The Best Five Turn Into the Worst : THE COLLEGES

Undefeated was a meaningless word Saturday as AP’s top five did an uncanny imitation of the bottom five. Of course, Nebraska had an excuse for losing its first game--the Cornhuskers were forced to interrupt a cream-puff schedule and play someone on their own level for the first time this season.

The only winner among the top five was Notre Dame, whose coach, Lou Holtz, complained after a 52-31 victory: “This is one of the lowest points of my career.” Lou, Lou, Lou.

Poor-prognosticator-of-the-week honors went to Pitt defensive back Marcus Washington, who said of Miami’s receivers: “To me, the receivers are not that impressive. I’ve seen better receivers, pattern-wise. They don’t run disciplined routes.”

In the first half alone, Miami quarterback Craig Erickson completed 20 of 23 passes for 282 yards in a 45-0 victory over No. 3 Pitt. Imagine what a rout it would have been if Miami had a few disciplined receivers.

RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. AP’s top 5 Lost 4 Rankings 2. Arkansas (2-6) 11-19, Rice Baylor 3. Pitt (3-5-1) 0-45, Miami Temple 4. Purdue (1-7) 13-38, Mich Nthwestern 5. W. Va. (3-5) 19-31, Penn St Rutgers 6. Wash St (3-6) 13-31, Stanford Ariz St 7. Ariz. St. (3-5) D. Ore St, 34-9* Wash St 8. Wisconsin (1-7) 3-21, Minnesota Indiana 9. N.D. Defense Dignity Ask Lou 10. T. Tech (2-7) 22-41, Texas TCU

*Another example of how polls make no sense; Ariz. State beat Oregon State (1-8), which is unranked.

11. Stanford band (suspended indefinitely for making fun of the spotted owl and the logging industry during Oregon game); 12. Stanford team (3-6); 13. UCLA (4-5); 14. Vanderbilt (1-6); 15. Columbia (1-7); 16. Northwestern (2-6); 17. Oklahoma State (3-6); 18. Alabama (4-4) 19. Idle; 20. Vandals (not the Vandals at Idaho U., the vandals who set Virginia’s field on fire before its game against Georgia Tech.)

COMING MATCHUP OF THE YEAR: Cal State Fullerton (1-9), ranked No. 175 by USA Today, vs. New Mexico State (0-9), ranked No. 177, on Nov. 17.

SPECIAL CITATION: With USC losing to Cal in the third quarter, the Trojan equine mascot Traveler threw his rider and ran wild, appearing to make a charge at the Trojan bench. Duly warned, USC went out and caught Cal, 31-31.

THE PROS

Odd, isn’t it, that two of the big flops of the year are the Arkansas Razorbacks (2-6) in the colleges and a team owned by a razor mogul--Victor Kiam’s New England Patsies (1-7)--in the pros? Even stranger, the razor mogul’s coach is a man named Rod Rust .

Of course, in terms of ineptness both in the front office and on the field, the Patsies are rivaled by Arthur Modell’s Cleveland Browns (2-7).

“I’m looking for a demonstrable turnaround in performance,” said Modell after axing Bud Carson.

Well, why not hire KC’s Marty Schottenheimer, the coach who led the Browns into the playoffs five consecutive years?

While we’re on the subject of disastrous team owners, the always-hopeless Dolts picked a symbolic time to be clobbered by the Giants Monday night--it was Robert Irsay Day in Indianapolis. (This holiday was not celebrated in Baltimore.)

RANKINGS SWOON DIVISION

Team Last Loss Was Is 1. Tampa Bay 6-26, Chicago 3-1 4-5 2. Cleveland 0-42, Buffalo 1-0 2-7 3. Olde England 20-48, Phila 1-1 1-7 4. Cincinnati 7-21, N.0. 4-1 5-4

TWO-FACES-OF-DENVER DIVISION*

Opponent Halftime Score Final 1. Raiders Denver, 6-0 Raiders, 14-9 2. Buffalo Denver, 14-3 Buffalo, 29-28 3. Cleveland Denver, 19-13 Cleve., 30-29 4. Pitt Denver, 17-14 Pitt, 34-17 5. Minnehaha Denver, 16-7 Minne.,27-22

*Denver (3-5) has led at halftime of every game this year.

COACHES’ HOTSEAT GAME OF THE WEEK: Indianapolis (2-6) at New England (1-7).

ROUT OF THE WEEK: San Francisco (8-0) at Dallas (3-6).

QUOTEBOOK: KMPC broadcaster Eddie Doucette, attempting to recover after mistaking a handoff from QB Jim Everett to Cleveland Gary as a fake: “It was nearly a great fake.”