TIMES ORANGE COUNTY POLL : Parents Lament a Lack of Time for Children : A survey finds shifting attitudes--and guilt--about careers and home. Adults still worry about drugs, but less so than a year ago.

Orange County parents give themselves poor marks on child-rearing and say they spend so much time out of the house that they don’t do a good job guiding their children. One result, the parents lament, is that their kids often are undisciplined and lack morals.

These and other findings of the second annual Times Orange County Poll on family life paint a picture of families frustrated by a lack of time to supervise their children.

Asked how they grade themselves in teaching their children morals and values, most parents (53%) gave themselves no better than a C grade. One in four said they deserved a D or an F.

Forty percent of Orange County parents said lack of parental supervision was the main cause of problems for children growing up in the county. This was substantially higher than those who identified exposure to drugs and alcohol (23%) or lack of religion and morals (11%), the next two leading categories. Divorce and TV sex and violence were named by 18% of the parents.

Family researchers said admissions of problems at home are unusual and illuminate the distress felt by working families. The results also document a growing trend to shift the responsibility for work-family conflicts away from the home and toward business and government.

“Parents really do feel absent. Physically absent and absent in terms of their influence,” said Ellen Galinsky, co-president of the New York-based Families and Work Institute. “Now parents are saying this is not a personal problem. It’s a societal problem.”

Parents agreed.

“If the kids are at home, they’re alone watching MTV. They’re raising themselves,” said an Irvine mother of two teen-agers who noted that many teens in her community have no curfew, and some 16-year-old girls are allowed to spend the weekend with their boyfriends.

“I’m just disillusioned with the lack of parental guidance,” she said. “Where’s the family structure?”

The telephone survey of 600 Orange County residents was conducted May 28-June 1 by Mark Baldassare & Associates. The margin of error is plus or minus 4%.

Other findings from the poll signal frayed family ties and a yearning of parents to downshift the focus of their hectic lives away from work:

* Both men and women overwhelmingly said they would sacrifice career promotions if it meant taking time away from their children. Two in three residents approved of divorce for couples with children, saying they should not remain in a troubled marriage for the sake of the children; women were more adamantly in favor of divorce than men.

* More than their relatives, people turned to their friends for informal advice about family problems. But if they needed money, they would first ask a relative.

* For professional advice on child-rearing, parents were more likely to ask their family doctor before clergy, teachers or therapists.

* Despite the proliferation of working families, traditional patterns prevailed at home--husbands brought in the larger income, wives did most of the housework.

Twenty years ago, women wanted to show they could have and do it all, Galinsky noted. “In the ‘80s, they were saying they were tired, but still putting the burden on themselves.

“In the ‘90s, they’re saying, ‘This is not working, and either I’m going to have to cut back or government is going to have to provide more.’ ”

Contrary to the 1970s notion that “quality time” could be achieved by close communication with children, parents now see a need for a certain amount of quantity, she said.

Significantly, the Times Orange County Poll found that respondents perceived their children’s friends to be nearly equal to them as the main moral influences in their children’s lives.

Asked “Where do you think most children today primarily learn about morals and values?” 38% say from their parents, and 32% say from their friends. Fifteen percent replied that children learned morals from school and only 7% named church. One percent answered “nowhere.”

“One of the results of the weakening of the family as an institution, and the decreasing amount of time parents are spending with their children, is that the moral education of children is increasingly being carried out by people other than parents,” said David Blankenhorn, president of the New York-based Institute for American Values, a nonpartisan think tank dealing with family issues.

Respect for others, social skills for learning and avoiding trouble, are all traits that come from the family environment, he said. “Parents are worried about this and for good reason.”

A Huntington Beach welfare mother said 9-year-old boys are routinely out alone after dark in her neighborhood, sometimes smoking, sometimes asking her son to play. “Don’t these mothers care where their kids are after dark?”

Unfortunately, she said she is rarely able to control his choice of playmates.

Sixty-four percent, about the same as in last summer’s Times Orange County Poll, believe that Orange County is a “good” or “excellent” place for family life and raising children. Residents continue to idealize family life, ranking it as the most satisfying aspect of their lives, followed by love and marriage, work and career, leisure time and finances.

But they are frustrated by the lack of family values in the society around them and even in their own homes.

Asked to name the greatest problems for parents raising children in Orange County today, the largest group, 25%, cited drugs and alcohol, down from 32% last year. The next largest concern, crime and gangs, rose from 7% to 13%.

However, when parents were asked about the greatest problems in raising their own children, only 2% mentioned drugs and alcohol or crime and gangs. Twenty-three percent said they had no problems.

The largest group--24%--mentioned discipline and morality, followed by lack of time, 16%, poor role models, 11%, financial, 7%, school and child care, 5% each, and divorce, 4%.

Echoing last year’s survey, both men and women yearn for more time with their families. Both overwhelmingly said they would put their children ahead of their careers.

Asked whether they would sacrifice their career goals, such as turning down a new job or a promotion that meant taking time away from their family, 83% of parents said they would. Women were more likely to favor sacrifices, with 83% answering “yes,” compared to 71% of the men.

But in reality, many cannot afford it. Anthony Migliaccio, 29, an underwriter living in Trabuco Canyon, said he and his wife, Jane, a nurse, are not ready to sacrifice money for time with their 9-month old daughter, Theresa. “We have to work and she has to go to day care so we can provide for her in the future.”

College educations take money, he said in an interview, and now is the time for him to move up in his career. A time will come when they feel stable enough to cut back. But for now, he said, “we’re still young, so we’ve got to work a little harder.”

