‘The Big One’: An 8.0 on the Hokeyness Scale

Dig out those earthquake-preparedness kits.

Today’s subject is “The Big One: the Great Los Angeles Earthquake,” NBC’s virtual remake of the 1974 theatrical movie “Earthquake.” While watching it, you do feel something splitting. Unfortunately, it’s your head.

“The Big One” airs in two parts, at 9 p.m. Sunday and Monday on Channels 4, 36 and 39. And it would be something if this disaster of a disaster story were to be an even greater catalyst for national earthquake awareness than that recent real-life disaster, the San Francisco quake of 1989. But don’t bet on it.

Of more immediate interest to NBC than public service is just how big the “The Big One”--aptly named for a sweeps-month spectacular--will loom in the Nielsens at a time when the ratings race among the Big Three networks is much tighter than in recent years.

The original movie had the distinction of being able to demolish all of Los Angeles without budging the toupees worn by several of its male stars. Beyond that, it was comically bad, with Victoria Principal being assaulted among the ruins by a creepy sex fiend and Charlton Heston having to rescue Ava Gardner from a sewer.

“The Big One” is equally bad, with the added bonus of being still slower and an hour longer than the original, even without commercials.

As in “Earthquake,” a government seismologist activates the plot in “The Big One,” her prophesies of doom initially going unheeded. Claire Winslow (Joanna Kerns) calculates that Los Angeles is on the verge of a giant quake that will cause mass destruction and thousands of deaths, and she wants to warn the public. But her warnings are scoffed at, and--shades of jeopardy movies from “Jaws” to “China Syndrome”--economic interests take precedence over public safety.

Claire gets the brushoff from the mayor’s top aide (Joe Spano), who’s secretly on the take from a furtive Donald Trump-style land developer (Robert Ginty) who fears that a scare over the Big One would drive down property values and cost him millions.

She gets the brushoff from her plodding husband (Dan Lauria), who doesn’t want to jeopardize his lucrative landscaping contract with the same land developer. “Go easy,” he tells her.

She gets the brushoff from her volatile daughter (Holly Fields), who, handicapped by being a teen-ager, is too busy sneering at her mother to worry about earthquakes.

She gets the brushoff from her wealthy parents (Stephen Elliott and Bonnie Bartlett), who live in a posh high-rise that they insist is “earthquake-proof.”

Meanwhile, Claire is hounded by an unscrupulous TV reporter (Richard Masur), her sister (Lindsay Frost) is carrying on with a motorcycle cop (Alan Autry) to the dismay of her snobby mother, and her maid (Sylvana Gallardo) has hocked her music box to buy her son a watch.

And, oh yes, an Aryan-looking assassin is in town, getting a bead on a visiting black South African dignitary (Brock Peters) who is being touted as the next prime minister.

Californians don’t have to be told that underestimating the threat of earthquakes is a mistake, and just where and when the Big One is coming has been debated by experts for years. But a hackneyed treatment like this--so predictably plotted that the only real suspense comes in speculating who will get bopped on the head or swallowed by the earth--seems only to trivialize the danger.

You get the inevitable rumble, rumble, Blowie! , a whopping 8.0 on the Richter scale. You also get some stupendous hokeyness that registers about an 8.0.

For example, the assassination subplot is an epicenter of foolishness and has to be seen to be believed. Even as the city is in the throes of a 7.2 aftershock, the miraculously surviving assassin continues to hold his position--on the roof of a building that is rocking back and forth--and blast away at his intended victim from long range. Great, an earthquake comedy.

There’s another brief sequence that may amuse Angelenos. When word of the impending Big One finally does leak, the city panics and the freeways jam up with motorists trying to flee. The ensuing gridlock may shock viewers elsewhere, but residents here will recognize the pictures as actual footage of just another day on the Los Angeles freeways.

Meanwhile, here’s some advice: Ignore Sunday’s Part 1 and skip to Monday’s rocking and rolling, for even on a small screen, Larry Fuentes’ special effects have an impact. Otherwise, loosen your seat belts.

By skipping Part 1, you’ll also miss the NBC News program that follows at 10:50 p.m., with Maria Shriver interviewing experts about issues raised by the fictional TV drama. Undoubtedly, the news program will be crammed with crucial information, as much as you can cram into 10 minutes.

Although hardly new at NBC, this kind of unnatural pairing--attaching a brief news addendum to a larger fictional drama to give the latter credibility--is yet another example of entertainment being the dog that wags the news division’s tail.

Moreover, Kerns got the obligatory show-promoting interview on NBC’s “Today” program Friday (“Are the experts going to know this as much in advance as you do?” Deborah Norville asked her about Claire, as if Kerns herself were an expert). And you can just bet that those smoothies at KNBC Channel 4 have been dreaming of ways to tie their local newscasts to “The Big One” as well. The possibilities are endless.

What to do when your aphrodisiac fails during an earthquake? Tune in.