Few admirals run a tighter ship than...

Few admirals run a tighter ship than Mickey Mouse.

Male employees on the Queen Mary have been told they can’t wear beards or mustaches by the Walt Disney Co., which manages the QM. The same restrictions apply to Disney’s Spruce Goose next door.

“We’re sprucing up the property, and Disney thought this would be the time for the employees to have a clean, scrubbed look, too,” said Jennifer Nestegard of the Queen Mary.

James Magness, the QM’s 63-year-old first officer, has threatened to resign his commission rather than shave off the mustache he wore aboard (moving) ships in the Navy during the Korean War.

Too bad Walt Disney’s not alive to defend Magness. After all, Disney also sported a mustache.

What’s this? United Parcel Service advising the public to “move it yourself?”

At first glance you could get that impression. UPS has been so swamped with business locally that it has been forced to rent some Ryder vans to make deliveries.

So, instead of arriving in their familiar brown vans, some UPS drivers are arriving at their destinations in yellow trucks that carry Ryder’s “Move It Yourself” motto.

One of the hits at the Rose Tattoo cabaret the other night was satirist Heidi MacDonald, who crooned three of her own compositions, “Stepping Out With My AK-47,” “Beneath the Gaze of Elvis,” and “Another Nervous Breakdown.”

MacDonald is not a regular at the West Hollywood club. In fact, her performance was her final exam for a UCLA extension class, “Putting Your Act Together.”

Ten other classmates--ranging from Don Beach, who sang some Jolson ballads, to country singer Joan Mulligan--also entertained before the full house.

Curriculum for the six-week course consisted of polishing up three songs each, as well as learning “everything from how to hold a mike--and move a mike stand up and down--to how to feel comfortable talking to an audience,” said their teacher, Maureen Mershon, a professional cabaret performer.

At the final exam, Mershon said: “I felt like a mother hen watching over them. It was a great experience for me, too. I got a note from one woman that said, ‘This has been a dream of mine for 10 years. Thanks for letting it come true.’ ”

And, finally, how about a hand for classroom (and final-exam) pianist Katie Main!

What the Tournament of Roses Parade is to the Rose Queen, the arrival of 330,000 pounds of live Maine lobsters at LAX was to Susan Hagg, Miss Lobster L.A.

She clapped her little padded claws enthusiastically for what was billed as the largest crustacean crowd to pass through here.

The plane that brought the lobsters has evidently made history before, though.

Members of its Canadian crew said that it once was the official plane of Charles de Gaulle, the late French president, who was known to be crabby on occasion.

A West Los Angeles advertiser carries a blurb from Mike Glickman Realty, which is offering a three-bedroom house “north of Sunset” for $590,000.

Oh, yes--the blurb adds that it’s in “move-in condition.”