are winless this month and have been allowing opponents an average of 27 points per game.

Others who have been shut out the entire month include the Arizona Mildcats, the Texas Shorthorns and the UCLA Ruins (who barely eked out a win in October, for that matter). How cruel of the Oregon schools to renew their campaign to have UCLA removed from the Pac-10 on the grounds that it’s noncompetitive and doesn’t draw well.

THE NOVEMBER RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Nebraska (0-1) 21-27, Colorado Kansas 2. Arizona (0-1) 28-29, Cal USC 3. Texas (0-1) 17-24, T. Tech Houston 4. W. Va. (0-1) 9-19, Penn St Rutgers 5. UCLA (0-1) 14-17, Stanford Oregon 6. N.C. St (0-1) 9-20, Virginia Duke 7. Florida (0-1) 7-10, Auburn Georgia 8. Iowa (0-1) 7-31, Illinois Ohio St 9. Washngton (0-1) 32-34, Ariz St Oregon St 10. Miss St (0-1) 10-23, Alabama Tulane

11-20 (Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz’s 10 most bizarre statements):

11. “I don’t know if we’ll go to a bowl game,” (November, 1989); 12. “We’re going to avoid it (recurring) at all costs or I’ll resign,” (after USC brawl, October, 1989); 13. “This is the last story that will be ever done on Lou Holtz,” (to Wall Street Journal interviewer, December, 1988); 14. “I’ve never had a game in my coaching career that concerns me as much as this one (against 0-7 Rice) . . . I’m scared to death” (November, 1988); 15. “Our second and third teams were terrible (in 40-7 win over Purdue),” (October, 1989).

16. “I’m not the kind of person who jumps from thing to thing (six head coaching jobs),” (December, 1988); 17. “We’re not a very good football team right now,” (November, 1988; when Irish were 8-0); 18. Performing well against Virginia would be “asking an awful lot of young football players that haven’t played before,” (August, 1989); 19. “We still have a long way to go before we’re a good team (after routing Virginia by 23 points),” (August, 1989); 20. “I’m going to be worried about Southern Methodist (November, 1989).

HOLTZ RESIGNATION WATCH (see No. 15): He’s still on the job. The Irish were penalized only 25 yards against Navy and refrained from any pregame attacks.

COMEDOWN OF THE WEEK (14-point turnaround): Texas, a seven-point favorite, fell to Texas Tech by that margin.

The Pros

Now that Dallas has ruined its chance to become the NFL’s first 0-16 team, who boasts the league’s longest current losing streak?

The Los Angeles Lambs, of course (as well as Tampa--but Bay teams really shouldn’t count). The Lambs have dropped four straight, leaving them just 22 short of Tampa’s all-time record.

Elsewhere, Seattle’s Seashocks (4-5) staged a clinic on the various ways of fumbling. They bobbled it away eight times, including two on snaps, another when quarterback Dave Krieg crashed into fullback John L. Williams on a play-action fake, another on an aborted pitch to Williams and two others on sacks.

Oddly enough, they neglected to show off their bounce-the-snap-off-the-field-goal-holder’s-head-when-he-isn’t-looking play, which drew big laughs a couple of weeks ago.

THE RANKINGS

SWOON CONFERENCE

Team, Record Streak Next Loss 1. Rams (5-4) Lost 4 Giants 2. Tampa (3-6) Lost 4 Minnesota 3. Detroit (1-8) Lost 3 Bay (Green)

SPINNING WHEELS CONFERENCE

Team Performance Results 1. Washington 52 passes 3 points 2. Cincinnati 40 passes 7 points

QB-FOR-A-DAY CONFERENCE*

Record as Starter Last Week This Week 1. S. Grogan (1-2) 26-27, Jets ??? 2. D. Flutie (1-2) Idle Idle 3. T. Eason (1-2) Gone Gone 4. M. Wilson (0-0) Idle Idle??? 4. Laufenberg (0-0)** Idle Idle

*New England Patriots are only member.

**Now with Dallas but figures to be traded to Pats.

QUOTEBOOK: Pete Axthelm on ESPN: “The holding call on the Rams’ Henry Ellard (against Minnesota) was the worst call in the history of Western Civilization.” (Ranks just ahead of the condemnation of Socrates by Athenian authorities in 399 BC.)

QUOTEBOOK II: Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly, after Denver owner Pat Bowlen called him the magazine’s “director of smut” for an article he wrote on QB John Elway: “Pat must have suffered more brain damage in that (preseason) bicycling accident than we figured.”