How to Stay Tuned in to the Pennant Race

We come to you this morning with the Padre TripleCast, a multidimensional, channel-flipping look at the local heroes and the world around them.

What’s more, you won’t have to lose a wink of sleep because nothing will be happening at 2 a.m., unless Tony Gwynn is up watching the basketball on that other TripleCast. That one costs something like $29.95 a day for all you can swallow . . . or, more likely, enough to give you a gold medal in Olympic indigestion.

On this TripleCast, you get my nickel’s worth for a mere 35 cents. Hey, gas isn’t 26 cents a gallon either. Besides, I’m writing about guys who get $3 million a year for child’s play.

So we abandon NBC’s untimely, but free, Olympic coverage and NBC’s untimely, but time-consuming, commercials and go live to San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium for Tuesday night’s game between the Padres and the Cincinnati Reds.

Sorry, Cincy, we have no Red Channel on this TripleCast.

We have.. . . roll the drums. . . . a Blue Channel, an Orange Channel and a White Channel. You get game information on Blue, background on Orange and other stuff happening on White.

Flip to White, for example.

Houston is ahead of Atlanta, 4-1, in the sixth inning. This is important because it appears that a pennant race is breaking out hereabouts. A Brave loss and a Padre win would close the Padres’ deficit to four games.

Flip to Orange.

The Padres play four games in Los Angeles beginning Thursday. According to the media notes, the Dodgers are starting the same pitcher in all four games. His name is Undecided. He’s probably a cousin of that guy called Player to be Named Later who has been traded more often than Kevin Mitchell.

Back to White.

Braves cut it to 4-2. Look out.

Back to Orange.

(It helps if you have remote.)

Padre pitchers have given up only one run in 27 innings during a three-game winning streak. If they can just keep going at that pace, there won’t be a pennant race. The Padres will be runaway winners. Of course, to keep going at that pace, the staff would have to give up only 20 or 21 runs over the last 62 games.

Flip to Blue.

The game is on and the Padres have discovered that a black hole exists in the 90-foot stretch between first and second. Two of them disappear there in the very first inning. They end the inning with no runs, two hits and no one left on base. They must take efficiency lessons from the government.

Flip to White.

Houston’s pouring it on now, leading 7-2 in the ninth.

Flip to Blue.

Cincinnati scores two runs on one hit, Joe Oliver’s home run, in the second to take a 2-0 lead. It’s not as much fun watching the scoreboard when the home side is behind.

Flip to White.

The Chicago Cubs have recalled Heathcliff Slocumb, who is either a pitcher or a comic strip.

Flip to Blue.

Cincinnati’s Cesar Hernandez is caught stealing, 1-3-6-1-4-6, reminding me to pick up a lottery ticket this morning.

Back to Orange.

The Padres’ Nos. 5 through 8 hitters have batted .333 and driven in all the team’s runs in the last four games. Has there ever been a singing group called The Four Bottoms?

Flip to White.

The line is longer at the fish taco stand on the plaza level than it is for beer on the loge level. These people all miss some action, at least on the scoreboard. Atlanta scores three in the bottom of the ninth, but falls short, 7-5.

Flip to Blue.

Jim (The Interminable) Deshaies is pitching for the Padres. I’m almost ready to go home and watch some of the swimming between commercials.

Back to Orange.

The Padres would lead the 1993 NL West by six games if Commissioner Vincent can successfully appeal a Chicago court’s decision that Chicago is east of Atlanta.

Blue.

While you were away, Fred McGriff doubles and Benito Santiago singles him home. You flip, you miss.

Don’t forget White.

In the parking lot west of the stadium, I see four cars with their parking lights on and two more with headlights aglow. With Deshaies pitching, we’re talking dead batteries.

Back to Blue.

Whoops. Bad timing. You have switched just in time to see Tim Teufel throw the ball over McGriff’s head and McGriff throw that very same ball into the Reds’ dugout. These errors enable Freddie Benavides, who will not be seen sprinting on the Olympic TripleCast, to score from first base. There haven’t been so many incomplete passes in the stadium since Billy Joe Tolliver left.

Flip to White.

The crowd does the stupid wave. These people probably wear leisure suits, drive cars with tail fins and wonder what ever happened to Ed Sullivan.

Check Blue one last time.

The Reds bring in Norm Charlton to protect a 3-1 lead in the eighth.

Flip it off. Good night.

There you have it. You probably got all you needed and maybe more than you wanted, just like on that other TripleCast. But this one’s cheaper.

Right?