RELATIONSHIPS : Distance Makes the Heart Grow Harder If You Travel Angry

Ellen and David are in Rome on a long-anticipated vacation. They are living out a high-priced fantasy, walking hand in hand in one of the most romantic cities in the world.

Then it starts to rain. David tries to hold the umbrella over both their heads, but Ellen complains she’s getting wet and pulls it toward her. Now David is getting wet. And both are annoyed. Romance is fast turning to hostility.

Ellen spots a store that carries umbrellas and ceremoniously buys an expensive one for herself. They continue walking--on opposite sides of the street--until their anger finally dissolves into laughter.

So much for the Rome fantasy.

Marlene and Bob are in Paris on their second honeymoon. They have set out on foot in search of an obscure museum. They stop frequently to consult a map, which, they soon discover, isn’t detailed enough for this excursion.

“Let’s find the nearest subway station,” Marlene suggests. “I know which stop will put us out near the museum.”

But Bob is already asking a couple passing by for directions. Turns out they don’t speak English. He’s approaching another couple when Marlene stops him and says testily: “Do you know the odds of finding someone on a street in Paris who speaks English and knows how to get to this museum? This could take all day, and if you keep it up, I’m going back to the hotel!”

Bob is irritated but decides not to argue. When they stumble on a subway station and find the museum, he’s still irritated. After a quick look at paintings they no longer care about seeing, they take a cab back to the hotel--in silence.

So much for the second honeymoon.

People like Ellen and David and Marlene and Bob (whose real names have not been used because, much to their embarrassment, their stories are authentic) spend a lot of money traveling a long way from home seeking fun, excitement and romance.

They don’t expect to find themselves ruining precious moments in incredibly beautiful places by arguing over such mundane matters as how to read a map, how to arrange clothes in a suitcase, how fast to walk, how much to tip the waiter or how early to get to the airport. Or any of the many other small decisions that have to be made daily when traveling.

Yet, in some of the most scenic spots in the world, exasperated couples can be overheard saying to each other, in hushed tones between clenched teeth, such telltale phrases as, “Now let’s get one thing straight . . . “ or “ You handle it!” or “I know what I’m doing!”

Only with a sense of humor can couples expect to survive the stresses of travel, especially in a foreign country, says Costa Mesa travel agent Maxine Schulman, who has seen a number of precarious marriages break up after a big trip.

She once arranged a luxury cruise of the Greek islands for four long-married couples, and three of them filed for divorce within six months of their return.

“Too much togetherness,” she muses. “You either have it or you don’t. There are unhappy people who travel together and they shouldn’t.”

Maxine, who takes a six-week trip to Europe every year with her husband, Marshall, says she has seen many unhappy families as well as couples during her travels.

“Parents go to see what they want to see and rationalize that the children will be fascinated too. They walk into Westminster Abbey and the kids are interested for about one minute. It creates a lot of tension.”

During a recent stay in Paris, Maxine became acquainted with an elderly couple who had brought their son, daughter-in-law and 18-year-old granddaughter along to share their first trip to Europe. The granddaughter managed to ruin the trip for everyone.

“She was bored, very bored. She was so bored and made them all so miserable they went home on the fifth day,” Maxine says. “The grandparents were absolutely crushed.”

The Schulmans avoided such disasters by waiting until their two children were grown and ready to appreciate Europe before taking them along. And Maxine says she and her husband, who have been married for 33 years, travel well together when they’re on their own.

However, they have had to adjust to different ways of coping with travel stress.

Marshall, who is an attorney, likes to get to airports and train stations early and worries until connections are made.

“He is a nervous traveler,” Maxine says. “I’m much more relaxed.”

His worrying doesn’t upset her, however. She is able to remain calm and reassure him, because she never forgets he’d rather be playing golf in Hawaii than hopping around Europe.

“I know he’s doing this for me, so I’m careful and I try to make it as nice and easy as possible,” she says.

Ellis and Viviane Wayne of Newport Beach, who have been married nearly 40 years, also take an extended trip to Europe every year. They’ve learned to avoid conflicts by compromising and giving each other breathing room.

They enjoy doing the same things, but sightsee at different paces. Viviane, a free-lance travel writer, doesn’t mind walking when her feet ache. Ellis does. When he reaches his limit, they often set a meeting time and split up. He’ll sit in a cafe and read or go back to the hotel while she continues to sightsee or shop.

“That’s where compromise comes in,” Viviane says, “because my greed is such that I can keep going and going and going, but that wouldn’t be fair to Ellis. I may want to spend four hours on my own, but I’ll take two.”

They also split up in museums, because Ellis breezes through and stops to savor pieces he particularly likes, while Viviane meanders slowly through each room.

Pushing when one or the other is exhausted never works, they agree. But they learned that the hard way.

Ellis, who is a psychologist, once let Viviane talk him into taking a monthlong trip to France at a time when he was under enormous work stress. When they arrived in Paris, it was hot and crowded, and they found their hotel barely habitable.

“I wasn’t in the mood to go looking for another place,” Ellis recalls. “I just said, ‘That’s it--I don’t need this. I have my Visa card. I’ll buy a plane ticket and see you home in a month.’ ”

He ended up compromising with Viviane, who agreed to cut short their week in Paris and move on to a quieter spot in Brittany. By the second week of the trip, Ellis was able to enjoy himself. But the Waynes now make sure they’re both rested before they begin a trip.

Hal and Kay Pastorius, Laguna Beach residents who have been married for 23 years, also know how risky it is to take along the extra baggage of stress from home on a pleasure trip. Last year, they set off in their 32-foot power boat for a six-month trip down the coast of Baja and up into the Sea of Cortez, and they just returned from a similar trip that lasted nearly eight months.

Early in the first trip, they had what Hal, a sculptor, describes as “a good yelling match” and almost turned back.

When they put aside the aggravations that go with life at sea--such as mechanical difficulties with the boat and inclement weather--they realized their real problem was a neglected marriage.

“We’d drifted apart,” Hal says. “We’d gone separate ways and had not worked on being married. The trip was a real test of our marriage and a redevelopment of our affection for each other.”

They not only rediscovered each other on that first trip, but also learned some things about traveling together that helped make the second trip go smoothly. For example, both have a tendency to take charge (“We’re both the dominant partner,” Kay says), so they allow each other separate “spheres of influence.” Kay, who runs a cooking school at home, prepares the meals, and Hal takes care of the boat. And whoever suggests an outing handles the arrangements, Hal notes.

They also learned the importance of communicating.

“Every time something went wrong it was because we hadn’t shared our thoughts or expectations or plans,” Hal says.

Most important, they realized they needed to take these lessons home and make their marriage a higher priority in their day-to-day lives.

Kay stresses: “If people have problems in their relationship, they’re not going to get any better by traveling together, and sometimes they’ll get worse. Running away on a trip isn’t going to solve anything.”

Is there a special teacher in your past--even as far back as elementary school--who had a major influence on your life? If so, what did this teacher give you that still enriches your life today? Send your comments to Relationships, Orange County View, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include a phone number.