Fathers’ Challenge : More Men Are Struggling Alone to Raise Their Children

Jeff Stone plans to take his daughter out to breakfast and for a hike in the mountains today in celebration of Father’s Day. But he also has to go grocery shopping, prepare dinner, and “do the usual 10 loads of laundry.”

On his first Father’s Day, Rick Zimmerman recalled, “We left the baby with someone for the first time and went out to dinner alone.” Tonight he will be home doing the cooking.

For these two single fathers, and more than 5,000 others such as them in Ventura County, the challenge of raising children alone makes Father’s Day just a bit more complicated than they ever imagined.

Generally as a result of divorce, a growing number of men across the country have custody of their children. The most recent figures from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that 1.4 million men had this role in 1990.

In Ventura County, the number of single men raising children jumped 74% from 1980 to 1990, increasing from 2,957 households to 5,159. That compared with a 19% increase in households run by single mothers, up from 11,637 to 13,861.

Gina Giglio, a counselor with Ventura Family Center Inc., is glad to see more single fathers raising children.

“There is no reason why they cannot nurture as well as women,” she said. “Nevertheless, it is a sad testament to the breakdown of the family in America.”

In their years as single fathers, Stone and Zimmerman have faced several problems common among single fathers and mothers, according to family therapist Sharon Lafky.

Lafky, who teaches a Moorpark College workshop titled “The Joys of Single Parenting,” says those problems include overload, social isolation, and both emotional and financial stress.

The problems escalate when “people try to take the place of the absent parent to the exclusion of their own needs,” Lafky said.

She said single parents need to arrange adult social activities outside the family. Those who do not, risk depression and resentment of the child.

In addition to the double workload most single parents carry, Stone and Zimmerman, who are entitled to child support, say they rarely receive payments from ex-spouses living out of the state.

And both have struggled over the years to explain to their children why their mothers visit them only occasionally.

Zimmerman, 37, has cared for his daughters, Shannon, 9, and Erika, 4, for more than three years. He said his ex-wife had custody the first month after their divorce, “and then she just dropped them off.”

Zimmerman, one of five children, said, “The best thing I ever took in high school was a cooking class.

“And I was lucky my parents taught me all aspects of keeping house,” he added. “But the hardest thing for me was trying to iron all those little ruffles on the dresses.”

As with many single parents, Zimmerman has tried to rebuild his own life while coping with the problems of his two children. After his first divorce, he remarried briefly. But that marriage also failed.

Zimmerman, who suffers from diabetes, also has been plagued with serious health problems in the past year. Last July, he and his daughters moved from Arizona to live temporarily with his parents in Simi Valley. He is now recovering from a kidney transplant five months ago.

His two divorces and his health problems have been difficult for his daughters, Zimmerman said. But he believes that living with his parents during the past year has helped the two girls. He believes that before the move they felt too much pressure to take care of him at times.

“Erika is too young to help out,” he said. “But Shannon tried to play wife, nurse, sister--the whole shot. That’s not something an 8-year-old should have to do.”

For Zimmerman, the future remains uncertain. He said his plans hinge on finding another job as a draftsman. He also recently joined Parents Without Partners to compare notes with others in his situation.

He said his daughters “have liked the family functions a lot.”

Despite the difficulty of being a single father, Zimmerman cherishes the experience.

“Because of their work, most men don’t have a chance to get as close to their children as I have,” he said. “I enjoy just spending time with them outside of the routine. The time not committed to work or the house is the best. That’s what I look forward to.”

Like Zimmerman, Stone has spent most of his years as a single father living alone with his daughter, Sharla, who is now 10. He has, however, had the help of his fiancee, Diana, for the past two years. She has two younger children of her own, and they now live together in Westlake Village in what Stone describes as a “blended family.”

Stone, 34, has raised his daughter primarily by himself since she was 3. But it has not been easy. Stone, who is employed as a shipping coordinator with a computer manufacturer, described years of running home during lunch hour to clean and empty the dishwasher.

“I’d use vacation days to stay home when she was sick,” he added.

Although he was the only father on the birthday party circuit, it took a broken jar of mayonnaise when his daughter was 6 to crystallize single fatherhood for Stone.

“During the usual morning rush to fix lunches and get Sharla to school, I dropped the jar. I had to leave it,” he said. “But all day I knew it would still be there for me to clean up when I got home. That’s when I knew I was alone in this.”

While the going has been tough at times, Stone said the benefits of having custody of his child have outweighed the problems.

“It’s been hard, but when I asked myself, ‘What are my priorities?’ the answer was obvious: There was this child that I’m responsible for, and I wasn’t going to fail,” Stone said.

FYI

A wide range of services is available for single fathers and single mothers in Ventura County. The Ventura County district attorney’s Child Support Division ombudsman can answer questions about payment enforcement and Aid to Families with Dependent Children: 648-9282. Interface provides information about family services: 496-1994. Child Development Resources of Ventura County provides information about day care: 487-4931. One Again, support groups for adults who find themselves single again, meets weekly throughout the county: 498-7111 or 522-1846. Parents Without Partners offers social functions for single parents and their children: 647-0633. Parenting Plus Counseling Center in Newbury Park has a variety of therapy and support groups for men, women and children of divorce on a sliding fee scale: 499-1606. Men at Work (371-1462) and For Men Only (482-6266) are support groups for men who want to improve the quality of their lives. Also, United Fathers of America (213-390-1273) and Fathers of America (213-822-3517) provide counseling, referrals and assistance with legal paperwork.