The Male Search for Inner Self

The men’s movement has many reputations: as self-indulgent pop psychology trend; as inevitable backlash to the women’s movement; as an evolving mass male consciousness. In theory, the men’s movement is a broad-based collective soul searching, with separate mytho-poetic, political, and even feminist aspects. In the minds of much of the public, it’s a silly excuse for men to fork over $500 for weekends in the woods, searching for the wild buried within.

But in North County, it seems to be more about the basic need for good conversation than anything else.

There are at least a half dozen men’s support groups already meeting in the area, and more are forming. These groups are usually run by a therapist, and include 6 to 12 men who have made the commitment to meet once a week for about two hours, to simply talk. Proponents say these small groups--the “cells” of the movement--are part of a grass-roots phenomenon that will eventually lead to real, lasting change in men’s lives, and thus the lives of women and children.

But right now, for those involved, it’s a chance to be heard, and to listen to what other men have to say about various issues, including gender, power, violence, family and fatherhood, work, the environment, and most importantly, their own feelings--in short, all the things many males are famous for not talking about.

It seems on the surface almost too simple. What’s new about people getting together and talking? But the men who run the groups say the structured sharing they provide is something that’s sorely needed today. Without the sort of support these groups provide, many men are unlikely to explore issues other than sports and politics, or to make genuine connections with other men. Belonging to a non-critical group gives each member the chance to be accepted, without having to perform in any prescribed way. Participants keep coming back in high ratios, so apparently they think the group meetings are worthwhile, say the leaders.

Some North County men’s groups are reluctant or unwilling to open themselves up to new members. Others are actively recruiting. Men who are currently leading groups in North County, and who can facilitate the formation of new groups include the following:

Jan Berlin

Del Mar, 755-3795 Clinical psychologist Jan Berlin leads a group of 12 men that has been meeting outdoors once a week in Vista for the past several months. Bringing a unique perspective to this group is the presence of Silver Raven Coyote, a 70-year-old Shoshone-Blackfoot Indian. The Shoshone consider themselves caretakers of the earth, and it’s their legacy to pass along a greater environmental awareness, said Berlin. Raven contributes to the group with his knowledge of Indian myths and legends, and he also consults his own spirit guides.

Each session begins with a smudging ceremony, in which the men pass a branch of burning sage and waft it around themselves. The ceremony is designed to “cleanse the field,” to get the men beyond everyday life, and into more of a neutral space, said Berlin. With an abalone shell used as an ashtray, the ritual symbolizes the four basic elements: the earth is represented by the sage; air by the smoke; water by the abalone shell; and fire by the burning of the sage.

“It helps eliminate the boundaries, and the competitiveness and defensiveness that often marks relationships between men,” Berlin said. A stick is also passed around the circle--in the direction the sun moves--giving each participant an equal opportunity to talk.

“We don’t get lost in anybody’s agenda,” said Berlin. “There’s no challenging or questioning, we are just letting each other be. We’re creating our own sense of tribal awareness.”

The presence of a Native American gives the group a valuable perspective on the environment, said Berlin.

“The native people . . . were here for 20,000 years, and they didn’t do anywhere near the damage we’ve done in just 200 years.”

Until three months ago, Berlin led his group in Solana Beach. Now they meet in a wooded area on property in Vista, where Raven recently built a sweat lodge. Situated in a brushy thicket near a willow and an oak tree, Raven’s lodge is similar to the structures that American Indians have constructed for centuries, he said. The frame is made of 16 willow branches and covered with blankets and animal pelts.

The lodge symbolizes “the womb of the earth mother,” said Raven. Outside of the lodge there’s a large fire pit, and inside, there’s a round, two-foot deep pit in the middle, where 28 red-hot volcanic rocks are dropped, one by one, in the ritual Indian purification ceremony.

Up to 14 people take part in the purification. During the four rounds of the ceremony, water and herbs are thrown on the rocks until the inside of the lodge becomes a steamy, fragrant sauna. In each round, participants talk about spiritual issues in their lives and the world, with guidance from the leader of the sweat.

“People get rid of things they’re carrying around,” said Raven. “A lot of people are doing things they don’t want to do. Sometimes people come out of the purification and tell their boss they don’t want their jobs anymore.” He laughs. “I always tell them to make sure they have another one first.”

People who participate in the purification ceremony often leave trinkets or small stones outside the lodge to stay connected to the energy of the sweat, said Raven. There are all-men sweats, all-women sweats, mixed men and women sweats, and family sweats. A primary goal of the ceremony is to help people feel more connected to the earth.

“We can’t ever become Indians,” Berlin said. “But we want to become earth people and learn to protect the land.”

Robert Burgess

Solana Beach, 259-5212 A specialist in developmental psychology, Robert Burgess figures that on a developmental scale, the men’s movement is in its infancy--and that’s why it’s still widely misunderstood.

Support groups like the one he is starting encourage positive interaction among men, said the Solana Beach marriage and family counselor. For men, learning to accept themselves and become more giving are proactive steps, which should not be threatening to women or the interests of feminism.

“I don’t see it in contrast or opposition to that at all,” he said. “I see men trying to redefine themselves as sons, husbands, lovers and so on, just as women have. I would ask people to see it as parallel or complementary (to feminism.)”

A veteran who has worked through his own Vietnam experience, Burgess thinks many men are seeking a kind of acceptance that goes beyond having to prove themselves. He sees men who have friendships, but few that have intimate relationships with their friends.

“Many men are not used to feeling closeness or softness,” he said. “They can’t be close and competitive at the same time, and maybe they’re afraid of homosexuality.”

