Academic Decathlon Quiz Is No Test for This Graduate

You saw the headlines: Local boys make good. Laguna Hills High School picks up first place in the California Academic Decathlon in bucolic Bakersfield.

Well, not to take anything away from the guys or anything, but I’m thinking: How hard could it have been?

I mean, we’re talking high school here. I’ve done that.

So I call Michael Hulsizer, who coordinated this year’s little contest--OK, so there were 47 teams; who’s really counting?--and volunteer for a pop quiz.

Truth be told, I think it was senior Jeff McCombs, Laguna Hill’s team captain, who made me do it. This is what Jeff, flush with victory, was quoted as saying:

“Our team is unique. We’re self-motivated and really competitive.”

This is unique, Jeff? Like, what? I’m not self-motivated and really competitive?

All right, California Academic Decathlon, I’m thinking. Let me have at it.

First up on my quiz is literature which, not to brag or anything, was always one of my strong suits.

Question No. 1:

Which author, as one of his/her contributions to American fiction, humanized sex?

a) Sinclair Lewis

b) Theodore Drieser

c) Willa Cather

d) Ernest Hemingway

e) F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Now wait a minute. This is a question? What kind of a question is this? What do high school kids know about sex? No, scratch that.

Based upon the principles of decency and parental solidarity, I refuse to answer this question.

Next Michael asks me if I am up for math. Moi ? I say. Why, I can switch from right brain to left brain without so much as a twitch. Let ‘er rip.

Question No. 2:

Kathy is juggling an apple, a peach, a strawberry, a kiwi, an orange and a watermelon. Then she drops them. If they all land along a straight line, how many different arrangements of fallen fruits can be formed?

a) 5

b) 6

c) 5 x 5!

d) 6!

e) 6 !/2

Obviously this is a trick question. What are the chances that the kiwi is going to survive the watermelon? And a strawberry! Come on, Michael. Get real.

And what’s with this “!” business? Like I don’t know that 5 x 5 is 25? Since when does shouting solve anything? Geez. Try again.

Michael agrees to select a more plausible question. We stick with math, but this time more socially relevant math.

Question No. 3:

In one day, the Jackson family makes $15,000 in royalties. If Michael spends three-fifths on plastic surgery, Janet and LaToya each take one-eighth to go shopping and Jermaine spends 10%, how much is left for the rest of the family?

a) $750

b) $2,700

c) $7,500

d) $12,300

e) $14,250

All right, fun lovers, what’s wrong with this picture?

I have an idea. Since when can you get a decent nose job for under $15,000? And Janet content with one-eighth of $15,000? Gimme a break. This is a woman whose concert tickets just sold out in what was it, an hour?

Nah, I don’t like this one either. No sense answering. It would lend this question a false sense of credibility.

Well, finally, Michael suggests a history question. Can’t mess with history, can you? At last, a question that may not be beneath my dignity to answer.

Question No. 4:

In the mid 1920s, President Coolidge twice refused to sign legislation proposing to:

a) regulate farm prices

b) lower taxes

c) exempt farmers cooperatives from antitrust laws

d) make the United States a member of the World Court

e) outlaw the Ku Klux Klan

This is easy, really Mickey Mouse, as we cool high-schoolers used to say. This is so easy, in fact, that I am not going to insult your intelligence by spelling it all out here.

But for you fussbudgets out there, those of you who are sticklers for accuracy, well, OK, here are the official California Academic Decathlon answers. I want you to know, however, that I am divulging them against my better judgement.

Question No. 1: b) Theodore Drieser

Question No. 2: d) 6! (which means 6 factorial, or 1 x 2 x 3 x 4 x 5 x 6, or 720, not six !!

Question No. 3: a) $750

Question No. 4: a) regulate farm prices.

Dianne Klein’s column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Klein by writing to her at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7406.