Legislators Toady to Chickens, Marmots

You probably didn’t know that the national welfare was threatened by an epidemic of toad-licking. You might not be aware that people are scaring the very life out of the chickens of America.

Don’t panic. While you’ve been blithely ignoring the world’s problems, state legislators around the nation have been earning their pay by discovering these and other predicaments--some more serious than others--and boldly trying to solve them.

Bills have been introduced this year to exempt ostrich steaks from California’s state sales tax, to improve campaign manners in New Mexico and to encourage people to beat up flag burners in Tennessee.

“Potty parity” for women is the goal of bills in Pennsylvania and Maryland. The bills would require more toilets for women to eliminate the long lines that form outside women’s restrooms in stadiums, convention halls and other public places.

There have been proposals to designate the “senior hoary marmot” at the Anchorage Zoo as the official State Marmot of Alaska, the yucca moth as the official State Insect of Colorado, and--we’re not making this up--the Crider soil series as the official State Soil of Kentucky, the Houdek soil as the official State Soil of South Dakota and the Kalkaska soil series as the official State Soil of Michigan.

West Virginia legislators are considering a proposal to give lottery tickets to motorists who use their seat belts. A generous legislator in Indiana wanted to pay citizens $25, in the form of an income tax credit, for voting.

And a state senator in New Mexico proposed creating a new county--named after him.

You might be tempted to believe that all is not serious in America’s legislatures. But that would be ignoring some of the issues facing elected officials.

It turns out, for instance, that there are people who get their kicks licking toads. According to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, South American cane toads secrete a hallucinogenic toxin that can get the licker as high as a tree frog.

Legislators in Georgia and South Carolina have introduced bills to outlaw the practice.

“They say these frogs grow to the size of a dinner plate,” said horrified Rep. Pat Harris of South Carolina. “I don’t want to see somebody walk across the Statehouse grounds with a frog on a leash and pick him up and lick him.”

You may laugh, but only until you consider the plight of the common chicken.

One of Harris’ colleagues, Rep. Larry Koon, has introduced a bill making it illegal in South Carolina to fire a gun within 300 yards of a chicken coop.

The sound of gunshot, it seems, can cause chickens to lose their vaunted self-composure, jump into a pile and suffocate each other.

“Last year, one of Mr. Koon’s constituents had chickens in a house,” explained Rep. Tom Rhoad. “Someone had a dove shoot in the field right next to the chicken house. And the guns fired and caused the chickens to huddle up in a corner, and the farmer lost over 1,000 chickens.”

Then there is the plight of whales and turtles. Environmentalists say helium-filled balloons like the ones released by the thousands at football halftime shows can drift out to sea, pop and shower their remnants into the water for whales and turtles to eat. The balloons can kill them.

With that in mind, a bill was introduced in the Tennessee Senate to prohibit the launching of clusters of more than 24 balloons at sporting events or political conventions unless the balloons disintegrate in water--but the author of the bill made one little mistake.

The bill, as written, would allow one cluster of 24 balloons for every person at an event--which means that as many as 2.3 million balloons could be released from the University of Tennessee Neyland Stadium at a single game.

The popping alone would be enough to give a chicken the shakes.