He Barely Has Time to Get His Fax Straight

Are the Dodgers going to finish higher than Atlanta or lower than Atlantis?

I don’t know.

But time is running so short, I barely had time to get these faxes out.

Art Howe, Mgr.

Houston Astros

Houston, TX 77001

Look, anytime you clowns care to win another baseball game, it’s OK by us.

We all saw how you played against Atlanta last week. You made real Astros out of yourselves.

Now, I realize that the only thing the Houston Astros know about playing in the World Series is that it is something Houston doesn’t know how to do. You know, sort of like the Super Bowl.

But the World Series happens to be pretty important out here in Los Angeles, where we also indulge such radical behavior as playing baseball outdoors.

So, if you think you guys could possibly play nine whole innings of decent baseball any day this weekend in Atlanta, I know that it would be a pleasant surprise for most of the nation’s population. Thanking you in advance.

P.S.: Nice uniforms.

Tom Glavine, LHP

Atlanta Braves

Atlanta, GA 30302

Good job. You got my Cy Young vote. Now, get some sleep. And don’t you go giving that playoff game a second thought. You hear?

The Pitching Staff

Cincinnati Reds

Cincinnati, OH 45202

I would never accuse any baseball team of underhanded tactics.

However, having seen the way you guys pitched against the Braves, and having heard how you guys feel about the Dodgers, I find myself wondering if this is the way you pitched.

Underhanded.

Anyway, thanks for a job well done. Not.

Especially you, Charlton and Dibble. Go throw at yourselves.

B. Bonds, B. Bonilla

Pittsburgh Pirates

Pittsburgh, PA 15212

OK, you say you’re neutral. You have already qualified for the playoffs and you don’t care whom you play.

Barry, Bobby, we understand completely.

But hold onto this one thought, will you?

The television ratings for a postseason series involving the Los Angeles Dodgers would be up there with Cosby and Roseanne and that pregnant Murphy Brown babe.

The television ratings for a postseason series involving Pittsburgh and Atlanta would be somewhere between the National Geographic specials and those Patty Duke reruns on Nickelodeon.

Have a nice playoff.

The New Manager

Whoever He Is

New York Mets

Flushing, NY 11368

Darryl?

Fine, thank you. Why do you ask?

Kelly Gruber, 3B

Toronto Blue Jays

Toronto, Canada M5V 3B3

I am writing to apologize. I heard you say that Toronto has never choked. That it was all in the minds of media people who never played an inning in their lives.

You’re right, and first chance, I’d like to shake your hand to say no hard feelings. Please remove all your championship rings first so they won’t get scratched.

Kal Daniels, LF

L.A. Dodgers

Los Angeles 90012

Should an umpire call you out on strikes this weekend, the phrase you are searching for is: “Darn you.”

Just a reminder.

Skip Caray, Don Sutton

Superstation TBS

Atlanta, GA 30302

OK! OK! It’s a great team! It’s a fabulous team! It’s the best Atlanta team ever! I was just kidding! Call off your fans! HELLLPPPPP!

Seattle Baseball Fans

(Both of Them)

Seattle, WA 98104

Wow, a winning team. When’s the parade?

Roger Craig, Mgr.

Candlestick Park

San Francisco 94124

Enclosed, find large sum of money. It’s yours. Pass it around among the coaches and players. Divide it up any way you wish.

Just tell Clark to take it easy. Keep Mitchell on the bench. Put a big Band-Aid on McGee and say he’s hurt. Give Righetti a weekend off to spend with the kids.

Nobody has to know. And even if they do, these scandals always blow over. The Black Sox thing. The Pete Rose thing. Hundred years from now, nobody will remember.

Score no runs against Martinez. No runs against Morgan. No runs against Hershiser. That’s all you have to do. We will make it up to you. Next year you can win the division. Promise.