And Now, for Some <i> Really </i> Great TV : Television: Here’s proof that the networks have no monopoly on ‘creativity.’

The television networks have announced their new pilots and, as always, one after the other, they’re all clunkers.

Will my work never end? Must I forever bail out these nincompoops?

Well, so be it. Fortunately, I have a limitless supply of brilliant ideas for series that I can share with them. But this may be the last time. Do you hear? The last!

“Welcome Home . . . Again.” (Variety) Each week a different celebrity welcomes home the troops, starting posthumously with soldiers from the Revolutionary War and continuing through the Persian Gulf War, plus even wars that have not yet been fought.

A special treat: Whitney Houston sings her greatest hits in honor of the 15,000 militiamen who put down the Whisky Rebellion by west Pennsylvania farmers protesting the liquor tax in 1791.

As a bonus, local news anchors wear yellow ribbons to salute brave veterans of the 1801 U.S. war with Tripoli and any future wars the U.S. may have with Trinidad and Tobago. The theory here is that it’s never too late, or too early, to capitalize.

“Reverend Al Arrives.” (Reality/Comedy) A colorful, headline-seeking clergyman and his entourage each week travel to a different hot spot and immediately call a press conference and picket as a means of gaining attention.

On the premise that Reverend Al is a precious resource who should be shared, each program will carry a “900” number that viewers can call if they want him to visit and get on TV in their communities.

“Jews.” (Drama) Swimmers and surfers at a seaside community are terrorized by underwater aquatic rabbis. It’s almost too horrible for TV: You’re in the water and suddenly a head pops up beside you and asks you to give to the building fund.

“The Fugitive Congressman” (Drama/Adventure) Buddy, you’re in big trouble: You’re a Democrat who voted against the Gulf War, so now you’re on the run. Somehow you escape Washington, crisscrossing the country, each week taking an odd job in a small town where no one knows you, only to be discovered by the pursuing Republicans and forced to flee again.

Typical episode-ending scene has woman befriended by the fugitive congressman shocked to learn from a Republican that this man she had trusted voted against the war: “Dear God!”

Good prospect for a long-running series.

“The Mind of Don Wildmon” (Science Fiction). Neurosurgeons are miniaturized so that they can travel through and repair the brain of a controversial minister intent on imposing his will on the arts and airwaves.

The premiere finds this elite squad of brain specialists breaking through Wildmon’s protective membranes only to come under furious attack from renegade nerve cells in an area of the cerebrum experiencing extreme deterioration.

The rousing conclusion, with the neurosurgeons battling hideous disorders in the frontal, temporal, parietal and occipital lobes, is full of suspense and excitement.

“Dances With Wolf Blitzers” (Socially Conscious Drama). An idealistic TV news correspondent travels across the globe to a distant frontier not yet reached by CNN, only to later become disillusioned when Ted Turner cuts a satellite deal with the local inhabitants.

“America’s Funniest Police Brutality Videos.” (Reality). On the premise that violence can be a howl, viewers are encouraged to keep their camcorders handy and submit home movies of cops savagely beating helpless citizens. Victims of beatings would benefit by sharing in prize money that could be used for reconstructive surgery.

“Rodney King . . . One More Time.” (Reality). On the premise that everything can be exploited, this series features weekly slow-motion reruns and freeze-frame blow-ups of motorist King being clobbered by police. If that wears a little thin, the video can always be run backwards to music.

“George Holliday, If You Care.” (Drama). On the premise that anything sells, this series serializes the exciting story of how Holliday, the amateur cameraman who shot the Rodney King video, got started in the plumbing business.

“Operation Desert Norm” (Reality). A weekly video update on the latest TV appearances by Persian Gulf War hero Gen. A. Norman Schwarzkopf. Sample:

“Welcome to my neighborhood, Norm.”

“Thank you, Mister Rogers.”

“The Desert Lox” (Reality). Your favorite military experts return to TV, giving a weekly analysis of Saddam Hussein’s military strategy in the Gulf War.

“Anchor Sweeties” (Comedy) Assuming viewers are more interested in them than the news, husband and wife local anchors call each other sweetheart, giggle, kiss and engage in sexual foreplay on the air. Then, each night during ratings sweeps, they go all the way in front of the camera.

“Driving Miss Rosey” (Comedy). Spicy half-hour depicting how Roseanne Barr might react upon learning that her chauffeur has been blabbing to the tabloids. Lots of spirited physical comedy. Some violence.

“Major Dan.” (Comedy) A hard-boiled former network anchorman is frustrated in his new career as a college journalism professor, daydreaming instead about his days in the field as a combat reporter:

“Faster, boys. We’ve gotta beat the competition to Kuwait City.”

“The pedal’s down to the floor, Dan, but they’re still gaining on us.”

“Then we’ll slash Brokaw’s tires.”

“Bawling for Dollars” (Reality). A moving retrospective of Barbara Walters interviews.