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This Is What the Previews Didn’t Show

The Christmas movies are out, so let’s review them on a scale of one to 10, 10 being best, except for four stars, which isn’t as good as thumbs-up.

I’m surprised so many of them have a sports theme:

“HOOK”

One day in a magical kingdom, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sets out to find the secret fountain of youth that will take him back to Neverland. In a world where no one grows old, he happens upon a kindly gentleman (John Wooden), a handsome prince (Pat Riley) and a cheerful leprechaun (Earvin Johnson) who accompany him along the gold-and-purple brick road, in search of his missing hook shot.

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Rated PG. Some graphic violence (games against Detroit).

“THE ADAMS FAMILY”

The madcap adventures of some of the weirdest, scariest people on ice, including the Quebec Nordiques, the Buffalo Sabres, the Hartford Whalers and other bad teams from hockey’s Adams Division, where hardly anybody has a winning record, hardly anybody has been seen on television for years and hardly anybody can name even one Nordique. Commissioner Gomez Adams, for whom this division is named, particularly enjoys games between Montreal and Quebec because everybody speaks French.

Rated R. For violence, mostly in the corners and behind the nets.

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“BEAUTY AND THE BEAST”

The Mike Tyson rape trial, a courtroom drama.

Rated X. Not sex; strictly violence.

“FOR THE BOYS”

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A documentary about former professional baseball umpire Pam Postema and a profession that she found to be open only to one gender. With Bette Midler as Pam and lots of jokes about chest protectors.

Rated PG. Some bad language, but believe it or not, boys, women can handle it.

“JFK”

The astonishing story of how the Washington Redskins won by forfeit in the first round of the NFL playoffs after their opponents, who were told to report to RFK, mistakenly ended up instead at a New York airport.

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Rated PG-13. For unnecessary roughness and occasional in-the-grasp.

“THE PRINCE OF TIDES”

A young coach takes over the University of Alabama football program, with the intent of making everybody forget Crimson Tide legend Bear Bryant. There is no happy ending.

Rated PG. Bad language. This being the South, everybody keeps droppin’ them Gs.

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“CAPE FEAR”

A player sets out to get revenge against an agent who talked him into signing with the California Angels. Starring Paul Winfield as Dave Winfield.

Rated PG-13. Not for the squeamish.

“THE LAST BOY SCOUT”

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Dale Murphy stars in a psychological thriller about a truly decent guy who wonders why his favorite baseball team finally wins a pennant the minute he leaves it.

Rated G. Colorized.

“MY GIRL”

The true story of how the father of a German tennis player continues to embarrass his daughter at tournament after tournament. With Meryl Streep as Steffi Graf, doing one of her accent things.

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Rated R. Not for children, but featuring many girls in their teens.

“BOGGSY”

The fatal-attraction love story of a Boston Red Sox infielder and a groupie. An old story, but still a good one.

Rated R. Adult themes; a considerable amount of swinging.

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“AN AMERICAN TALE: DESMOND GOES WEST”

Desmond, a cute Wolverine, comes West with his friends from Michigan to frolic in front of more than 100,000 people at the Rose Bowl, where they run into a pack of snarling Washington Huskies.

Rated G. Could be too frightening for small Midwestern children.

“STAR TREK VI: THE SEARCH FOR STANLEY”

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Captain’s log: 1991. Wayne Gretzky and all of his fellow crewmen on the Starship Inglewood continue to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no King has ever gone before--to the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. But no matter who comes aboard, they still seem to go nowhere.

Rated PG. For poor Gretzky.


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