These ‘Relatives’ Bring More Than Presents : Adopted-Grandparent Program’s Holiday Party Shows Emotional Benefits of Friendships Between Young and Old

Ben Simon, an 84-year-old widower, was pleased with the George Burns book young Melissa Van Slyke had given him for Hanukkah, but the gift he was moved by was offered with no help from her parents.

Melissa, who is 8, looked up at Simon with adoring big blue eyes and handed him a self-portrait of herself smiling that she had just drawn. “This will remind you of me,” she told him.

There were tears in his eyes as he accepted it, but Melissa, already busy drawing another picture, didn’t seem to notice. She was listening, however, when Simon told a reporter that her presence at this Hanukkah party was especially meaningful to him because he has no grandchildren of his own.

“I guess I’m it,” his “adopted” granddaughter said cheerfully, without looking up from her drawing.

Melissa and Simon were among the young and old brought together Sunday at Heritage Pointe, a Jewish retirement community in Mission Viejo, for an early celebration of the eight-day Hanukkah festival that began last night.

The visits themselves were special gifts for people such as Simon who will not be surrounded by family members as they light the candles on their menorahs each night of Hanukkah--and who no doubt will be remembering the days when they were.

Bonnie Curkin recently started the program that brought the children to Heritage Pointe--where the average age is 82--because, she said, she was seeing too many residents spending too much time alone in their apartments.

“They’re afraid to reach out, afraid of being rejected. You have to draw them out, and children are the best way,” explained Curkin, program director for the community. “When they see young people, their eyes glow. Children put a spark in this place.”

Curkin said many of the 70 residents at Heritage Pointe don’t have grandchildren nearby, so she sent letters to temples and Hebrew schools throughout the county seeking young people to correspond with “adopted grandparents,” to visit them there, and perhaps even to invite them to their homes.

So far, eight children have been matched with “grandparents.”

Curkin’s letters also generated about 500 Hanukkah cards made by Jewish children especially for Heritage Pointe residents.

During the small gathering on Sunday, animated talk and laughter drifted into the hallways of the normally quiet complex as Simon, Melissa and other “grandparents” and children exchanged gifts and hugs in a cozy sitting room.

Simon, less talkative than most, seemed content to watch the bustle around him. He explained that he had left his longtime friends behind in Florida to come to Orange County to be closer to his only child, an unmarried son in Sherman Oaks.

“I miss my friends,” he said, “but I make the best of it. I try to stay as busy as I can.”

He seemed amazed that he had Melissa there at his side. “It’s impossible to tell you how I feel,” he said.But Melissa, who lives in Mission Viejo, was not at a loss for words. “The people here are nice and talented,” she declared before demonstrating a tap-dancing step as if to prove she belonged in their company.

Simon watched appreciatively, then said with a smile, “She’s a very pleasing little girl.”

Bertha Gebler, an 84-year-old widow, seemed equally pleased with her adopted “granddaughter,” 9-year-old Sarah Duchman of Irvine. Gebler has eight grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren, but they live far away. Besides, she said, there’s always room for one more youngster in her life.

“What else can we do in life but give love?” she mused. “If you get half as much as you give, you can be fulfilled.”

Sarah’s sister Roza also has adopted a “grandmother” at Heritage Pointe. Their father, Rabbi Mendel Duchman of the South County Chabad Jewish Center, said the children, whose own grandparents live in New York, are eager to share the news in their lives, both the good and the bad, with their adopted ones.

“They talk about their pen pals all the time,” Duchman said. “It’s very touching to see letters going back and forth. There’s a connection, and it’s beautiful.”

Sarah especially enjoys spending time with Gebler because her own grandparents live so far away. “It’s nice to have a grandparent right here so you can visit,” she said.

Cindi Berzanski, a 12-year-old Irvine resident, has lost three of her grandparents in the past year, and her surviving grandmother lives in South Africa. Cindi was eager, then, to adopt Nathan and Esta Lipson, both 78, as pen pals and companions.

“It’s nice to have them here--I feel like they’re my real grandparents,” Cindi said.

The Lipsons have eight grandchildren and one great-grandchild, but many of their relatives live on the East Coast and they had no young children to visit with here until they met Cindi. The couple say they want to be available to her whenever she needs to talk.

Cindi, for her part, appreciates having them as confidantes. Her family moved from South Africa five months ago, and she’s still adjusting to her new life. Cindi says she finds it particularly helpful that she can talk to them about difficulties at school. “They’ve experienced what I’m experiencing in my life, so they understand what I’m going through,” she said.

David Lutz, an 11-year-old Laguna Hills resident, said he and his adopted “grandmother,” Marion Brandler, “clicked” instantly. Brandler, an 88-year-old widow, has a daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter and great-great-granddaughter. David is the only young boy in her life, she says, and she is as proud of him as of her own offspring. She was reluctant to answer questions about herself, repeatedly shifting the conversation back to David.

“I don’t talk about my aches and pains or the past,” Brandler said. “Every day is something new. I don’t talk about my age. I stopped counting. Now I count my blessings.”

David is clearly one of them.

“The first time I saw him, I loved him,” she said, giving David a big squeeze. “He is so gifted I can’t begin to tell you. When he grows up, he could be in the White House.”

David, a surprisingly sensitive boy who converses at a level far beyond his years, blushed briefly, then returned the praise: “She’s pretty special too. She’s an active, loving woman, and she wants to express that, but she can’t get out as much as she used to.

“I plan to keep writing to her and saying hi. It’s good to keep communication open, to be aware there are elderly people here and they’re cut off from the community.”

David’s mother, Nancy Lutz, said having an adopted grandparent nearby is helping her son avoid adopting stereotypes about old age: “It’s a chance for David to hear the wisdom of an older person.”

Curkin said that children today can be cut off from older people and that that concern helped motivate her to start the program. She recalled her own grandmother, who lived with her family as Curkin was growing up, spending quiet moments lying in bed with her and teaching her Yiddish.

“This generation is losing that,” she said of such experiences.

The Heritage Pointe program can’t provide that kind of intimacy, she said, “but at least it brings the old and the young together.” She also hopes the contact with older people who might have more traditional values than the children’s parents do will help the children form a greater appreciation of their Jewish heritage.

Simon said he wants to teach Melissa at least one point vital to his religion--”to be faithful to family.”

“It’s the most important thing in life,” he stressed, adding, “I haven’t got much left.”

But now he has Melissa, who gave a note to her mom at the end of Sunday’s gathering that said, “I like Ben can I come agan.”

After they parted, Simon told Curkin: “You don’t know what this did for me. I am so lonely. This made my day. I needed a hug from somebody.”

So did Gebler, who said over her shoulder as she headed back to her apartment: “Children make life worthwhile again.”