Confessions of a Chile-Head

The reason I have to eat another pepper, despite the acute pain I know it will cause, has nothing to do with my preferences in seasonings. It has nothing to do with my culinary theories. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the infernal desert climate where I live. I have to eat another jalapeno because I am hopelessly strung out on the mind-numbing rush of endorphins that floods my brain whenever the exquisite pepper pain begins.

Yes, endorphins: Those natural drugs that are a thousand times more powerful than morphine. They are addictive. And like airplane glue, they are cheap and easy to come by.

In a series of experiments in the New Mexico desert, clinical psychologists have proven that pepper-induced endorphin highs are addictive. Scientists also tell us that like cocaine, marijuana and coffee, peppers are psychotropics (i.e. mind-altering substances).

Do you doubt it? Then I invite you to join me in an experiment. Place a large fresh hot pepper pod on your tongue--seeds, stems and all--and chew vigorously. Now let’s record, as clinically as possible, the sensations and physical changes.

First you taste the pepper. Then you feel an acrid vapor rising through your sinuses. Your tongue is shot through with intense pain.

Keep chewing. After about 10 seconds, you have chewed the pepper thoroughly; your nose is running and your scalp is sweating, but you don’t really notice because the pain receptors in your tongue, palate, sinuses, throat and lips are all screaming in unison and overriding your other perceptions. The brain is now receiving massive damage reports, the neural data suggesting that you either have swallowed molten metal or your head is being ripped off. The primal pain glands resound with a massive dose of endorphins.

Now the fun begins. A rush as strong as an acid flashback knocks out your vision. Shooting stars, flashing lights; that old familiar “I hate space travel” feeling swamps your senses and sends you reeling. (Did I suggest that you should be sitting down when you try this? Oh well, if you weren’t before, you are now.)

Once you have finished chewing and swallowing, an involuntary hiccup reaction begins as the pain rolls down your esophagus. Sweat is pouring off your neck and forehead. Your body is running amok and you don’t even notice because you are too busy watching the fireworks on your eyelids. So what do you think--was your mind altered?

When the rush subsides, only the pain remains. But the pain, as every “chile-head” knows, is just a chemical trick. Although your brain believes you are chewing a mouthful of razor blades, the sensations are only a gastronomic hallucination induced by capsaicin and other alkaloids that are the active agents of “chile pain.” You can’t damage yourself with chiles unless you have an ulcer, and even then it is the stimulation of your gastric juices and not the chiles that do the damage.

No, you can’t burn your taste buds or blister your lips. Inner space explorers at Waco’s Baylor University medical school have even induced subjects to swallow tiny TV cameras to prove that chiles don’t cause heartburn either. As frightening as the pain they cause can get, the little pods are pretty harmless.

Hard to believe, isn’t it? But gather your wits together and examine your still-sizzling tongue in the bathroom mirror. It looks normal, right? Towel off the top of your soaking wet head while you’re in there, grab a few tissues for the running nose and everything’s back on track.

Now you realize that eating a nickel’s worth of peppers just gave you the roller coaster ride of your life. So you reach for some more and start the perverse pleasure trip all over again. You’re a mouth surfer now, a genuine addict.

The addiction is 10,000 years old. Researchers tell us that the cavemen of Central and South America ate chile pods too, and all the wild chiles are fiercely hot. In the span of so many centuries, imagine how many recipes have come along and been forgotten.

What goes around comes around. A couple of archeologists recently analyzed the dregs found in an ancient Mayan ceremonial chalice and discovered that it contained the remains of a chocolate and chile drink that was still being imbibed at the turn of the century.

And now this wonderfully bizarre combination is starting to make a comeback. In Oregon they’re making “Mayan Gold chocolate-salsa truffles.” In Texas, jalapeno brownies are all the rage. And in Manhattan you can eat ancho chile-flavored chocolate cake at upscale Mexican restaurants. And now, in California, you can make these dishes in your own home.

Chef Frank Khachi concocted grape-habanero topping to serve over a handmade pineapple parfait, but it’s great served over plain ice cream such as chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. Add the sauce to the ice cream just before serving.

Chiles vary widely in their level of heat, but they become milder as they are cooked. If you’re cooking for total sissies, try this with only one pepper. If you already have a serious pepper habit, better increase the dosage to three or four.

FRANK KHACHI’S MIND-ALTERING ICE CREAM SAUCE

1/4 cup butter

2 cups seedless green grapes, split in halves

2 habanero, jalapeno or serrano chiles, minced

3 tablespoons rum

1 tablespoon honey

1/4 teaspoon vanilla

Dash ground nutmeg

Dash ground cinnamon

Melt butter in small omelet pan. Add grapes and saute 3 minutes. Add minced chiles and rum. Saute 1 more minute, then flambe by carefully tilting pan into gas flame until pan flames up or by holding match over evaporating alcohol. When flames subside, add honey, vanilla, nutmeg and cinnamon. Cook 3 minutes more, stirring frequently. Makes about 1 1/3 cups, 4 servings.

Each serving contains about:

180 calories; 120 mg sodium; 31 mg cholesterol; 12 grams fat; 14 grams carbohydrates; 1 gram protein; 0.76 gram fiber.

A dozen sounds like a lot of chiles, but they lose their pungency and gain a more mellow flavor when cooked. I sneakily feed these to my children in order to increase their pepper tolerance. They hate hot sauce, but they love these!

MOE’S CAFE JALAPENO BROWNIES

1/2 cup butter

2/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips

4 eggs

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/4 cups flour

3/4 cup chopped nuts

12 large jalapeno chiles, chopped and seeded

Melt butter and chocolate chips in top of double boiler over hot water. Cool to warm.

In large mixer bowl, beat eggs with salt until foamy. Slowly beat in sugar until well blended. Beat in vanilla. Remove mixer from bowl.

With wooden spoon, stir in melted chocolate mixture, then flour and finally chopped nuts and jalapenos. Pour into buttered 13x9-inch baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees 25 to 30 minutes or until top crust cracks. Cool before cutting into bars. Serve plain or with ice cream. Makes 32 servings.

Each serving contains about:

145 calories; 76 mg sodium; 34 mg cholesterol; 6 grams fat; 19 grams carbohydrates; 2 grams protein; 0.34 gram fiber.

This pie isn’t very hot, but the flavor of the chiles adds real flavor to the chocolate. Try it with pasillas if you want to warm it up some.

ZE TEJAS GRILL’S ANCHO-CHOCOLATE PIE

2 ancho chiles

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

1/2 cup chopped pecans

2 eggs

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar, packed

1/2 cup flour

1 cup butter, melted

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 unbaked (9-inch) pie shell

Remove seeds and stems from anchos and simmer in little water until tender. Puree in blender or food processor until smooth (if necessary, add small amount cooking liquid for smoother puree). Lightly toast walnuts and pecans and set aside.

Beat eggs in bowl. Add sugar, brown sugar and flour, beating until smooth. Add butter, toasted nuts, chile puree and chocolate chips and mix well. (Butter should be warm enough to slightly melt chips.)

Pour filling into pastry shell and bake at 325 degrees 35 to 45 minutes. Makes 8 servings.

Each serving contains about:

764 calories; 333 mg sodium; 115 mg cholesterol; 53 grams fat; 54 grams carbohydrates; 7 grams protein; 0.76 gram fiber.