Kickoff Picks and Pans for NFL Season

A new NFL season beckons today and the best and worst of it only begins with Barry Sanders and Victor Kiam . . .

Best team: Buffalo Bills. They were the best team last year, too, but life is seldom fair.

Worst team: New England Patriots. Then again, sometimes it is.

Not the best team, but working on it: Houston Oilers. Last year, they beat Buffalo, Kansas City and Cincinnati--and lost to Atlanta, Seattle and the Rams. Team Flip-a-Coin seems to getting serious, though--trading for Lee Williams, the Fearsome Onesome, to stabilize the manic-depressive defense. If this isn’t the year, it may never come. Warren Moon is 35, toting lots of mileage.

Not the worst team, but working on it: Denver. From Super Bowl XIV to 5-11 to Gaston Green at tailback. Go, Buffaloes.

Best quarterback controversy: San Francisco 49ers, elbowing out the New York Giants. The World’s Greatest Backup steps forward and if Steve Young is 4-0 by the time The World’s Greatest Human returns, George Seifert won’t know what hit him. A great year to be a Bay Area newspaper subscriber.

Worst quarterback controversy: Los Angeles Raiders. Jay Schroeder is Al Davis’ guy, understand? The Steve Beuerlein revolution never got off the ground, not in 1990 (Beuerlein as sideline fashion plate) and not in 1991, either (Beuerlein as Troy Aikman’s backup). Is that a photo of Al in Schroeder’s wallet?

Worst quarterback controversy, runner-up: Phoenix Cardinals. If they only had one.

Best division: NFC East. The best team in the division won the Super Bowl, the worst team went 4-0 this exhibition season. In between, Washington has Joe Gibbs, Philadelphia has Randall Cunningham and Dallas has a team that could win the NFC Central.

Worst division: NFC Central. Jim Harbaugh hangs his shingle here. It reads: First-Place Quarterback.

Best thing about Buddy Ryan not coaching the Eagles this year: Draft Randall Cunningham for your fantasy-league team, feel no guilt.

Worst thing about Buddy Ryan not coaching the Eagles this year: No more freebies for NFC playoff teams.

Best off-season idea by the Rams: Jeff Fisher. Finally, the right philosophy. Wrong defensive line, but the right philosophy.

Worst off-season idea by the Rams: Pete Holohan. What two things do Latin Berry, Derrick Faison, Chuck Long and Mike Wilcher have in common? 1) They were protected by the Rams when Holohan wasn’t. 2) They were cut before the first kickoff.

Best holdout: Bobby Humphrey. If it gets him out of Denver, and it’s certainly leaning that way, he has to know what he’s doing.

Worst holdout: Marion Butts. He sat out all summer and lost money on the deal. No raise, big fine.

Best agent: Dan Marino’s. Marino will get $25 million for the next five years. For the past eight, Marino has given his linemen Isotoner gloves for Christmas, but still no rings.

Worst agent: Doug Reed’s. Plan A was to reject the Rams’ original offer of $550,000. Plan B offered no takers. Plan C was to re-sign with the Rams for a $350,000 cut and hope for a trade. Plan D was to sit at home and wait for phone calls. Plan E? Call Dan Marino.

Best thing San Diego did about its woeful quarterback situation: Trade Billy Joe Tolliver.

Worst thing San Diego did about its woeful quarterback situation: Forget to trade for another.

Best backup quarterback: Phil Simms. And across town, the Jets are starting Ken O’Brien.

Best reason to root for Buffalo: Scott Norwood.

Worst reason to root for Buffalo: Buffalo. Even Cleveland makes jokes.

Best reason to forgive Jerry Jones: The Cowboys have reloaded Dallas. Had Beuerlein arrived a year earlier, the Game 16 pinch-hit doesn’t go to Babe Laufenberg and the Cowboys go to the playoffs. Now, Dallas is stocked for the 90s--Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Russell Maryland, Alvin Harper, Michael Irvin, an entire cast of young guns. Moral of the story: If you’re shopping Herschel Walker or Steve Walsh, remember, there’s a Minnesota and a New Orleans born every minute.

Best reason to forgive Robert Irsay: None recorded yet. But the Colts are also beginning to scuffle back, with Jeff George starting to play as if he were worth the cost, Billy Brooks easing the pain of Andre Rison’s rise and Eric Dickerson signed and apparently content for the moment. As soon as the defense and the offensive line arrive, they’ll be just fine.

Best--or worst--idea, Herschel Walker Division: Minnesota gives the one-back offense a go. It’s now or never.

Best employment opportunity for Chuck Long: Phoenix or San Diego. Keep loose, Chuck. It shouldn’t be long.

Worst sense of humor: The NFL. Now that the demon threats of the Ickey Shuffle and the Benson Boogie have been squelched, we’re all breathing easier, I see. And to all those players griping about the no-fun rule changes: You want freedom of expression, go to the Soviet Union.

Best guess at the Super Bowl tournament: NFC division titles to San Francisco, Minnesota and Washington. NFC wild cards to New York, Dallas and the Rams. AFC division titles to Buffalo, Houston and Kansas City. AFC wild cards to Miami, Pittsburgh and the Raiders. NFC title to Washington, AFC title and Super Bowl to Buffalo. One year later, the rings are delivered.

Best-case scenario for the Rams: Young-Montana pollutes the waters in San Francisco, Jim Everett remembers 1989, the defense loses some battles but wins the war, Cleveland Gary finds the handle, Todd Lyght and Roman Phifer settle in, the Rams split their first four games and the season ends at 9-7 with a wild-card game at home.

Worst-case scenario for the Rams: Tom Tupa turns into Anthony Dilweg and here we go again.