Kings Become a Well-Oiled Machine

Here we are in South Edmonton, Calif., hockey lovers, eagerly awaiting tonight’s Game 5 between the visiting North Edmonton Oilers and our own South Edmonton Kings.

Is it true that if the Kings win this series, they get to acquire more Oiler players for the next round of the playoffs?

I hear there are confused Canadian children who were turning to their parents during Games 1 and 2 and saying: “Mommy, Daddy . . . which team is Edmonton?”

Imagine all those poor little rink rats, having to be told to root for whichever player is wearing blue.

Saturday morning, when I spoke with Luc Robitaille upon his return home from a two-goal starring role in Friday night’s 4-3 King victory, I asked if he ever senses that his former Oiler teammates feel Edmonton tugging at their hearts.

“No, no, not at all,” Robitaille said. “If anything, I think they feel more sour toward Edmonton.

“They felt they gave all they had to Edmonton. But when it came down to reality, they rejected (Paul) Coffey, they wouldn’t sign Charlie (Huddy), they more or less threw Marty (McSorley) into a deal and everybody knows how they even traded Wayne (Gretzky).”

Still, at times it must be pretty confusing for the players.

I mean, when Gretzky, Jarri Kurri, Coffey, Huddy and McSorley leave the ice, let’s hope they go to the right locker room.

Pretty embarrassing in the showers when the Oilers find themselves saying: “Uh, Jari, Paul . . . we still appreciate you guys and everything, but your shower’s down the hall.”

I keep thinking that it still isn’t too late for the Kings to acquire Bill Ranford so they can use him in goal against Edmonton for the rest of the series.

Yo, Bill. Come on over to the other side.

Defect. Everyone else has.

True or false? Every night after practice, the Oilers are obligated to check inside their lockers to see if there’s a King jersey on the hanger.

It’s supposedly in their contracts, under: “Part II, Sub-Section B: Probability of Playing Someday for Los Angeles.”

Oh, well. The more the merrier.

Like most of you, I can remember a day when the Kings got most of their players from the Kings. You know, like Robitaille.

“Yeah, it’s funny,” Robitaille said. “Dave Taylor and I keep looking around and saying: ‘We’re the only ones left from the old days.’ ”

Now the Kings order their hockey players from Edmonton the way customers order merchandise from a Sears catalogue.

“Hello, Oilers? Rogie Vachon here. Send us one of those wings of yours. Yeah. One of the good ones.”

They started sort of an Oiler Home Shopping Network.

I have no idea why. Maybe the Kings simply want the best players boss Bruce McNall’s money can buy. Or maybe Gretzky is, you know, a lonely guy who needs his old pals around to go bowling with, or to play Trivial Pursuit. This could be one of those male bonding things you hear so much about.

Anyway, I can’t wait to see which Oiler becomes a King next.

With the playoff tied at two games apiece, this is no time for the Kings to stop scavenging from the Oiler roster. There must be somebody else on that team we can use.

Before he retires, maybe Gretzky can reassemble that entire old Edmonton team of his. Save a lot of time and money on arranging reunions.

I remember my first reaction to all those big deals by the Kings that brought them all these Oilers of old.

“Now the Kings have an All-Star team,” I said.

Someone else agreed.

And I said: “Unfortunately, it’s the 1982 All-Star team.”

Just a joke, eh?

Yet after Los Angeles continued transforming itself into South Edmonton, putting Kurri, Huddy and finally Coffey back in the Gretzky inner circle, I couldn’t help wondering where it would all end.

Like, when I read the other day that McNall intends to erect a new arena in the Forum parking lot, my first reaction is that what he really intended to do was uproot Edmonton’s arena and move it to Inglewood.

And won’t those Canadian children be surprised when even the building is gone?

For his part, Robitaille has been trying to introduce Southern California youngsters to the sport of Kings. He is part-owner of a two-month-old arena called the Iceoplex where youth programs are thriving and also has given clinics in Van Nuys for an adult league that has grown in number from 250 to 1,000.

“In Canada, when we’re kids, our parents practically force us to play hockey,” Robitaille said. “It’s every parent’s dream for their child to grow up and play hockey.”

Whereas in California, all parents need to do is adopt a child from Edmonton.

“Edmonton was my team, even living in Montreal,” Robitaille said. “When I was 14 or 15, they were the greatest hockey players in the world. And now I’m playing with them.”

Yeah, I asked, and which Oiler will become a King next?

Robitaille laughed.

“Ask Bruce,” he said.