New Families, Old Ways Don’t Always Mix

It’s hard enough when two families combine in remarriage, but when each family comes from a different tradition or ethnic background, the first shared holidays can cause culture shock.

When Jim and Irene Pierce tied the knot in 1981, the Christmas that followed was a jolt to Jason and his Dad.

“Irene doesn’t celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, it’s on Christmas Eve,” says Jim, who owns a company that designs and distributes business forms. “That was a radical change for me and Jason. I mean, when are you supposed to put the toys together if you open them on Christmas Eve? Furthermore, her side of the family is Latino, and we have a very Hispanic deal now with tamales and chilies.”

“It did not occur to me to make a turkey,” says Irene, secretary to a federal bankruptcy judge. “I just assumed that Jason was going to take on my traditions.”

But that’s not what happened, says Jim. “The first year, Jason wouldn’t eat. The second year, Jason wouldn’t eat. By the third year, I began to go, ‘Something is not quite in sync here.’ After a while, I said, ‘What happened to my traditions?’ And Jason finally said, ‘I don’t like that stuff. I want real food.’ So now we have a small turkey and tamales.”

Jason says he wasn’t angry, just confused. “I was always used to having turkey, and all of a sudden she brings out tamales and I’m like, uh-oh, something’s not right.”

Tom Seibt, a therapist and step-family specialist, says such culture clashes are not unusual.

“The turmoil and conflict (of divorce) tend to intensify the desire to hang onto traditions,” says Seibt. “If you hang onto the traditions, at least you haven’t lost everything. Without us being consciously aware of it, those rules and traditions are ingrained, and when things go contrary to that, it feels like a real jolt, it feels like things are not right.

“One of the coping strategies that helps with new or fairly new step families is to establish their own traditions.”

Seibt knows whereof he speaks. In 1979, after leaving the priesthood, he became a stepfather to five children before having two of his own. One of their new family traditions revolves around Seibt smoking a turkey for Christmas dinner.

“The kids insist on it now,” he says. “If we didn’t have smoked turkey, the holidays would never be the same.”