Kids Bringing Up Kids : Support groups: Single mothers, ages 14-21, of Special Moms--Young but Strong, gather weekly to share their feelings.

They come from all walks of life. They are black, white, Latino and Asian. Some are on welfare, others self-sufficient. But ask any of them and they’ll say they have everything in common.

These are the San Fernando Valley’s Special Moms--Young but Strong, a support group of about 30 mothers ages 14 to 21 who meet Thursday nights at the YWCA in North Hollywood. The group got its start two years ago when Beth Schultz and Tina Loyo, both teen-age moms, asked Tricia Green, program director for the YWCA of Los Angeles, South Valley Office, to help them form an organization for young mothers.

“These girls were crying out for someone to talk to, someone to share their feelings with,” Green said. “It wasn’t that these girls needed to learn about how to be moms, they needed to learn how to be teen-agers. The rejection a young girl receives when she becomes pregnant is enough to completely kill her self-esteem.”

Beth Schultz was 19 when a co-worker asked if the child whose portrait sat on Schultz’s desk was hers. When Schultz nodded, the co-worker said, “Oh, I didn’t know you were married.”

“I’m not,” Schultz said simply.

It was the last time the co-worker ever spoke to Schultz.

“It was like I didn’t even exist after that,” she said. “People don’t really want anything to do with a teen-ager who is raising a child. Because I don’t believe in abortion, suddenly I was an outcast. It wasn’t fair.”

After that experience, Schultz combined efforts with Tina Loyo, who had become a mother at age 16. The two printed up flyers and tried to find a meeting place.

“We tried hospitals, clubhouses and any place we could find,” Loyo said, “but no one wanted anything to do with us.”

They were close to giving up when they found Green and the YWCA. Green researched the idea and discovered there was nowhere in the Valley for young mothers to get together with other young moms. The YWCA published a small announcement advertising the start of the support group and within a month more than 20 young mothers were meeting.

Children are welcome at the meetings, which typically involve 30 minutes of socializing and about an hourlong discussion. More often than not, the discussion is about self-esteem.

“These girls have always found their self-esteem sexually, that’s why they’re starting so young,” said Green, who uses game-playing, one-on-one exercises and other self-esteem improvement techniques with the young mothers. “So we spend a lot of time teaching them how to find their self-esteem in other ways.”

Anne Esacove, manager of community services with Planned Parenthood, said that teen-age mothers in the Valley have a serious need for a support system such as Special Moms--Young but Strong.

“This is absolutely the best thing to prevent these young women from becoming completely isolated from society,” Esacove said. “They can make friends, get advice on how to be a parent while still being little more than children themselves. And they can see that they’re not alone.”

Planned Parenthood will be working in conjunction with a group called Friends of the Family to start similar young-mother support groups throughout the Valley this fall, she said.

“For years now we’ve been seeing girls who are raising children and have nowhere to turn for support,” Esacove said. “Hopefully, this kind of support system will make a difference and educate them on how to prevent any further unplanned pregnancies.”

Dee Dee Williams is a 20-year-old mother of two children who prior to this year had no one with whom to share her feelings of teen-age motherhood. After several months of belonging to the YWCA support group, Williams said she is more self-assured and feels confident about her abilities as a mother and a young woman.

“Meeting with these other girls has shown me that my whole life isn’t over just because I have two children,” Williams said. “I have my whole life ahead of me, I have my high school diploma and I’m intelligent enough to make decisions that will benefit my future.”

It wasn’t always this way for Williams.

She was 16 and had just started her junior year in high school when she got pregnant. Pretty and popular, Williams continued marching in the drill team at football games until she started to show in her sixth month.

“When my friends found out, they started avoiding me overnight,” Williams said. “There were a few who stuck with me, but for the most part they treated me like I had a disease, leprosy or something.”

Confused about her future, Williams made a quick decision to marry her child’s father, a teen-age boy who was already in trouble with the law. Over the next few years Williams’ parents agreed to let the couple live with them and Williams took high school courses while her husband was in and out of prison.

“I know now that I shouldn’t have gotten married so young and to someone I really wasn’t suited for,” Williams said. “But he was all I had. Everyone else was worried about their prom and their new cars and I was busy changing diapers. There was no one who understood what I was going through.”

Williams graduated from high school when she was 19, and by then she was nine months pregnant with her second child. She said the only thing she remembers about that time in her life is feeling as though she was the only person in the world in that situation.

“I was a daughter and a mother, a teen-ager and a wife, and ultimately I was feeling like a failure,” she said. “It was too much to deal with.”

When she started coming to the YWCA support group, Williams said, for the first time she was able to look clearly at what was happening in her life. By doing this, she was able to make a decision to leave her husband and enroll in a business college course that she will complete this spring.

Green said that people like Williams have prospered because of the self-esteem exercises the group practices. One that it uses often is called Choices or Chances and is a board game that presents the young women with fictitious situations they must think through or solve.

“It’s easier to see a solution or the positive aspects of the situation if it doesn’t deal directly with you,” Green said. “But pretty soon, the girls see that if they are capable of solving someone else’s dilemma, they are capable of solving their own.”

In another exercise, the group splits into pairs and for five minutes the couples must carry on a conversation while looking directly into one another’s eyes. The worse a person’s self-esteem is, the harder it is for them to make eye contact with another person, Green said.

She also encourages the girls to put their feelings down in writing. Several, like 17-year-old Danielle Gomez who has two children, have taken Green’s ideas to heart. Gomez is currently writing a book about being a teen-age mother. She and several other group members also write poetry.

“But this group isn’t just serious discussions and exercises,” Green said. “We deal with practical topics like hairstyles and makeup and we plan occasional social activities, too.”

The support group plans outings that typical teen-age girls might enjoy--dancing, movie-going, bowling and roller-skating. Because of the support group, it is also easier to find baby-sitters for these events, Loyo said, adding that the girls in the group look forward to the outings because it gives them a chance to be teen-agers.

“Some of us never really got to be teen-agers,” said Loyo, 20, whose daughter is 3. “And even though we have to be responsible most of the time, it’s fun to get a baby-sitter and go out on the town once or twice a month.”

Green said that everything the group does together--whether it’s a self-esteem exercise or a trip to the movies--works to help each member feel better about herself.

“Before they had this group, they simply lived a monotonous routine in which they lost their self-identity,” Green said. “Girls this young tend to focus completely on their children and live vicariously through them. We’re trying to teach them that sometimes the best thing they can do for their children is to focus more on having a life and future of their own.”

Williams said that she is a better person today because of the help she has received through the support group.

“I know how I would do things differently if I had it to do over again,” Williams said. “If you’re out there and you’re a teen-ager who’s pregnant, there is something positive you can do with yourself. Get involved with other girls in your same situation and remember, your life isn’t over because of one mistake.”

A Teen-Age Mother’s Lament S o often I wish that I had no Children. Though my love for them has devoted me to raising them. My days are committed . . . To understanding and developing two children. Yet what makes it so hard is I have not Understood or developed Myself. As a child, I wanted so much to grow up. And now, as a mother . . . I long to be a child. I used to wonder how it was going to be when I was a teen-ager. Well, now I have skipped those years. And I guess I will forever Wonder.

--Danielle Gomez, 17

For information about joining Special Moms--Young but Strong, call Tricia Green at YWCA of Los Angeles, South Valley Office, (818) 766-1903.