Parents said they could use help in everything from baby-sitting to emotional support and errands. But the majority described their network of social support as only “somewhat adequate” or worse.

The parents said they rarely ask neighbors, extended family or in-laws for advice, preferring to consult friends on child-rearing matters. Forty-three percent of women said they seek help from their friends at least once a week, compared to only 18% of men. Nearly four in 10 said they never ask their parents for advice.

However, asked who they would turn to if they needed $500 for an emergency, 72% would go to a relative, 15% a friend, 4% elsewhere. One man replied, “a bank.” One percent said they didn’t know where they would be able to turn.

As for solutions to the problems facing families, a majority approved of every suggested policy to family problems--even expanding welfare.

Residents’ top three solutions, each receiving about 80% approval, were: “Having the state government pay for school-based health-care centers, so that all schoolchildren can have access to preventive health care,” “Expanding government funding for child-care programs, so that all working parents can afford day care for their children,” and “Requiring employers to offer working parents more flexible work schedules and opportunities to do more of their work at home.”

When his employer, Hughes Aircraft, implemented flextime a little more than a year ago, Casey Opsteegh, 42, said he started working from 7 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Now, he says, he has time to go to the park with his sons, 9 and 6, or play catch in front of their Garden Grove home.

He says the camaraderie they’ve developed has brought the family closer.

“The strength of the family is what keeps the kids away from the other outside influences that are not good for them.”

How the Poll Was Conducted

The Times Orange County Poll was conducted by Mark Baldassare & Associates of Irvine. The telephone survey of 600 Orange County adults was conducted May 28-June 1 on weekday nights and weekend days, using a computer-generated random sample of listed and unlisted numbers. An equal number of men and women were interviewed. About 40% of the respondents had children currently living at home. The margin of error is plus or minus 4% for the total sample, and plus or minus 6.5% for parents with children at home. All respondents were guaranteed anonymity, but some agreed to be re-interviewed by reporters.

BACKGROUND

Results of the Times Orange County Poll on family values and social support come on the heels of a new statewide report that said the county has the third-largest child population among the 58 counties in the state, with 24% of its residents under age 18. The county ranks among California’s best in providing for children’s health and welfare, said the advocacy group Children Now, but also has a “troubling” rise of children living below the poverty level. Children in Orange County grow up in conditions of extreme wealth and poverty, says the report, which overall gave the state a D grade for the way it has cared for its children.

Family Poll Parents’ Report Card In general, how would you grade the job most parents are doing today in teaching their children morals and values? A: 3% B: 17% C: 53% D: 21% F: 5% Don’t know: 1% Cause of Problems According to Parents What would you say is the main cause of problems for children growing up in Orange County today? Lack of parental supervision: 40% Exposure to drugs and alcohol: 23% Lack of religion and morals: 11% Too many divorces: 9% Exposure to TV sex and violence: 9% Poverty and low income: 1% Other: 4% Don’t know: 3% Source of Morals and Values Where do you think most children today primarily learn about morals and values?

All adults Parents From parents 38% 44% From their friends 32% 28% School 15% 16% Religion 7% 5% Other/Don’t know 8% 7%

Personal Sacrifices Do you think that couples in a troubled marriage should stay together for the sake of the children, or not?

Parents Men Women Yes 32% 30% 25% No 61% 62% 68% Don’t know 7% 8% 7%

Would you sacrifice your career goals--such as turning down a new job or a promotion that would take time away from your family--for the sake of your children,or not?

Parents Men Women Yes 83% 71% 82% No 14% 19% 13% Don’t know 3% 10% 5%

Problems for Parents What do you think is the biggest problem for parents who are raising children in Orange County today?

All Adults Parents Only 1991 1990 1991 1990 Drugs and alcohol 25% 32% 19% 23% Crime and gangs 13% 7% 17% 10 Schools 11% 9% 12% 13% Expenses 11% 10 11% 13% No Time 8% 9% 7% 8% Lack of morals 3% 7% 3% 8% Divorce 1% 3% 1% 3% Other 18% 15% 23% 16% Don’t know 10 9% 7% 7%

Married Life Who would you say does most of the work in your home--including house cleaning, cooking and childcare--you, your spouse, or is it shared equally?

Married Men Married Women You 7% 60% Your spouse 47 5 Shared equally 46 35

Who would you say contributes most of the income for your household--you, your spouse, or both equally?

Married Men Married Women You 67% 11% Your spouse 5 67 Shared equally 28 22

Social Support What if you needed $500 in an emergency? Who, if anyone, could you turn to for financial help? Relative: 72% Friend: 15% More than one source: 6% Elsewhere: 4% No one: 2% How often do you turn to these places and professionals for help and advice in raising your children? (% often or sometimes) Your family doctor, or other medical professionals: 51% Religious institutions and clergy: 37% Schools, including teachers and counselors: 33% Family therapists, or other mental health professionals: 13% Satisfaction with Life In general, how satisfied are you currently with each of these features of your life--not satisfied, somewhat satisfied or very satisfied? (% very satisfied) All Adults Finances: 36% Leisure Time: 51% Work and Career: 52% Marriage and Love Life: 68% Family and Children: 71% Parents Finances: 31% Leisure Time: 42% Work and Career: 56% Marriage and Love Life: 73% Family and Children: 71% O.C. Rated for Families How would you rate Orange County as a place for family life and raising children? All Adults Excellent: 23% Good: 41% Fair: 24% Poor: 10 Don’t Know: 2% Source: The Times Orange County Poll