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Fuzzy Notes, Fuzzy Show

I’m asleep.

I’m dreaming that “Twin Peaks” is a dream, that there is no such ABC series, that TV’s only true mystery is merely a sequence of images and sensations passing through my mind, that Laura Palmer, FBI agent Dale Cooper, Sheriff Harry S. Truman and the other bizarre characters in this picturesque logging town known for intrigue, coffee and cherry pie do not exist.

In my dream about a dream, two mysterious men are walking toward my bed. Now they are standing over me. Now they are whispering ever so softly. It is an important message. The mysterious men are David Lynch and Mark Frost, co-creators of “Twin Peaks,” and they are saying: “Hype and confusion are the air. Don’t take it seriously. Smile and go with the flow. Drink decaf. Cherry pie is bad for your cholesterol.”

Huh? What? What is it? Did somebody say something?

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Oh . . . I’m sorry. Let me gather my thoughts here. I seem to have dozed off while reading my copy of “The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer” (written by Lynch’s daughter, Jennifer) while listening to my audio cassette of “Diane . . . The Twin Peaks Tapes of Agent Cooper” (performed by Kyle MacLachlan) while wearing my “I Killed Laura Palmer” T-shirt (made by a pirate manufacturer) while watching Sunday’s two-hour premiere of “Twin Peaks” (written by Frost and directed by Lynch).

Where was I now? Oh, yes, I was taking notes while waiting for Laura’s killer to be revealed:

“Cooper on floor of room in Great Northern Hotel . . . still there after being shot in the stomach last season by someone unknown. Mindless old man shuffles in with glass of warm milk . . . hangs up Cooper’s phone . . . hands bill for milk to seriously wounded Cooper. Cooper asks: ‘This include a gratuity?’

“Old man leaves room . . . then returns twice . . . gives barely conscious Cooper thumbs-up sign. Cooper returns it. What this? Now younger, very tall man appears from nowhere . . . stands over Cooper . . . tells him to remember three things: ‘a man in a smiling bag’ . . . ‘he owls are not what they seem. . . .’ ”

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This is where I first dozed off, so I never heard the third thing.

As I moved in and out of consciousness, my notes really got fuzzy: “Ben Horne not find out daughter, Audrey, working in bordello . . . still-prone Cooper dictating message to Diane (‘I’ve been shot . . . ') . . . Laura’s father’s hair turned white as sheet. Laura’s father now insane . . . singing nonsensical song from 1940s (‘Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. . . .’). Maybe Laura killed by veterinarian or gardener. . . . Laura’s cousin, Madeleine, hallucinates while looking at rug . . . maybe ‘Twin Peaks’ to market a line of carpeting. . . . Donna acting like Laura. . . . Waldo the bird still dead. . . . Cooper makes miraculous recovery. . . . Cooper lays out case . . . now super-natural stuff. Demonic man, long gray hair, murdering Laura. Laura demon, too. Maybe Cooper demon.”

Based on these notes, it’s clear to me only that some old men should not be bellhops and that Frost and Lynch really know how to string viewers along.

Meanwhile, while waiting for “Twin Peaks” to resume in its regular 10 p.m. Saturday time slot, I’m reviewing clues (Why does FBI forensics man Albert Rosenfield look and act like Sgt. Joe Friday?) and a recent letter from Robert B. Clark of Manhattan Beach.

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Clark believes (at least he did before Sunday) that Laura’s killer is none other than . . . Diane.

He writes: “Diana, in Roman religion, was the goddess of the moon, forest and animals. She was the virgin goddess, protector of women, particularly young, moral chaste women.”

Clark notes that the “Twin Peaks” victims--Laura and an earlier murdered girl--were “bad girls,” leading him to the inescapable conclusion that they were murdered by Diana/Diane. “Diane, as any good goddess would, wiped the bad girls’ out,” he maintains. “Of course, Diane is the alter ego of Agent Dale Cooper,” he adds. Think of it, a totally deranged Cooper speaking as himself, then answering back as Diane while wearing a gray wig a la Tony Perkins in “Psycho.”

And Clark throws in this: “It would be nice to know Dale Cooper’s middle initial. Could it be ‘B.’? If so, look for a hellacious escape, D. B. Cooper at his flying best.

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“Come on Howard. You had this all figured out, didn’t you?”

Of course I did. On the other hand, Diane also could refer to Steak Diane, a clear indication that Laura’s murderer--presumably the guy with long gray hair--is a chef.

The dream continues.


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