His Game Has an Advantage

The moving finger writes, and, having writ, mails. To wit:

“Dear Jim Murray:

“You deserve a free pass every now and then . . . but I really have to call you on (your) tennis column. I know, it’s funny, but you’ve gotta know more about tennis than this.

“Tennis requires a wider spectrum of athletic skill and a higher level of conditioning than any other sport except basketball, where the players are part of a team effort and play with a lot of rest periods. The other team sports are so massively platooned and the games so slow that they don’t count in this equation. Tennis players are all alone out there . . . sometimes five hours at a stretch (Connors/(Patrick) McEnroe the other night. Wasn’t that something!?)

“The women’s draw is a little shallow, but any of the top 10 men can win any tournament, sometimes from a lot further down the draw. (Look at Sampras at the Open last year and Chang at the French the year before.) You say this is not good? An unpredictable finish is not good for sport?

“You object to the women who squeal every time they hit the ball. They’re trying to hit it harder, Jim, moving toward the men’s game. The men use their mobility, speed and weight to put steam on the ball. (I know Jimmy grunts when he serves. He’s a great player. He can grunt if he wants to.)

“You don’t like the yelling and bitching over the line calls; neither do I. Laver and Budge never did it, neither does Sampras or Edberg. In tennis, though, a referee does occasionally overrule a linesman. No baseball umpire has changed a call since the Johnstown Flood, yet you get 50-year-old fat men in baseball suits charging out of the dugout screaming, then (get this!) kicking dust and sulking back to the dugout to knock over the water cooler. When McEnroe was at his worst, some said: ‘Well, he’s just a kid.’ What’s Lasorda’s excuse?

“You think tennis fans are wimps because they whistle to protest a bad call, instead of booing like good American baseball fans. Just as a guy tosses the ball to serve, maybe? Should they throw things at him, too, as they do in Davis Cup matches in Mexico? You like it when the home crowd at a football game screams so loud the visiting quarterback can’t call his signals? Are you a fan of the wave? You like cheerleaders in chicken suits?

“You say tennis has too many foreigners. . . . Ahh, I think I’ll let you off that one. You didn’t mean it. As for staring at the racket strings, you’ve got me. If I do that, the racket says: ‘Don’t look at me, dummy! You’re the one that screwed up.’

“Yeah, I’ll grant you, the scoring system is pretty strange. Still, tennis is a sport you can play all over the world, indoors or outdoors, rain or shine, day or night, summer or winter. The equipment’s cheap, easily portable, and you can get a workout that’ll bring you to your knees in one hour. Millions play, more pay to watch it. What other sport can claim that?

As ever,

Charlton Heston.”

You think I’m going to argue with HIM!? And have the Red Sea close over me? Go down, Moses, and tell tennis I was only kidding. I even hope some guy named Igor wins it.