If Your Movie Mouth Runneth Over, Please Do Not Disturb the ‘Avids’

Of all the villains of this world, surely the worst, the most heinous, are those who wantonly assault anyone within their reach. Like gang hoodlums, afternoon TV talk-show hosts and--the Movie Talker.

Is there anything more vexatious to the film fan than sitting down next to someone who starts squawking the moment the lights go down and doesn’t stop until the IATSE symbol rolls up at the end?

So I cheered when I read recently about the manager of an AMC theater in Washington who has decided to give these pinheads a one-way ticket back to the parking lot.

I’m not talking about the people who occasionally turn and whisper, “Excuse me, honey, I’m going to the restroom,” or who quietly ask Aunt Bertha, “Shall I get the regular or the Trough o’ Popcorn?” This diatribe applies to the hard-core abuser, the guy who has watched so many ballgames on TV that he thinks every activity in life needs a play-by-play announcer.

“Oh, man, did you see what Michael Douglas just did to Kathleen Turner? That was out-ray-juss!!! You know what I’d do if that were me? I’d go into her closet, you know? And take out every dress and run ‘em through the washer on the wrong cycle, man. Yeah. And then I’d. . . . “

I suspect that a thorough psychoanalysis of Movie Talkers’ personal histories might reveal that many of them, as tykes, happened to utter their first words in a movie theater. Whereupon Mommy and Daddy got so excited, were so overwhelming with their positive reinforcement, that they instantly ingrained a lifetime Pavlovian urge to speak in a cinema.

More likely, though, the Movie Talker simply forgets that there is a difference between sitting at home in the Barcalounger watching “Jeopardy!”--in which case vocalizing is required (“What are GROUND SLOTHS, you idiot! GROUND SLOTHS!”) --and being in a public place surrounded by the public.

If I’m so sensitive, why don’t I just stay home and rent a video? Thousands, perhaps millions, do. I have one friend who refuses to go to a movie theater any more because he gets too incensed by sitting next to some Jabberwock. But, as purists know, retreating to the couch is not an acceptable option: Nothing beats the experience of seeing a movie on a big screen in a first-class theater.

Anyway, unlike the no-nonsense manager of the AMC theater in Washington whose actions made the national wire services, the folks who run Orange County movie theaters don’t consider talkers a problem worth addressing.

An AMC official told The Times that there are no plans to institute similar policies here, because audiences at the chain’s 24 theaters in Orange County are 70% “avids” (film biz talk for regular moviegoers) and talking in local theaters is “on the downturn.”

Well, that certainly wasn’t the case at the theater I attended last week. True, it wasn’t an AMC theater, but I don’t imagine it makes a big difference which chain you patronize (or do the Movie Talkers stop and say “Gee, I don’t seem to have much to say today--guess I better hop on over to the Edwards!” )

As I sat waiting for the movie to begin, some lunkhead started reading along with the opening titles--assuming, as do most of his species, that everyone else in the theater dropped out of school after first grade.

The worst part isn’t that talking during a movie is downright rude but that it interferes with my ability to appreciate the subtle craft that is the cinema. At one point I actually got so distracted by this pea brain’s constant asides to his companion that I nearly missed the crucial plot twist where the giant sand worm ate the station wagon.

I hate that.

A few days later, though, I stumbled across another news item:

It seems that Westminster wants to find a more profitable use for the pricey Beach Boulevard site where the venerable Hi-Way 39 drive-in stands, and officials are talking about tearing it down.

I suggest that anyone caught talking in a walk-in theater be ejected, but instead of getting no refund--as happens at that theater in Washington--the offender could be awarded a pass to the drive-in! There, with his Yugo’s windows rolled up, he could chatter away ad infinitum without bothering a soul. And by catering specifically to the Movie Talker, the drive-in will attract bigger crowds than ever, placating the theater owner, the city and the “avids” to boot.

I don’t hold much hope that the city will adopt this farsighted plan. But it might be worth talking about.

DR, Steve Lopez