The Super Home-Viewing Guide

Whenever I watch a Super Bowl on TV, I wish that I could be there in person. Yet whenever I actually attend a Super Bowl, I wish that I could be home watching it on TV.

Sometimes, I compromise. I invite people over to my house, then charge them $100 a head and make the women wait in line for hours outside the washroom.

For those who have never been to a Super Bowl football game, what you have missed, basically, is this:

--A chance to sit a half-mile away and see large men up close through the magic of binoculars.

(“Look, honey! It’s just like being at the game!” “That’s nice, dear. Wait a minute. We are at the game.”)

--A chance to paint your face, your wagon, your Winnebago or your bedsheets, being sure to use the call letters of whichever network is televising the game.

(Americans are big on banners. At times I imagined TV cameras at the Persian Gulf War panning to American football fans, hanging up banners reading: “Can’t Beat Schwarzkopf,” “Nothing But Courage,” “All right, Bush’s Country” or one of those really sneaky ones, like: “Concede Now Hussein.”)

--A chance to witness the spectacular halftime show, which the network often preempts in favor of the 67th, 68th and 69th replays of the first-half highlights, even if there are no first-half highlights, which often there are not.

(Usually the halftime show is something totally wholesome, featuring 20,000 teen-agers in green suspenders dancing with Disney rodents and ducks while a particularly cute Cosby kid uses an American flag for a trampoline. I understand this year’s show has Arnold Schwarzenegger singing songs from his first album of Broadway show tunes, including “Vest Zide Story,” “My Feh Lady” and “Vantom of Za Opera.”)

Too bad if you’re stuck watching TV. You could miss it.

The very first Super Bowl was played Jan. 15, 1967, although if you keep listening to these NFL people, you’ll swear that these things have been going on since Spartacus played for Peter Ustinov.

Super Bowl I was contested at the Los Angeles Coliseum, where, just before kickoff, 4,000 pigeons were uncaged to fly over the heads of 61,946 ticket-holders. Tickets were priced far more reasonably then, but think of the laundry bills run up by as many as 4,000 unlucky fans.

For those who missed Supe the First, both CBS and NBC televised the game between Green Bay and Kansas City, with combined viewer estimates ranging upward of 60 million and one-minute advertisements selling for $75,000 on NBC and $85,000 on CBS. This was back when 10 grand could have bought you Green Bay.

Today’s game, as you probably already know, will be televised to 999 countries and nine planets, including Pluto and Vulcan, with one-minute commercials selling for more money than anybody on Earth has ever seen except Steven Spielberg, evangelists and free-agent baseball players.

For those not in Minneapolis for this year’s Super Bowl, may I at least offer you:

Downey’s How-To-Watch-the-Game Home Game

Here’s how you play:

Score one point for being the first one watching the Super Bowl to hit the “MUTE” button on your remote-control at:

--Any mention of name “Lombardi.” (Two points if George Halas identified as “Papa Bear.”)

--Any mention of suspense “being so thick you could cut it with a knife.”

--Any mention of “wants this one so badly, he can taste it.”

--First sighting of bare-chested fan. (Two points if outdoors.)

--First camera angle of cheerleader where it appears camera is practically up cheerleader’s nostril.

--First time analyst disagrees with play-by-play guy. (Could be long wait.)

--Hearing anybody described with word “genius.”

--Hearing name “Duane Thomas.”

--Hearing player referred to as “this young man.”

--Every airing of Hulk Hogan underarm deodorant ad.

--First on-camera interview outside or inside stadium where fan in background holds up “We’re No. 1” finger.

--First shot of player’s wife in stands. (Two points if she is waving hand of baby in lap toward camera.)

--Reminder that “there’s still plenty of time.” (Two points if guy adds: “So don’t touch that dial.”)

--Referee’s microphone malfunction, making him sound like submarine captain or obscene phone-caller.

--Penalty that makes no sense to you until somebody else in room explains it.

--Any commercial featuring professional basketball player telling you how much it helps him to drink carbonated soda.

--Any use of “Telestrator” during which you have no idea of what the heck guy is drawing or talking about.

--Mention of player with 10 or more brothers or sisters.

--Shot of any player congratulating second player by butting him, helmet to helmet.

--Broadcaster being squirted with champagne after game.

--Questions asked of players or coaches that aren’t really questions. (“You must be thrilled.” “Great job out there.” “Coach, one of those days...”)

Add up points after Super Bowl.

Ask others in room if they would have paid $100 or more to be at game they just watched.

Keep bucket of Gatorade handy to pour over winner’s head.