Sure, the traffic--and the pace of life...

Sure, the traffic--and the pace of life in general--is becoming more hectic here. Luckily, there’s an antidote. This appears to be the massage capital of the world, judging from a survey of LA Weekly.

The newspaper carries classified ads for Russian massage, holistic massage, hypnotic massage (no nude or topless), French massage, student massage, Asian massage, German massage, Swedish massage, and a home-grown version, “California Swedish massage” (no doubt featuring an avocado spread on the customer’s body).

There’s even Australian massage.

G’day!

A ski resort’s sign on U.S. 395 near Lone Pine contends: “We have more flakes than Venice Beach.”

Even in the summer?

The Medflies keep coming back--their return is less romantic than the swallows’--but Chris Norby has no plans to update his 8-year-old Monopoly-like Medfly Game.

“It’s a little outdated now,” acknowledged Norby, a Fullerton city councilman. “It’s got people like (former Gov.) Jerry Brown, Orson Welles and (former Lt. Gov.) Mike Curb.”

Norby says he sold “a couple thousand” copies of the board game, which was “more political satire than a kids’ game.”

Some of its “Crop Cards,” similar to Monopoly’s “Chance” and “Community Chest” cards, still seem current though.

For instance:

- “Medfly attacks Telly Savalas after mistaking him for a Honeydew melon.”

- “Malibu health food store begins selling carob-coated Medflies as gourmet delicacies.”

Dan Dektar reports that the slowing drivers who jammed up the Valley’s freeways the other day to watch the last flight of Lockheed’s SR-71 Blackbird spy plane weren’t alone. Dektar spotted a Southern Pacific freight train that had stopped, with the engineer leaning his head out the window to take a gander.

About 3,147 former pieces of evidence arrived at the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank on Thursday, which was good news for the needy.

The frozen delicacies were confiscated California spiny lobsters donated by the state Department of Fish and Game to the bank, which accepts private and public food donations and distributes them to 475 agencies in the county.

Seized in August, 1988, because they were smaller than the legal limit, the costly crustaceans remained in cold storage as evidence against the fish companies that bought them. No jurors or lawyers handled the goods during the judicial proceedings, by the way. They were viewed from a distance.

Speaking of good news, Ethel Bruce of North Hollywood has a message for an old friend, Alyse McLaughlin. Bruce was saddened to read that McLaughlin was one of the people whose residence was damaged in the Westwood fire.

Bruce phoned The Times to say: “If she lost her personal things, I want her to know that I have 17 years of Christmas cards that contain photos of her family from the 1940s through the 1960s. I’d be only too happy to give them to her.”

Employees at Cal State Northridge are officially celebrating Abraham Lincoln’s birthday today. No, it’s not a reflection on the school’s history department.

This bit of revisionism stems from the fact that there are no classes this week and that many employees take those days off anyhow. So the state universities rescheduled several holidays, including the 16th President’s birth, for the last week. Honest Abe.

Meanwhile, a group of local history buffs excitedly report that they’ve formed the Millard Fillmore Bicentennial Commission. They’re planning what surely will be a giant nationwide celebration of the 200th anniversary of the 13th President’s birth.

As every Fillmore fan knows, the big day will be Jan. 7, 2000.

Theme of the celebration, according to Panorama City pediatrician Hal Bass, will be:

“A New Millennium and Millard, Too.”

Let’s hope Cal State Northridge doesn’t gum up the works by celebrating it in December of 1999.