Lo, the Endangered Company

I ordered a tuna sandwich at lunch the other day. When I did, the person I was with, Shortcut Bernstein, suddenly said, “Hold it, dolphin killer.”

He had that save-the-species look in his eyes conservationists get when they catch you about to eat a snail darter.

“Now what?” I said.

“No more tuna,” he replied, “until the industry cleans up its act.”

Bernstein is one of those obsessive personalties who is endlessly involved in a cause. The last one involved conserving gasoline through the use of short cuts, hence the nickname.

Now it’s sea mammals.

He has been involved in the national campaign to have tunas caught under dolphin-safe conditions. That includes banning drift nets, which are known to scoop up everything from whales to Japanese pearl divers.

I said, “If you will look at the menu, you will see this restaurant serves Bumble Bee tuna. They are caught in a manner which, while it may not please the tuna, does no harm to your little friends.”

I turned back to the waitress. “I would like, as I said, a tuna sandwich on rye with onions, tomatoes and . . .”

Just about then Bernstein shouted, “Lies, dolphin killer!”

“Bring me the sandwich,” I said to the waitress, “and I will deal with my zealous associate.”

Then I turned to Bernstein. “You call me dolphin killer again and you are going to be No. 551 on the endangered species list, right up there with the Pecos pupfish and the Chadwick beach mouse.”

He remained silent for the remainder of our lunch, but couldn’t resist muttering before we parted, “The beach mouse is already extinct.”

My sympathies.

What has stirred the wrath of Bernstein and others of his species is an accusation by an environmentalist group called Earth Island Institute that Bumble Bee is buying tuna caught under conditions that kill dolphins, despite claims to the contrary.

As a result, Earth Island is calling for a nationwide boycott of its products until the company lives up to its label and shows that it loves the dolphin as much as Earth Island does.

So, OK.

Let me say at the outset that I do not believe in killing dolphins. I don’t love them, but I don’t hate them either. I feel about dolphins the way I feel about Bernstein.

I similarly do not believe in killing gorillas for their livers, elephants for their tusks or rhinos for their horns, although I have always been intrigued by the idea of a successful aphrodisiac.

But I’m not going to stop eating anything without seeing a lot more evidence of dolphin killing by the people who supply Bumble Bee.

We are so determined to save the Earth in this age of ecology that whenever anyone remotely associated with an environmental organization shouts j’accuse! we begin building a gallows.

I attended the news conference during which the boycott was announced. When I asked specifically how Earth Island knew with certainty that Bumble Bee was guilty of abusing dolphins, the response was less than convincing.

Visiting a tuna cannery in Thailand doesn’t do it for me. I want to see dead dolphins floating belly-up in the drift nets.

Bumble Bee, StarKist and Chicken of the Sea pledged last April to buy only tuna caught through methods that were dolphin-safe, which is just a little short of luring tunas aboard with promises of a good life in America.

The other two companies, according to Earth Island, are living up to their pledge.

When I telephoned Bumble Bee President Mark Koob to ask why he hated dolphins, I found a person who is not in the usual mold of corporate executives.

He did not refer me to his P.R. man or to his lawyer, but lit into Earth Island’s accusations as false, slanderous and irresponsible.

He called his accusers thugs and terrorists and said Bumble Bee was thinking of suing.

“They’re grandstanding to generate funds and they’re dragging a 100-year-old brand name through the mud to do it,” Koob charged angrily.

Oddly, no one else had called Koob to ask how he felt. The explosive nature of his response was rooted in frustration as well as conviction.

No one has asked me how I feel either, but I’m convinced the planet and its creatures are indeed in danger from the old way of doing things.

But I keep wondering why Earth Island didn’t take its findings to Bumble Bee before a news conference was held and a boycott begun.

The idea here ought to be to save the dolphin, not destroy a company and put a lot of people on unemployment in the process.

Those who work for a living are also God’s creatures, and they’re becoming more endangered with every passing day.