Holtz’s Big Sin Is That He Wins, Wins, Wins

And so, Lou Holtz’s Longest Season comes to a merciful close.

Chill out, little fella. Take the rest of the winter off, babe. Have a nicer 1990. Happy Lou year.

The little coach with the sour-lemon expression will occupy the Orange Bowl sideline tonight as Notre Dame attempts to kick the citrus out of No. 1-ranked Colorado.

Lou is prepared. Lou has done his homework. Lou knows everything there is to know about tonight’s big game, except the name of the Colorado quarterback and where the hidden tape recorders are stashed.

Nothing is seriously wrong with Lou Holtz, folks, except he could use Rosemary Woods for a secretary. She could erase the tapes.

No wonder the man keeps a giant jar of Rolaids on his office desk.

Let’s take a look at the kind of 1989 Lou Holtz had, shall we?

--While winning the national championship at the Jan. 1 Fiesta Bowl, Notre Dame’s players were found guilty of repeated unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties during scuffles with players from West Virginia.

--Off-the field incidents led to the season-long suspensions of two of Holtz’s top players, his All-American linebacker and Dick Butkus award candidate, Michael Stonebreaker, and his tailback and top returning ground-gainer, Tony Brooks.

--Starting defensive end Arnold Ale transferred to UCLA.

--A former administrator from the University of Minnesota testified that football players were given under-the-table payments during the 1984 and ’85 seasons, when the Golden Gopher coach was Lou Holtz.

--A fistfight before the game even began caused the Notre Dame coach to author a letter of apology to the players and coaches of USC and to vow that he would resign if any similar rhubarb happened again.

--Published reports, vehemently denied by Holtz, had him considering NFL coaching jobs in Atlanta and elsewhere.

--Against Miami, in the college game of the year, Notre Dame permitted a first-down pass completion on third-and-44, never recovered from it, lost the game and lost its No. 1 ranking.

--Prior to the Orange Bowl, a private pep talk to his players was secretly tape-recorded and played to the Colorado players, who in Holtz’s words had “been living a lie” and would discover on New Year’s Day that “they ain’t playing any Kansas State.”

--And, at an Orange Bowl luncheon before an audience of 1,400, Holtz mistakenly identified the Colorado quarterback as Sal Aunese, who earlier in the year died of stomach cancer.

“Our quarterback is not Sal Aunese; he’s dead,” Colorado Coach Bill McCartney said. “They (Notre Dame) are in trouble right there because they’re going to think that we only have 10 guys on the field.”

And you thought Gerry Faust had problems coaching Notre Dame.

“Expectations are unrealistic,” Holtz recently said, citing some of the particular difficulties of his job. “Notre Dame is judged by a different standard.”

Yes, to some extent.

On the other hand, like most college teams, Notre Dame is expected to hang onto its players, hang onto the football and to be notified by its scouts whether the opposing quarterback is alive or dead.

For a team that wins and wins and wins, Notre Dame sure is having a bad time. After all, the Irish have won 23 of their last 24 games. If Lou Holtz looks sad now, you ought to see him at a fire.

Ol’ sleepy-eye, droopy-chin Lou is apologizing again. He’s always apologizing for something. He sings “I’m Sorry” more often than Brenda Lee. He’s sorrier than Ryan O’Neal was to Ali MacGraw. Holtz has apologized to more people than Jimmy Swaggart.

For several weeks, Holtz even apologized for his team being ranked No. 1.

Never mind that Notre Dame was undefeated last season. Never mind that the Irish opened this season with 11 consecutive wins, numbering both Rose Bowl opponents among their victims. “We’re not that good,” Holtz insisted.

Not that good, eh? So how come ol’ Holtzie told his troops that Notre Dame will go back to being No. 1 if it takes care of Colorado? So how come the coach said “they ain’t playing any Kansas State?”

And by the way, you Kansas State folks, be expecting that apology in the mail any morning now.

Actually, we sympathize with Lou Holtz. All he was doing was giving his boys a pep talk. When Knute Rockne did it, they called him a legend. When Holtz does it, they call him a rat.

As for this “lie” Colorado is living, we remind our reading audience that this is not the first time the Buffaloes have been accused of this sort of bull.

They’re always using somebody’s words against them, even when the words are twisted or fabricated. They used quotes by Illinois quarterback Jeff George to inspire themselves for a game earlier this season. Fine, except Jeff George never said any of the things he was quoted as saying.

No wonder Lou is a little rattled these days. Not surprising that he thinks a guardian angel is going to be quarterbacking Colorado today. Bill McCartney and Wings.

Good luck, Lou. If you beat Colorado, be sure to say you’re sorry. If you lose, be sure to say you’re sorry. We know we’ve been kidding you a lot about being sorry. We’re sorry.