A Replay of 1990 Shows It Mostly as Year to Forget

Spanning the globe, to bring you the constant variety of sport, the thrill of victory and the agony of the locker room, we now fasten our safety belts inside our magic DeLorean and take you back in time to a year in sports best ripped from the pages of our Chippendale’s Male Sportswriters in Spandex Pants calendar. May olde acquaintances be forgot, especially Brian Bosworth.

You know and I know what the sports highlights of 1990 were.

None.

There was the Super Bowl slaughter. The World Series sweep. The NCAA basketball championship slaughter. The second Buster Douglas “fight.” Detroit Pistons, back-to-back titles. San Francisco 49ers, back-to-back titles. And, yippy-ki-yay-yahoo, just to break the monotony, Edmonton won the Stanley Cup, Martina Navratilova won Wimbledon, Nick Faldo won the Masters and Taiwan won the Little League World Series. Talk about exciting new breakthroughs in sports!

But the heck with it.

After further review, the year stands.

BEST PREDICTION: Terry Bradshaw, wiggy and wigfree, re-establishes himself as the most candid dadgum sports figure in the history of television by saying before the CBS telecast of the Super Bowl that San Francisco not only will win easily, but “maybe by somethin’ like 55-3.” A dang-angry bunch of Denver Broncos shows up Bradshaw by losing by somethin’ like 55-10. In fact, by exactly like 55-10.

WORST PREDICTION: When the Phoenix Suns take Game 1 from the Lakers at the Forum, a mentally deficient representative of a great metropolitan newspaper tells the public not to worry, because it is the last game they will win in this playoff series because Phoenix traditionally “folds like a tortilla.” After the Suns win the series, Kurt Rambis and a mascot in a gorilla costume slam-feed a burrito down the so-called journalist’s gullet on live Phoenix TV. Properly humbled, said journalist declines to remind happy Phoenicians that the principal point of his article was that they would not win the NBA championship--which, in keeping with NBA tradition, they did not.

BEST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: Undoubtedly the Stanford band’s stirring salute to the endangered spotted owl in front of horrified, outdoorsy, woodsy Oregonians. (Persnickety music industry officials deny allegations that Stanford musicians have only pretended to play their instruments while marching to music actually recorded by a band from some anonymous college.)

WORST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: In this year’s national glass-shattering anthem-singoff sponsored by Memorex, it’s a photo finish between the Roseanne Barr Mangled Banner (complete with George Bush thumbs-down critique) in San Diego, the Hoyt Axton rendition at the Coliseum in which he begged forgiveness for forgetting the words because, “Hey, I’m a Raider fan,” and the Jose Feliciano warbling at a UCLA game.

BEST COSTUME: The Chicago White Sox wore their 1917-model uniforms, in fond memory of the last time they won the World Series. In the new Comiskey Park next season, they intend to wear their 2017 uniforms, in honor of the next time they will win a World Series.

WORST COSTUME: Sam (You Made the Pants Too Long) Wyche wore stretch tights with a fig leaf painted onto them outside the Cincinnati Bengals’ locker room at Anaheim Stadium, in mock protest of women being permitted inside that room. The thing about Sam is, he ought to be wearing a fig leaf over his mouth.

BEST FIGHT: The winner: Buster Douglas and Iron Mike Tyson, Tokyo. Close second: Marvelous John Forsythe and Smokin’ Harry Ornest, Hollywood Park, Inglewood.

WORST FIGHT: The winner (loser): Blubber Douglas and Evander Holyfield, Las Vegas. Close second: Bill Laimbeer vs. anybody, anywhere.

MOST EXCITING FINISH: Bill Shoemaker coming down the backstretch aboard Patchy Groundfog in his final ride, alas, to run out of the money; Derrike Cope coming into the final lap at Daytona to win when Dale Earnhardt blows a tire; the Philadelphia Phillies scoring nine runs in the ninth to beat the Dodgers, 12-11, putting Tom Lasorda on the new Rolaids-Fast diet.

LEAST EXCITING FINISH: Any major U.S. sporting event televised by CBS; any game at the World Cup soccer tournament not involving Cameroon; that one big blond “American Gladiators” babe getting bumped off her perch even though she had the smaller babe seriously outmuscled.

BIGGEST SURPRISE: Pete Sampras winning the U.S. Open tennis tournament; Cecil Fielder hitting 51 homers; Atlanta getting the Olympics; Ted Turner getting Jane Fonda.

LEAST BIG SURPRISE: Ivan Lendl not winning Wimbledon; Marge Schott doing something to pinch pennies; Phoenix not winning the NBA.

MOST INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT: Discovery by certain residents of Dixie that black people do play golf; permanent banishment of George Steinbrenner to Baseball Hell; new all-sports newspaper, the National.

LEAST INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT: Angel off-season moves; Sugar Ray Leonard un-retiring for the 37th time; Page 3 of the National.

MOST INSPIRING THING ABOUT 1990: Loyola Marymount in the NCAA basketball tournament.

LEAST INSPIRING THING ABOUT 1990: Buster Douglas’ weigh-in.

BEST NAME OF 1990: Baylor football player J.J. Joe.

BEST GAME OF 1990: USC-UCLA, 45-42.

WORST LUCK OF 1990: Anything involving Oakland.

BEST MOMENT OF 1990: December 31, 11:59 p.m., because that meant it was nearly over.