Of Women and One-Liners--a Treacherous Mixture

It is hard for a man, especially one of my generation, to say anything about women, however generous of intent, without being accused of sexism.

For my recent selection of excerpts from “An Uncommon Scold,” a collection of witticisms by women, which I prefaced by saying that I considered women wittier than men and preferred their conversation, I am scolded by Chris Marchese, 19, of Northridge.

She says she was “particularly irritated” by my implication that women’s minds “are on one thing only--their existence in relationship to men. I have no doubt that, if you had been quoting ‘witty’ remarks made by males, you would have included such topics as sports, politics, art, religion, etc. Females, however, seem to be confined to the trivial realms of gossip, housekeeping, ‘love,’ marriage and their husbands’ fidelity. . . . None of these topics are of supreme relevance to my life. . . .”

Perhaps women are funnier when they are lashing out at subjects related to men and other oppressive aspects of their lives. I thumbed back through the book, which was compiled by Abby Adams, a New York writer, to see what they had to say on other subjects.

On America: “In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is.”--Gertrude Stein. “Europeans used to say Americans were puritanical. Then they discovered that we were not puritans. So now they say we are obsessed with sex.”--Mary McCarthy. (Hard to get away from sex.)

Art: “If Michelangelo painted in Caesars Palace, would that make it any less art?”--Cher. “Why should I paint dead fish, onions and beer glasses? Girls are so much prettier.”--Marie Lurencin.

Beauty? No, that’s suspect. Children? Too close to home. Conception? No, no. Culture? All right. “One old lady who wants her head lifted wouldn’t be so bad, but you multiply her 250,000 times and what you get is a book club.”--Flannery O’Connor. “Culture is an instrument wielded by professors to manufacture professors, who when their turn comes, will manufacture professors.”--Simone Weil.

Dependence? Nope. Divorce? No way. What about Education? “A good education is usually harmful to a dancer. A good calf is better than a good head.”--Agnes De Mille. “Lack of education is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive.”--Josephine Tey.

The Family? No. Fashion? No. Let’s try History. “Real solemn history, I cannot be interested in. . . . The quarrels of Popes and kings, with wars or pestilence in every page, the men all so good for nothing, and hardly any women at all.”--Jane Austen.

Housework? Out-of-bounds. Husbands? Same. Infatuation? No. Infidelity? Heavens no. Injustice? “When one has been threatened with a great injustice, one accepts a smaller as a favour.”--Jane Carlyle.

Literature: “Some say life is the thing, but I prefer reading.”--Ruth Rendell. “The one thing I regret is that I will never have time to read all the books I want to read.”--Francoise Sagan. “I am reading Henry James . . . and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber.”--Virginia Woolf. “Henry James chews more than he bites off.”--Mrs. Henry Adams. (OK. Those last two are witty.)

Love? Out of-bounds. Marriage? Taboo. Men? Not this trip. Men and Women? Same objection. What about Music? “Nobody really sings in an opera. They just make loud noises.”--Amelita Galli-Curci. “I can hold a note as long as the Chase National Bank.”--Ethel Merman.

The Penis? Perish the thought! Philosophy? Let’s try it: “I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.”--Nancy Reagan. “You can never be too rich or too thin.”--The Duchess of Windsor.

Now, politics: “There’s never been a good government.”--Emma Goldman. “It is far easier to act under conditions of tyranny than to think.”--Hannah Arendt. “Nonviolence is a flop. The only bigger flop is violence.”--Joan Baez. “Congress--these, for the most part, illiterate hacks whose fancy vests are spotted with gravy and whose speeches, hypocritical, unctuous, and slovenly, are spotted along with the gravy of political patronage.”--Mary McCarthy. “One of the things that politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex.”--Margaret Thatcher.

And Religion: “I read the book of Job last night--I don’t think God comes well out of it.”--Virginia Woolf. “The Bible and the church have been the greatest stumbling blocks in the way of women’s emancipation.”--Elizabeth Cady Stanton. “I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest. The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable.”--Mrs. Robert A. Taft.

But I have no doubt that in culling these quotations I have somehow exposed yet a deeper sexism.