Conflict Theories Take On World

As a former business consultant, Solana Beach psychologist Thomas Gordon has seen bosses straight out of “Nightmare on Elm Street”--intimidating, Freddy Krueger-type superiors who stop at nothing to get their way.

The 72-year-old author of seven books on interpersonal relationships--including effective parenting and teaching-- has seen how unhealthy aggression can poison communication between husbands and wives, students and teachers, friends and lovers.

Now the founder of one of the world’s largest human relations training firms, whose theories are employed by the San Diego Unified School District and firms such as Exxon, Coca-Cola and General Motors, wants to take his insights into conflict-solving out of the consultation room and onto the street in what he calls a global gesture toward world peace.

On Saturday, Gordon’s Effectiveness Training Inc. will sponsor free conflict resolution training seminars in more than 27 countries--on the theory that solving wars at home and at school isn’t much different from solving wars between nations.

More than 500 authorized instructors will conduct the eight-hour classes in all sorts of unlikely venues--from an auditorium at the Sorbonne in Paris to the grand ballroom of a Bermuda hotel to five classroom locations throughout San Diego--counseling people in the art of negotiation.

It’s no harmonic convergence, no connecting on telepathic waves, Gordon said--just qualified authorities offering common-sense advice to help people get along.

“You have to remember, negotiating between nations is done by people,” he said. “You can’t achieve world peace all at once. You do it a relationship at a time. These seminars are simply aimed at getting people to listen to one another.

“If we’re successful, we’ll show people there is an alternative to violence. And that not only applies to breakdowns between nations, but between husbands and wives, parents and children, teachers and students, just about anyone.”

Called “No-Lose Conflict-Resolution Training,” the course will teach participants 15 and older specific skills to end power struggles, turn arguments into agreements and replace competition with cooperation, Gordon said.

His six-step method defuses power struggles by clarifying and meeting the needs of both parties in any disagreement. The goal is teaching people that they don’t have to be the victor in every dispute.

“All relationships have conflicts--they’re inevitable,” he said.

“But there are ways to handle these conflicts so neither person comes out feeling like they’re the loser. In the end, it will help people develop better, more satisfying and enduring relationships.”

Gordon has credentials to back up his experience. A former psychology professor at the University of Chicago, he maintained a private practice in Pasadena for 18 years while writing a series of books to teach people how to communicate more effectively. Today, his Solana Beach firm offers courses on all aspects of interpersonal communication.

He is perhaps best known for his “Parent Effectiveness Training” and “Teacher Effectiveness Training” books, which have sold millions of copies worldwide, the psychologist said.

Beverly Foster, assistant superintendent for the San Diego Unifed School District, said the district has endorsed several of Gordon’s teaching techniques. “We support what he’s done,” she said.

“He’s very legitimate. He’s done a lot of work with teachers and parents throughout the county and the state. He’s committed. He’s not just one of those fly-by-nights who comes rolling through with a package to sell.”

Gordon, past president of the California State Psychological Assn. and member of two White House task committees on children, said many of his peace-keeping theories originated during years spent as a consultant for business and industry.

“I found the most successful offices had supervisors who listened to their staff, who solicited their opinions,” he said. “But too many were run by overly aggressive jerks who always made a point of getting their way.”

The same scenario develops in households and at school, where parents and teachers too often go overboard in their attempts to play boss.

“It’s parents who use punishment to resolve conflicts, who never learn that punishment doesn’t control kids, who end up with antisocial children who suffer psychologically, often the rest of their lives.”

Gordon dreamed up the idea for the worldwide seminars several years ago as a small gesture to further world peace. The classes will be taught by teachers from South Africa to the Soviet Union who have been instructed in Gordon’s theories of one-on-one communication, he said.

So who does crisis-solver Gordon look up to as the Grand Master of Negotiations?

“It’s Jimmy Carter--for the work he did at Camp David bringing a resolution to the Arab-Israeli conflict,” he said. “In four or five days, he took the leaders of two countries that had been bitter enemies for as long as anyone can remember and got them to come to terms on their differences.

“Two men who had never even shaken hands before hugged one another on world television. We can all learn something from a gesture like that.”