A Fond Farewell to The Merger and Its High-Powered Cast

Frankly, I’m going to miss The Merger.

Not the thing itself. I’ll bow to the wisdom of the Public Utilities Commission: The deal stunk on ice, notwithstanding a $100-million effort by Southern California Edison to prove otherwise.

What I’ll miss--and I bet the combatants will miss it too--is the drama of it all.

Let’s be real: Most civic issues are boring to civilians.

Growth? I gave at the office. A new airport? My eyes glaze over. Sewage treatment? Zzzzzzzz.

The Merger was raw nerve ends for 34 months: human conflict, a war between city-states, engaging the most dramatic of the local dramatis personae : Maureen O’Connor, Michael Shames, Lee Grissom, Tom Page et al.

Much has been made of the David vs. Goliath simile. It picks up nicely on San Diego vs. Los Angeles, Good vs. Evil.

But what about the movie “Alien”? This time with O’Connor instead of Sigourney Weaver, fighting a malevolent thing (read Edison) from outer space.

Or “Silence of the Lambs”? Hannibal the Cannibal (Hannibal of Los Angeles) drives south on Interstate 5 and bites the faces off utility customers.

Great drama needs great villains. This one had Edison boss Howard Allen, the Dark Prince of the Utility Business.

“The fundamental flaw in the whole equation was when Howard Allen thought he could bulldoze everything over,” Grissom said.

Allen was perfect as The Man Most Likely to Be Hated in San Diego: short, tight-jawed, given to snapping orders, impatient with balky cities and prideful mayors.

His helicopter forays to San Diego were so counterproductive that his handlers told him to stay away. A plainclothes cop was assigned to protect him when he spoke to the City Club.

Allen reminded me of Nick Tortelli in “Cheers,” Carla’s ex-husband, the one with the mesmerizing eye and shifty manner.

As I said, The Merger had a great cast. Reruns, anyone?

Hill Street Khakis

City in motion.

* Amid all the hee-haw about the San Diego Police Department maybe shifting to less-traditional job titles, a small move in the opposite direction has been overlooked.

One recommendation by Assistant Chief Norm Stamper would return cops to blue uniforms, instead of the current khaki.

Reason: Blue is the traditional cop color. Khaki is not.

* “San Diego Trivia,” the book by librarian Evelyn Kooperman, is being made into a board game. Out this fall.

* Yes, I noticed that one of the people named to assess misconduct in the Sheriff’s Department is Joe E. Outlaw , a financial planner from Scripps Ranch.

* Dog news.

A guy called The Times to inquire about the spelling of Margaret Thatcher’s name. Said he just named his dog after the ex-P.M. and wants to have it straight on the dog’s papers.

* The final episode next Monday of this season’s “Major Dad,” starring Gerald McRaney as a desk-bound Marine, may look familiar. It has footage of Marines returning from Kuwait to Camp Pendleton.

* After a slew of jailhouse interviews, A’s Bandit suspect David Malley has gone mum. On orders of his lawyer.

Operation Brush and Floss

They too serve who only pull, fill and clean.

The Navy has issued a three-page press release, complete with a picture, to remind a grateful nation of the good work done by the Dental Department of the San Diego-based aircraft carrier Ranger during Operation Desert Storm.

The score: 300 wisdom teeth pulled, 650 teeth filled, 100 root canals, 350 cleanings.

The dental warriors kept a running tally, much like fighter pilots marking their hits: “If (fighter) squadrons can paint boats, bombs and tanks on their bulkheads, we can paint teeth, fillings and crowns on ours.”

The release notes that without proper dental care, some pilots might have been grounded with toothaches and thus unable to drop their bombs on Saddam’s forces.

Think of it: dental floss as a secret weapon of war.