Heisman Fans Ought to Check Calendar

Well, it isn’t even Mother’s Day and the first shot has been fired in behalf of a 1991 Heisman Trophy candidate.

Normally, they begin firing shots in July, maybe six weeks before the first game, at which time they probably should conduct the Heisman voting.

But a mailer recently arrives from Stanford University, outlining the many assets of one Glyn Milburn, majoring in public policy, a man gaining 2,222 yards for Stanford last year in rushing, receiving, punt returns and kickoff returns.

His coach assures the populace: “Glyn is a jack-of-all-trades and has the true characteristics to master all of them.”

Before long, other presentations will be arriving, asking voters, unblinkingly, to determine “the outstanding college football player in the United States.”

Such a determination, of course, is not possible. And proceeding from that farcical premise, the promotion grows increasingly frivolous, culminating with a suspenseful moment on national television when, from among candidates summoned to the hall, a monarch is crowned.

It is a solemn ceremony that we always have contended should be a roast in which Milton Berle and Don Rickles each does maybe six minutes on the kid who is picked.

In many cases, Heisman winners don’t happen by accident. They are beneficiaries of campaigns, coolly conceived. They include mailers, publicity plants and television exposures allowing Heisman candidates to be seen by voters who may not see them in the flesh.

A rule of thumb used to be that a candidate needed at least three exposures--two national, including one in late season, and one regional.

But since deregulation, resulting in nine to 11 games on TV each week, a guy playing on a live team can do much better.

In the service of the University of Miami, 1986, Vinny Testaverde picked up six exposures in his senior year.

The upshot: He won the Heisman by the widest margin since O.J. Simpson in 1968.

The gentleman in charge of Testaverde’s Heisman affairs, Karl Schmitt, then sports information director of Miami, confided: “Our game plan had included a national mailer--a four-color poster--in November. But when we picked up unexpected exposures on ABC and CBS, we dropped the mailer.”

And Miami’s cost for helping its son bag a Heisman? An estimated $6,000, modest for such an undertaking.

Stanford, which has opened its campaign for all-purpose runner Milburn, has enjoyed but one winning Heisman experience in the 56 years the award has been handed out.

It is 1970. Stanford is pushing Jim Plunkett. But folks in Mississippi aren’t looking out the window. They are firing away for Archie Manning.

Each Heisman voter receives in the mail a gorgeous poster displaying Archie, with the following expletives: “Heroic, Exciting, Illusive, Surpassing, Magic, Aeronautic, Nonpareil, Navigator, Incomparable, Nimble, Great.”

The reader isn’t sure whether Archie can play football, but certainly could use such a fellow for a son-in-law.

Next, a song is written about Manning. It is called, “The Ballad of Archie Who.” Backers get it played all over the land.

And the envelope please? The winner is Plunkett, amid charges that Stanford spent $25,000 on his campaign.

Stanford countered it spent only $319.03. No one cared enough to investigate.

The point is, though, the Heisman is growing in stature, instead of making a satisfactory disappearance from the scene, and this year’s voters have to brace for the bombardment inevitably to follow, now that Stanford has fired a shot as early as April.

In the fantasy we create, we ask the Downtown A.C., sponsor of this promotion: “Are you sure you are honoring the ‘outstanding college football player in the United States?’ ”

It responds: “If I’m lying to you, sweetheart, may God strike me dead.”

“But how can one honestly determine the best?”

The Downtown A.C. answers: “The best is determined by sportswriters and sportscasters, many of whom don’t see the people they vote for. Who can be more qualified? And who else offers us space and air time?”

The listener agrees. The Heisman group has enlisted the most qualified electors for the job.