Dear Ed McMahon (and American Family Publishers),Thank...

Dear Ed McMahon (and American Family Publishers),

Thank you for trying to find me, the missing $10-million-dollar winner at my residence, right here in Los Angeles. You’ve even spelled my name right. And if by any chance I don’t get all that loot, I can WIN! WIN! WIN! A NEW CAR! A CARIBBEAN CRUISE! CASH! CASH! CASH!

But you know what, Ed? This week, instead of indulging my passion for driving in a Cadillac Coupe de Ville with a 4.9L fuel-injected engine, electronic climate control and supple leather seating designed to cradle me in world-class comfort, I think I’d rather have a heart.

And though it really makes me nervous to think that if I return the grand-prize-winning number AFTER the GOLD SEAL date, I will be making a costly TEN-MILLION-DOLLAR MISTAKE, maybe I’ll get the courage to skip the whole thing this time. And do stuff that doesn’t call for capital letters.

Why embark on the voyage of my dreams to white-sand beaches and shimmering seas awaiting me on a seven-night dream cruise to Martinique, Barbados, Antigua and more? Those beaches and seas are right here in Los Angeles, Ed. All we need is the brainpower to make them pure and safe FOR EVERYONE.

Ed, I appreciate your invitation to enjoy MORE FUN, RELAXATION and CAREFREE GOOD TIMES bankrolled by TEN MILLION DOLLARS. But this week the offer strikes me as too risky. Also, it might distract me. This week, I want to do whatever it takes to let that well-known phoenix of justice rise from the ashes. Could be it needs unearthing, though, with a shovel and broom.

And if my brain goes lame, or my heart sinks, or my courage flags, I can visit the Beverly Hills Library to draw inspiration from an exhibit honoring the 14 Oz books by L. Frank Baum, a show that runs through May 31. The most famous one, of course, was the first one in the series: “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz,” published in 1900.

I’ll touch base with the icons of my childhood, the scarecrow and tin man and lion. And when I get greedy, I’ll remember the wizard--unmasked, in the end. Amazing to think that Baum was born in 1856, which would have made him 9 years old at the end of that other civil war. And what a hard worker he was! Under various names--and in Pasadena, for the most part--he wrote 33 other books.

The exhibit is throughout the library, which is open Monday to Thursday 10 a.m. to 9 p.m., Friday and Saturday 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., and Sunday noon to 5 p.m. Further information is available at (310) 288-2201.