Jordan Gave NBA the Air

Hey, fans, be sure to wear your Michael Jordan shirt, Michael Jordan cap, Michael Jordan shoes, Michael Jordan hose, Michael Jordan bikini briefs, Michael Jordan teddy, Michael Jordan two-way wrist radio and all your favorite National Michael Assn. merchandise to Michael’s next appearance in your neighborhood--say, Sunday’s game at the Forum between the Lakers and the Mikers.

But you’ll have to bring your own.

You won’t be able to buy it on the premises. Jordan is forbidding the NBA to peddle any more clothing bearing his likeness.

That means from now on, whenever you want to wear something with his face on it, the money will go directly into two pockets--Nike’s and Mikey’s.

So, here are your options:

--Take a blank white T-shirt and draw Jordan’s picture. Use crayons if possible. Round head, no hair. Sort of a Charlie Brown look. And be sure to get that tongue right.

--Buy a Magic Johnson or James Worthy shirt instead, then erase the hair with liquid white-out.

--Buy a Michael Jackson shirt instead. Proceeds will go toward Michael’s continuing effort to buy up the rest of the Elephant Man’s bones.

--Paint a mustache on Jordan’s face, then change the name on the shirt to read: “Michael Jerdan” or “Michael Jurdan.” This way, you beat the law. It’s like one of those bogus Rolex things that’s really a Timex.

--Wear something of Air Paxson’s.

Chicago Bull merchandise is the hottest in the NBA today. Which is pretty funny, because I can remember a time not too long ago when the Bulls were embarrassed to go out dressed as the Bulls.

Since winning the championship, Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant, Bill Cartwright, John Paxson and company have become basketball’s New Kids on the Block. Their shirts sell like hot cakes--if, in fact, people are still out there buying hot cakes. And the team itself has gone hog wild--if, indeed, hogs do still go wild.

The Bulls have been threatening to ring up the best record in NBA history. This season, they won 37 of their first 42 games. Seeing as how they went 15-2 in last season’s playoffs, this means Chicago recently went 52-7.

You read right-- fifty-two and seven.

The Harlem Globetrotters have trouble going 52-7.

I gotta tell ya, for two full seasons in the late 1970s, I covered the Chicago Bulls, and their record during that time was 61-103. The most popular property at the concession stand was an Artis Gilmore T-shirt, which sold for $9.95 and had a total sale amounting to about $19.90.

Today’s Bulls are hotter than hot. I’m surprised Jordan doesn’t throw scarfs to the women in the crowd, like Elvis.

Nevertheless, they do appear to be vulnerable. Twice during this 52-7 stretch, they lost to the Lakers on their home floor--in Game 1 of the playoffs and again earlier this season. They also were defeated at San Antonio the other night before a large crowd dressed mostly in Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood merchandise.

Sunday will mark their only appearance of the season in Inglewood--unless, you know, the Lakers go nuts in the playoffs again.

Be sure to wave to management’s private box when the Laker and Bull owners and general managers, Buss, West, Reinsdorf and Krause, sit around discussing why so many male children born in America should be named Jerry.

And, for the occasion, be sure to wear your Jordanwear.

The NBA raked in $1.1 billion last season from the sale of licensed products. Most of it, I am told, came from Chicago Bull stuff, and I can assure you that we are not talking here about a new line of Will Perdue pajamas.

Jordan is giving Nike, Inc., the exclusive rights to his kisser from now on. Nike Mikey apparently wants the right to market himself, which is as it should be, although personally I can’t wait for those personalized Wheaties boxes with pictures of Michael on every flake.

During last season’s playoffs, it was reported that one of the companies owning an NBA license to print Michael Jordan shirts happened to be a firm called “Magic Johnson’s T’s,” owned by somebody we all know and love. Should this be costing him money, I think Magic ought to attend Sunday’s game dressed in a T-shirt bearing the likeness of Scottie Pippen, if only to bust Jordan’s chops.

And I just had a thought:

What if the NBA forbids Michael Jordan to wear its merchandise? He might have to play in a Bart Simpson shirt and Bermuda shorts.

* ROCKETS DEFEAT BULLS

Hakeem Olajuwon scored 24 points and blocked Michael Jordan’s last three-point attempt in Houston’s 105-102 victory. Roundup, C6.