The Java Edition : How to Be a Coffee Snob

Acid: Sour-tasting; sort of a fault. However, “acidy” is sort of OK. If you really like the degree of acidity in a coffee, call it “bright”; if you really hate it, call it “sour” and shrewdly guess that the beans were picked underripe.

Caramelly: Candy-like, characteristic of certain coffees.

Chocolatey: Good, unless it’s an added flavor. Real connoisseurs hate added flavors.

Dead: Not enough acidity, a fault of the bean. Also called “flat.”

Floral: Delicate aroma like flowers, an admired flavor characteristic unlikely to survive dark roasting.

Fruity: An aroma like berries or possibly citrus fruits, also likely to be overpowered by dark roasting. Fruitiness is high praise, unless it’s an added flavor-- never admit liking Chocolate-Raspberry Parfait coffee.

Grassy: Smelling like lawn trimmings--not an admired trait.

Hard: Smelling like iodine, no one knows why.

Lifeless: Not acid enough; like “dead,” only due to underbrewing. Also called “thin.” (Remember: “dead” is the same as “flat,” but “lifeless” is the same as “thin.”)

Muddy: You don’t like it.

Musty: You don’t like it.

Nutty: An aroma like roasted filbert nuts, characteristic of some coffees, especially Mexican. Hazelnut-Chocolate Parfait coffee doesn’t count.

Papery: Lacking in toasted flavors, characteristic of a very light roast.

Rich: You really like it (don’t overwork this term or you may be asked what you mean).

Rioy: A very cool and obscure term to use, though you won’t have a chance with premium coffees--it’s a fault of certain blending coffees. Means starchy taste, grainy consistency; pronounced REE-oh-ee (comes from Rio de Janeiro).

Rubbery: Aroma of burnt rubber. It indicates robusta beans--which is bad enough--that have been badly harvested (allowed to dry on the tree), making this about the most insulting coffee-taster’s term you can use.

Spicy: You like it.

Toasty: You like the way it’s roasted.

Turpeny: Smells of turpentine.

Watery: Too much water.

Wild: Particular indescribable gamey flavors. Be sure to detect them in Ethiopian coffees.

Winy: Like red wine. Notice this quality in Kenya and Yemen coffees. It’s extra cool to be more specific (“Bordeaux”).

Espressohead

There are coffee tables, and now there are espresso tables--designed by David Lynch, the joe-swilling director of “Blue Velvet” and “Twin Peaks.” Is it bigger than a bread box? No, it’s exactly the same size. A handsome little construct of steel and Douglas fir (also available in birch), it has just room enough to hold a demitasse and a cruller. The table, sold at L.A.’s groovy Atomic-Age furniture shop, Skank World, goes for $600. So far, eight have been sold and there have been inquires from Europe. Lynch fans there spotted a picture of the ristretto -sized espresso table in Time magazine, but some thought it was made of foam rubber and came with the prop cup of coffee and cherry pie attached. “I had to explain to them,” says Skank World owner Linda Gershon: “It’s not conceptual art, it’s a table.”

Who is Juan Valdez?

On the back of upscale magazines, his image shows up on the moon, it’s etched into an Egyptian pyramid, birds in flight mysteriously form his likeness, and sometimes, on TV, he’s seen skulking around the aisles of a supermarket. But does Juan Valdez, the symbol of the Colombian coffee industry, really exist? Sorry, java fans, the New York advertising firm Doyle Dane Bernbach (now DDB Needham Worldwide Inc.) created the fictional character in 1959.

I only have a cup a day. And I’m not really that nervous, you know. I’m not one of those coffee addicts. And I can quit any time I want. But, of course, I don’t have to and . . .

Researchers at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine were, as the Baltimore Sun reported, “astonished” to find that even low-caffeine users--those who have just a cup of coffee a day (or two cans of cola)--suffer from withdrawal symptoms, including headaches and downright crankiness, if their daily dose is suddenly denied.

Stupidest Man on TV?

The fumbling bachelor in the Maxwell House Filter Packs commercial. He can’t count out three scoops of coffee and listen to the morning news at the same time.