This Is Why They Call It Sport of ‘90s
Fifty reasons to be happy about 1994 World Cup soccer games being played at the Rose Bowl:
1. Beats sitting around waiting for earth to quake.
2. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a really good Argentina game.
3. Chance of halftime entertainment on sax by President Clinton.
4. Can’t wait to see USA’s Dream Team kick hell out of Trinidad and Tobago.
5. Smog should offset European cigarette smokers.
6. No need to invite Big Ten.
7. Quayle at Mexico game: “No, I’m pretty sure it’s M-E-X-I-C-O-E.”
8. Glendale tourism boon.
9. Possibility of organizing the first Tournament of Hooligans parade.
10. If you think Little Old Lady From Pasadena was “terror of Colorado Boulevard,” wait until British soccer fans hit town.
11. In tribute to neighboring Dodgers, players will be unable to use hands.
12. Amusing confusion when tourists request tickets for “Arsenio” or “Leno,” mistaking them for soccer players.
13. Thanks to pay-per-view, you won’t have to miss one minute of Cameroon soccer excitement.
14. No Bud Bowl.
15. Since clock is kept by referee and not on scoreboard, California spectators will have no idea when to leave early.
16. Vegas odds of 8-5 on West Germany not repeating.
17. Nothing like a scoreless tie to chase away those summertime blues.
18. Perfect timing for summer of ’94 release of Madonna-Geena Davis soccer movie.
19. International TV audience of 1 billion could be ideal for network to plug that night’s episode of “Love Connection” or “Studs.”
20. Pavarotti national anthem duet with Paula Abdul remains a distinct possibility.
21. Maradona expected to agree to Reebok’s big “Dan & Diego” campaign.
22. Saddam Hussein could show up at Iraq game, maybe even do wave.
23. Little old ladies from Pasadena might actually look forward to being pinched by visiting Italians.
24. Governor gets to kick out first ball, or maybe butt it with skull.
25. Plenty of convenient freeway access after stadium stampede.
26. Viewing scoreless tie at Rose Bowl no worse than viewing Oregon or Oregon State.
27. Highlights of goals scored shouldn’t take up much time on evening news.
28. Herschel Walker toying with idea of joining U.S. team after bobsled in Norway.
29. Hooligans who mess with L.A. cops could be taught valuable lesson.
30. Something to see on TV that summer besides watching Monica Seles grunt.
31. As game-delay tactic, American players are being taught to say: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
32. World Cup should be every bit as thrilling as 1984 L.A. Olympics, except without the canoe races.
33. Winners get to say, “We’re going to Disneyland,” then actually go.
34. Japan’s team about to be bought by some guy from Seattle.
35. Rare chance for many Americans to see soccer played outdoors.
36. Quincy Jones, Springsteen and Dylan already in studio, recording “We Are the World Cup” video.
37. Imagine, 100,000 fans in stands doing tomahawk chop.
38. American team will be first in history to make goaltender wear mask.
39. Slam-dunk contest pretty much open to everybody.
40. Tim Leary teaching USA players how to doctor the ball.
41. Belgium’s games will be big thrill for Belgian-Americans.
42. Oldest team in tournament is scheduled to take on Evander Holyfield six months later.
43. For some reason, Colombia’s team will be particularly popular at Hollywood parties.
44. Corner kicks are second in excitement only to inside-the-park home runs.
45. Ireland youths have seen Tom Cruise’s movie, will come here expecting another land rush.
46. Instant replay experiment will verify that player really was kicked illegally in groin.
47. Chinese players will visit Chinatown, Korean players will visit Koreatown and Bosnia-Herzegovina players will visit Bosnia-Herzegovinatown.
48. By 1994, kids all across America will be collecting those valuable soccer trading cards.
49. Peter Ueberroth has volunteered to coordinate fund-raising for “Rebuild Pasadena.”
50. Soccer fever. Catch it.
