The Record Makes It Clear: This Team Is World’s Worst

By virtue of their winless record, the Raleigh-Durham (N.C.) Skyhawks of the World League of American Football have been dubbed, “the worst team on the planet,” by the headline writers at the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The Skyhawks, coached by former Ram quarterback Roman Gabriel, have, among others, two Soviet players and one Norwegian on their roster. The Soviets, wrote Mark Bowden of the Inquirer, were especially slow to grasp some of the more rudimentary parts of the game. For example, they thought it was OK to inflict great physical punishment . . . on their teammates.

“When we first started, they didn’t seem to get the idea that you weren’t supposed to go all out and cream your teammates in practices,” Skyhawk wide receiver Marvin Hargrove said. “We used to be in the huddle saying, ‘Look out for the Russians!’ Like, ‘The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!’ ”

So bad are the Skyhawks that defensive coordinator Doug Kay said his defense “ranks 16th” in the league’s statistics.

There are 10 teams in the WLAF.

Add Skyhawks: Gabriel has resorted to desperate measures in attempts to squeeze a victory out of his hapless team.

“The dogged coach has tried working his players till they drop, inventing new plays weekly, printing motivational slogans, and even laying on some subliminal programming,” Bowden wrote. “Last week, Gabriel ordered each of his players to write out, ‘We Will Win,’ 300 times every night.”

Said Hargrove: “I felt like a grade schooler in detention.”

Gabriel also invited former coach Dick Vermeil to come down from the ABC-TV broadcasting booth and deliver a pregame speech to the Skyhawks. Vermeil, who led the Philadelphia Eagles to a Super Bowl appearance, was listened to intently, “as if Moses had just stepped down from the mountain,” Bowden observed.

Then the Skyhawks got beat, 35-0.

Where are they now?: Roger Clemens mows down batters for the Boston Red Sox. Rich Stoll mows his yard and wonders, what if?

Stoll is the athletic director at the Jupiter (Fla.) Christian School, is married and has two children. But in 1983, the Boston Red Sox came this close to choosing Stoll instead of Clemens in the annual free-agent draft. Had the Montreal Expos not taken Stoll, a University of Michigan star, with the 14th pick, the Red Sox would have taken him with the 19th selection, thus depriving Boston of a likely Hall of Fame pitcher.

“I’ll tell the kids or a friend that I was drafted ahead of Roger Clemens,” Stoll told Boston Globe correspondent Peter Gammons, “and they look at me like I’m crazy. So I let it drop. He’s the best player in baseball. I’m coaching and teaching and living from paycheck to paycheck, and while I’m happy and satisfied to be doing the Lord’s work, no one cares about might-have-beens.”

Trivia time: Who was the first player selected in that memorable 1983 baseball draft?

Trivia answer: The Minnesota Twins made pitcher Tim Belcher, now a Dodger, the first choice.

Quotebook: The Skyhawks’ Hargrove, reflecting on his team’s miserable record: “But we’ve got great uniforms.”