Parenting the American Way : Classes Help Immigrants Bridge Cultural Gap in Child-Rearing

It is the final day of their 12-week parenting class, and Martha Orozco’s students have brought their books, their practice behavior charts and their babies to the jumbled multipurpose schoolroom.

Usually about 20 Spanish-speaking mothers fill the room, but today there are only about 13. Some were too afraid to leave their homes because there had been immigration sweeps in the neighborhood the night before, Orozco said.

Orozco summarizes what they have learned in class: parental responsibilities, the value of education, expectations and realities of life in the United States, and the laws regarding child abuse.

Echoing a recurring theme of the class, Orozco--whose parents were immigrants from Mexico--says she knows that the stress on adults of adapting to life in a new country can affect their children.

Sometimes, she tells the mothers in an understanding tone, we have fights with our mates and take it out unfairly on our children. Rebecca Sierra, a mother of two who emigrated from Guanajuato, Mexico, five years ago, admits that she was rude to her 7-year-old son the day before.

“I was upset with my husband,” she says in Spanish.

“It’s not too late,” Orozco tells her. “You can say, ‘I’m sorry.’ We need to recognize our faults.”

Scenes like these are being repeated in various languages in classrooms throughout Orange County as non-English-speaking parents, often caught between traditional child-rearing practices of their homelands and the standards of the United States, are signing up for free parenting classes.

The programs are offered by school districts or by private organizations in an effort to prevent a variety of social problems: child abuse, drug abuse, gang activity and failure in school. Increasingly, parents are being targeted as the key to, or at least a crucial part of, the solution.

Sometimes, teachers refer parents to a class after identifying their children as “at risk,” showing signs of physical or emotional trouble, such as bruises, being withdrawn or missing school frequently. But in many cases, the parents hear about the classes on their own and come willingly.

“Parents are really hungry to learn,” said Guadelupe Guillen, a parent educator with Community Service Programs Inc., a private, nonprofit organization that contracts with the cities of Dana Point, San Clemente and San Juan Capistrano to provide gang prevention services.

After flyers were circulated advertising the CSP lecture, 90 parents showed up for one of the first programs in San Clemente. Another group will open in Dana Point as soon as a meeting place is located.

“They want to know what their rights are and what are their limits. Their kids come home from school and say, ‘You can’t spank me. I can call the police.’ They feel powerless. They are scared to death. They can’t do anything,” Guillen said.

Many people do not understand that parents of “at-risk” children, like any parents, want the best for their children, said Sonia Adelman, chairwoman of youth activities for the Youth Coalition, a 1-year-old community group that tries to prevent the spread of gangs and drugs in South County. “They just don’t know how to parent the American way.” Adelman, a native of Colombia, said parents can feel powerless when the child-rearing methods of their native cultures are frowned upon in their adopted homeland.

“It is culturally appropriate for Latinos to spank their children. It’s just the way we are raised,” she said. “You get up here, and all of a sudden, the only way you know how to deal with your child gets taken away. . . .

“They don’t have any other alternatives to discipline. They lose control of their kids, and there’s nothing for the kids to do that’s wholesome and healthy. So the older guys who are already in trouble are the role models.

“We have to put parents back in the driver’s seat.”

Parents’ feelings of powerlessness within the family are intensified if they do not learn English and become dependent on their children to get along, teachers said.

Many American parents often do not know the laws that pertain to their children, and newly arrived immigrant parents are no exception. To close that gap, CSP offers lectures on the ever-changing legal responsibilities of parenthood in the United States.

Many Latino parents are surprised to learn that their children can be detained for simply hanging around in groups of three or more, a popular pastime in Latin countries, said Bertha Garcia Tucker, a CSP bilingual coordinator for legal awareness workshops.

They also learn that parents can be held responsible for a child’s graffiti.

“In most of our countries,” Guillen said, “it’s not against the law.”

Many do not know the age limits regarding drinking.

“They don’t know they can get in trouble by sending their kids to the store to buy them liquor or cigarettes,” she said.

Most of the classes stress discipline techniques to replace negative labeling or physical punishment. Orozco, for example, teaches “show and tell” (“This is the consequence if this happens one more time”), “time out” (“Sit here for three minutes and think about what you did”) and “first/then” (“First you put the dishes away, then you can go out”).

She also asks the parents to look for positive behavior in their children and reward them with points on a chart. The points can then be redeemed for privileges.

Many parents come to the United States with high expectations of a promised land, but they are instead shocked by the high prices and the need for both parents to work. Sometimes, the pressures and stresses add up to greater aggression against their children.

A student in Los Ninos Bien Educados, a parent education program sponsored by the Capistrano Unified School District, Rebecca Sierra, 30, has two children, 7 and 3. She was raised in rural Mexico in a family ruled by the father, a farm worker with little money to support his 11 children. He was “very strict,” she said.

Before she took Orozco’s class, she said, she used to discipline her 7-year-old son by spanking him and yelling. Now, she said, “I speak with him a lot.”

Vietnamese parents experience similar difficulties as they adapt to American life, said Mai Nguyen, a teacher with the Coalition for Children, Adolescents & Parents, an Orange-based organization that offers parenting workshops in English, Spanish, Vietnamese and Cambodian.

“All of them say it’s very difficult to raise children here in the United States,” Nguyen said. “They say back home it’s no problem at all.

“Back home, the parent is very powerful. Some of the older brothers or sisters can represent the parent. There is no way the children can disobey. The rules and the limits are set from generation to generation.”

She said she teaches parents to set limits for curfew time, telephone time, bedtime and television time. She tells them they must communicate with their children and let children learn by experiencing the negative consequences of their actions.

Sometimes, teachers said, immigrant parents will balk at new ideas, complaining that middle-class American ways are destroying their culture.

One Latino mother, who received a pamphlet labeled “Parents Are Teachers Too,” complained about the school’s efforts to get her involved.

“In Mexico, teachers take 90% of the responsibility,” she said. “Parents only check the homework. Parents cannot be teachers. Many of us are not familiar with the language in general.”

But another mother, aghast to learn that her eighth-grade son was involved in gang-related activities, complained that the school never told her.

Nguyen said some Vietnamese parents insist that children must obey them as a non-negotiable duty.

“I say yes, you are right. But that’s a very sharp knife that will cut your hand sometime. Be careful. If you are so strict, you will lose your child. But if you are too open, you will lose too,” she said.