In Vancouver, They’re Taking Slap Shots at Lowly Canucks

The Vancouver Province, a tabloid newspaper, is conducting a contest in which readers are asked to submit ideas on how the Vancouver Canucks can be improved. The Canucks are last in the Smythe Division.

First prize in the contest is two tickets to a Canucks game. Second prize is four tickets. Third prize is six tickets. . . .

Wait a minute: Said General Manager Bill Polian of the Buffalo Bills, after the club signed quarterback Jim Kelly to a seven-year, $21-million contract: “You have to pay the market price. If a Cadillac costs $15,000, that’s what you have to pay for it.”

Question: Where can you get a Cadillac for $15,000?

Trivia time: How did Ak-Sar-Ben Race Track in Omaha get its name?

Sinking feeling: According to Tom Verducci of Newsday, owner George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees told stockholders in American Ship Building Co. that the company faces “a serious cash crunch.”

Verducci: “Steinbrenner has found getting loans difficult because the company is in default on a $15-million loan.”

Knuckling down: The Cleveland Indians’ Tom Candiotti has a simple solution to shortened spring training. Use knuckleballers, who require less training time.

“Start me, then bring back Phil Niekro, get Hoyt Wilhelm and Wilbur Wood out of retirement and let us start the first two weeks,” Candiotti said. “What a rotation!”

What a guy: From Mary Schmitt of the St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch: “The Indiana Pacers’ Dick Versace is not your typical NBA coach. He has a degree in American Literature from the University of Wisconsin. He lists Ernest Hemingway as the most influential person in his life ‘because he opened up the contemplative side of me, which I never knew existed.’ His mother, Tere, wrote ‘The Flying Nun.’ ”

Garden genius: Said the Philadelphia 76ers’ Derek Smith, after Larry Bird torched him for 41 points at Boston:

“He’s clever, but never so clever as when he’s in the Boston Garden. His IQ goes up in the Garden.”

Add Bird: Said Celtic guard Charles Smith: “When Larry’s hot like that, you just get him the ball. Even when he’s not hot, you get him the ball.”

Panama report: Roberto Kelly of the Yankees, a native of Panama, said of his homeland: “It’s better, but the police have no guns because the people are afraid they might try to take over. So there are thieves and robbers all over, and the police can’t do anything about it. You’re better off if you don’t wear too much gold or have too much money in your pockets.”

Telling it like it is: Said Northern Iowa wrestler Duane Martin, when asked if he had any comment after losing his opening match in the NCAA Wrestling Championships: “It ruined my day. How’s that?”

Trivia answer: It’s Nebraska spelled backward.

Quotebook: NBC basketball analyst Al McGuire, on Terry Holland’s resignation as the Virginia basketball coach to become the athletic director at Davidson: “I guarantee that if Thomas Jefferson were alive, he wouldn’t allow Terry Holland to leave Virginia.”