Notes on a Scorecard

Guaranteed to happen in the NFL this season:

A $500,000-a-year veteran will outplay a $1.5 million-a-year rookie. . . .

Al Davis will be first runner-up for induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. . . .

Phil Simms will regain his job. . . .

A prevent defense will prevent a touchdown, but nobody will write about it. . . .

When Bill Parcells decides to return to coaching, NBC will be scooped. . . .

Victor Kiam will embarrass himself and the human race. . . .

A wild and crazy special teams player will become a cult figure. . . .

Fred Edelstein will reveal that the Raiders are moving back to Oakland. . . .

Dan Henning of the San Diego Chargers will be the first coach fired. . . .

Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Alvin Harper from Tennessee will be NFC rookie of the year. . . .

New England Patriot running back Leonard Russell from Arizona State will be AFC rookie of the year. . . .

Georgia Frontiere will lead the league in signing autographs. . . .

William (Refrigerator) Perry will become known as Michael Dean Perry’s brother. . . .

Nobody will say that an offensive tackle is in a slump. . . .

Compared to baseball, games will seem quick. . . .

The Rams will wish they had traded for Lee Williams. . . .

Owners will complain about instant replay and then vote to keep it. . . .

A slow, 5-foot-10, 180-pound wide receiver will be among the league leaders in catches. . . .

Announcers will have trouble explaining the new interpretation of the in-the-grasp rule. . . .

A rookie won’t know who Pete Rozelle is. . . .

Wade Wilson will get hurt. . . .

Players and coaches will ask for the abolition of artificial turf. . . .

John Elway and Dan Reeves will have trouble communicating. . . .

The last month of the season, playoff possibilities will take up a full column in the newspaper. . . .

Dan Marino’s uniform won’t need cleaning. . . .

The best race among good teams will be in the NFC East. . . .

The best race among mediocre teams will be in the NFC Central. . . .

It will be determined that the run-and-shoot offense has been most successful at Houston--whether it be the NFL, the NCAA or the USFL. . . .

Elvis Presley will snub Jerry Glanville again. . . .

Nobody will remember who won the Pro Bowl last season. . . .

A Kansas City Chief back will lead the league in rushing. . . .

Warren Moon will pass for more than 500 yards, and the Houston Oilers will lose the game. . . .

On a 25-degree afternoon, a broadcaster sitting in a warm booth will say that it’s a perfect day for football. . . .

Jeff Fisher’s new, aggressive Ram defense will look great one minute and lousy the next. . . .

Barry Sanders will be the best runner in the league. . . .

Visiting teams will complain that it’s too hot to play at Phoenix in September. . . .

Randall Cunningham will win a game that he shouldn’t. . . .

Randall Cunningham will lose a game that he shouldn’t. . . .

Mike Ditka will badmouth the Chicago Bears. . . .

Eric Dickerson’s honeymoon with the Indianapolis Colts will end. . . .

There will be a quarterback controversy in San Francisco. . . .

Jim Mora’s New Orleans Saint offense will be too conservative. . . .

A running back who gains 1,000 yards will be immortalized for averaging 62.5 yards a game. . . .

Jerry Seeman, the new supervisor of officials, will make a ruling with a smile on his face. . . .

Andre Waters will injure somebody with a questionable hit. . . .

The Coliseum scoreboard clock won’t work. . . .

The Green Bay Packers will win the best-dressed award. . . .

Jay Schroeder will throw an interception after completing 15 consecutive passes and get booed off the field at the Coliseum. . . .

Cincinnati, Buffalo, the Raiders, San Francisco, Washington and Minnesota will win divisional championships. . . .

Buffalo and Washington will win conference championships. . . .

Buffalo will win the Super Bowl on a Scott Norwood field goal.