Actually, learning to talk about their feelings can help men develop a new kind of relationship with women, he said.

“Typically men are afraid of being trapped, and women are afraid of being abandoned,” he said. In a support group, men can begin to think about more than just getting their own needs satisfied, and consider entering more reciprocal relationships with the women in their lives.

Warren Farrell

The Learning Annex, 544-9700 Leucadian Warren Farrell has been called “the Gloria Steinem of men’s liberation.” His books include “Why Men Are the Way They Are,” and “The Liberated Man.” Farrell claims to have started more than 1,000 men’s groups since 1969, and although he’s currently on deadline on another book, he’s also formed a new group through the Learning Annex.

Farrell prefers to start a men’s group and a women’s group simultaneously, have them meet separately for three months, then meet together every other week. What typically happens, said Farrell, is that both men and women learn there are big differences between the ways they behave when they’re with members of their own sex, and when they are with the opposite sex.

“It gives each group the chance to see how they present different versions of the world, and sometimes it helps people see the things they do that bring about the behaviors in the opposite sex that they complain about,” he said. “It’s a more effective and objective support group.”

For men, just beginning to express their feelings can be a major achievement.

Talking with other men about feelings is a foreign experience for most men today, but Farrell and others believe it’s a healthy step that can help men become more accepting of their vulnerability, and ultimately help them build better relationships.

“Men tend to put all their emotional eggs in the basket of women, which becomes a burden for the woman, who has a relatively minimal understanding of men--just as he has a minimal understanding of her,” he said.

Steven Goldstein

Escondido, 746-0781 Psychologist Steve Goldstein has participated in a men’s group of psychologists, and recently started his own group, which has eight members.

Men are trained to be competitive, and are often that way even in their personal relationships, said Goldstein. Meeting in a group can give them the opportunity to discover a new dimension of friendship--and of themselves.

“While many men feel they have good friends, they can’t get intimate,” said Goldstein. “There’s a feeling that it always has to be activity-bound. They have to play tennis or go fishing or bowling or something.”

Men are raised to hold their feelings in, and there’s a physical toll for that, he said, citing the fact that women generally live longer than men. While some of the men in his group have been very successful materially, they are looking for something else, he said. He sees a change coming in the 1990s, from materialism toward spiritual and creative aspects that have been neglected by traditional masculinity. The change won’t happen overnight, but men’s support groups can, at least, get the ball rolling.

“I’m a realist,” said Goldstein. “I don’t think I’m going to really change society, but I want to let someone open up and say ‘This is me,’ and do that in a safe and comfortable environment.”

He thinks North County is receptive to the idea of men’s support groups.

“Escondido is pretty conservative,” said Goldstein. “It takes things a while to get here, but once they get here, they really start rolling, and I think this is really going to take off.

Otis Johnson

Temecula, (714) 929-5270 Therapist Otis Johnson has been running a monthly men’s gathering called Warriors of the Heart for about a year. From 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. on the first Saturday of every month, about a dozen men meet to play musical instruments, recite poetry and talk. Meetings always have a focus, such as father-son issues or healing the inner child.

“We talk about career, and family and identity,” said Johnson. “The guys get a lot questions answered that they have no where else to talk about.”

Some weeks the group meets outside to build a fire and do some drumming, or to pursue other activities, like renting a boat and sailing over to Catalina, he said. The group includes several men from the Fallbrook area.

“Everyone’s welcome,” said Johnson.

Bo Milosevic

Encinitas , 942-1898

Bo Milosevic leads a group that has been meeting for two hours every Thursday night in Encinitas since last fall. Typically the men drum together for 20 minutes, read from Robert Bly’s “Iron John,” then talk about issues in their lives. The drumming helps the men distance themselves from the concerns of their workday world and get to deeper issues, said Milosevic.

“Drumming in a group is a metaphor for living life,” he said. “It’s real simple, we start with a basic beat, and within that there’s a chance to express yourself individually, but at the same time go with the flow and stay with the group as a whole.”

The nine members of the group range in age from their mid-20s to mid-60s, said Milosevic. He also recently led a retreat in Julian, and is planning at least one more for this summer.

Paul Pinegar

Encinitas and La Jolla , 452-2500

“Men have a need to learn to talk about other things besides sports, women and business,” said Encinitas resident Paul Pinegar, chairman of the Men’s Task Force of the San Diego Psychological Assn. “Most men’s relationships are built on commerce--making money or making women.”

Pinegar has worked in men’s issues for many years, and has organized a men’s group of psychologists, who met and talked about issues so they would have a better understanding for their own groups. Pinegar also runs groups and periodically has openings. He perceives that many men are lonely, and are missing a sense of community in their lives.

“Men are hungry right now, they’re looking for connections, and I think that’s healthy,” he said. When men start to talk and address some of the concerns they share, they begin to see options for themselves that they might not have considered before.

“If we do that, we’re less likely to do harm to others,” said Pinegar. He adds that the movement is not likely to fizzle out soon.

“I see it growing more and more. I see a lot of men looking now.”

Richard Smith

San Marcos , 726-7016 Richard Smith is a minister and a therapist who has helped organize several gatherings for men at Mira Costa College.

“There are many men’s movements, there isn’t one,” said Smith. “But something’s going on, we’re re-identifying the masculine. The question is, if I’m not John Wayne, and if I’m not who my wife wants me to be--then who am I?”

Individually, many men are searching for an identity that goes beyond vocation, he said. Searching for that identity requires profound honesty--perhaps more than many men can muster on their own--and that’s why a support group can be helpful, he said.