Might as Well Throw In a Punch Line

Ladies . . . and gentlemen! Preeee-senting! Our main event! Ten rounds of boxing--if you want to call it boxing! Or less than 10, depending on which of these old coots collapses first!

“Innn . . . this corner, in the dark trunks! With the dark eyebrows and the darker future! Weighing in at 231 pounds, much of it in his head! He lost to Larry Holmes! He lost to Michael Spinks! You’ve lost money betting on him! Gerrrry . . . Gooney!

“Andddd . . . in this corner! In the light trunks! An incredibly large pair of light trunks, may we add! Weighing in at 253 1/4 pounds, at least before this morning’s breakfast! Theformer heavyweight champion of the world, heavier than ever! The man who wants his belt back, only several sizes larger! Georrrrge . . . Forehead!

“Your referee . . . Howie Bilkum!”

“OK, boys, here are your instructions: Let’s have a good, clean fight. No kidney punches, no rabbit punches, no love-handle grabbing, no punches below the waist, assuming you can find George’s waist.

“When I say ‘break,’ make sure you break. I’d get between you, but there’s not enough room in the ring for the three of us. I’ll be standing right out there on the apron if you need me.

“Gerry, if you get hurt, you be sure to tell me, because it’s hard to tell when you’re punchy from your natural state. When you fall--excuse me, if you fall--please be careful, because this is a brand new canvas and we don’t want it damaged. Fall softly.

“George, you can’t wear that helmet into the ring. Oh, I see . . . that’s not a helmet, that’s your head. OK, fine. Stay away from Gerry’s ribs. Stay away from his cole slaw and fries. When you hear the bell, George, that means the round is over, and not that dinner is served.

“OK, boys, shake hands and come out fighting. And may the best man win. Sorry, Gerry. They make me say that.”

“Hello again, everybody, I’m Jim Lampshade, here to do the blow-by-blow on tonight’s pay-per-view telecast, and we hope somebody lands at least one blow. We’re sure you’re going to get your money’s worth. Sorry. They make me say that.

“Well, you’ve all heard how this fight’s been promoted: ‘The Preacher and the Puncher.’ ‘The Geezers at Caesars.’ ‘Jerk and the Fat Man.’ ‘Two Heifers Come to Jersey!’ ‘The Dopes on the Ropes.’

“Before the bell sounds, we’d like to apologize to our viewers for this camera angle from the top row of the arena. It was the only way we could get both of these fighters into the same frame.

“OK, here we go! Paramedics are standing by! Neither fighter is breathing particularly hard at this point, but of course the fight hasn’t started yet! Gerry Gooney looks completely recovered from his shadow-boxing injury, when he took six stitches from a punch by his shadow. George Forehead looks formidable in his white trunks and matching truss.

“Waiting for the bell now. The 33-year-old Gooney vs. the 41-year-old Forehead. The aging bulls! Winner of this bout gets a probable shot at either Mike Tyson or Evander Holyfield, who are both at ringside, laughing their heads off.

“And there’s the bell! Round 1! Gooney crosses the ring, circles, starts out slowly, feels Forehead out . . . and he’s down! Gerry Gooney is down!

“His corner seems to be throwing in the towel! No, it’s only to wipe up the wet spot where he fell! George Forehead has gone back to his corner! He seems to be eating a baloney-and-cheese sandwich! Ick! I don’t think George should be drinking from that bucket!

“The referee is counting over Gooney! Five . . . six . . . seven . . . he’s up! Gerry’s corner is advising him to stay down until eight! Gerry is confused, because it’s only 7:30! The ref’s checking Gooney now to see if he’s all right! He’s asking Gerry how many fingers he’s holding up. Gerry’s saying he couldn’t have answered that question before the fight.

“OK, he’s letting them continue! Here comes George, charging out of his corner! Uh, oh! He’s gotta go back now, to put the sandwich down! Gooney attacks! A left! A right! Another left! Uh, oh! George is turning around now! He’s facing Gerry now! Gerry’s running away now!

“Wow! Look at that! That’s incredible! What grace! What footwork! I’ve never seen moves like that! Well, enough about the ring girl! On with the fight! George throws a punch! Misses by a mile! And Gooney is down again! That’s the hardest he has almost been hit in his life!

“Seven . . . eight . . . nine . . . that’s it! The alleged fight is over! Gooney is still unconscious! I know, I know . . . how can you tell?

“Let’s see if we can get a few words with the winner. George? George! What did you think of the fight, George?”

“What fight?”

“When did you know you had him, George?”

“December.”

“What was the toughest part of the fight, George?”

“Fighting with these reading glasses on.”

“What’s next for you, George?”

“Room service.”

“Any truth to the rumor that you’re turning senile, George?”

“No, I deny that.”

“By the way, what do you think of Mike Tyson, George?”

“No, I deny that.”