Puh-leeze! Pull the Sheet Over ‘Buddies’

Flash back.

There was “Astro Boy.” And “The Amazing Polgar.” And “Biff Baker, USA.” And “Don’t Call Me Charlie.” And “Okay Mother,” “My Mother the Car,” “My Son Jeep,” “Doc Corkle,” “Tell Me, Dr. Brothers,” “Manimal” and “Finder of Lost Loves.”

There was “Hotel De Paree,” whose tough guy wore a hat adorned by shiny discs that temporarily blinded his foes. And “The Immortal,” whose hero was pursued for his blood, which contained antibodies giving eternal life.

Television’s list of stupefyingly dumb series is almost endless.

But now. . . .

If you’re one of those people who think that it’s Cary who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb. . . .

If you wear loafers because you never got the hang of tying shoelaces. . . .

If you loved “The Newlywed Game” but couldn’t handle the erudite talk and big words. . . .

Has KCOP-TV Channel 13 got a show for you.

At 7:30 weeknights--as part of the waxy yellow buildup of gratuitous grime in kiddie-accessible “prime access”--you can now watch “three couples find out how well they know the people they’re in bed with.” Yes, of course, you’re on the edge of your seat with anticipation.

No wonder it’s getting harder and harder to defend television from its smut-sniffing critics who want to reduce it to gruel. Despite its stab at titillation, this new show is not sexy or erotic. In fact, fill the brain of “The Newlywed Game” with readings from public toilets and you pretty much have the syndicated “Bedroom Buddies,” which replaces reruns of “Night Court” on Channel 13 and is the latest from “Studs” producer Howard Schultz. Sample dialogue:

“Were your breasts foul?”

“There’s nothing chicken about these breasts.”

Studio audience: Woo woo.

The three couples competing on “Bedroom Buddies” can be dating, living together or, if they’re really outrageous and zooming down the fast lane, actually married. On Monday’s premiere, couple No. 1 had been dating for two years, couple No. 2 living together for a year and No. 3 married less than 10 months.

Each person is read an incomplete, provocative statement by studious-looking host Bobby Rivers and asked to decide which of three phrases added to the original statement has “been spoken by your mates.” On Monday, for example, there was this:

“I get crazier than a cat on a hot tin roof when I see my big daddy’s: (1) lickable six-pack, (2) bouncing baby bubble butt or (3) long, thick digits.”

Yes, pretty bright stuff. And if you’re suspicious of this being at least partially scripted, you may be right. In small-print closing credits--which pass so fast that they can be read only if they’re videotaped and put on “pause”--viewers are informed that phrases attributed to contestants “may have been paraphrased or edited by the producers.” And possibly even totally fabricated? Nahhhhh.

Each time a couple scores a matching phrase, they are awarded a pillow, and the couple with the most pillows at the end of the hour is declared “best buddies” and win the grand prize. How grand?

Rivers: “We’ll help send you on a bedroom fantasy where you’ll be steaming up the sheets in style.”

Well, not too much style.

In that same show-ending small print that passes in a millisecond, you’re informed that winners get only “a cash contribution towards their trip. All costs for the actual trip are the winner’s responsibility.” For all we know, the payoff could be $5 for a red cap.

Not that these monetary limits seemed to inhibit couple No. 1, who fell on the couch and began pawing and crawling all over each other after the female mate, who is 19, won the game by correctly guessing that her 23-year-old boyfriend’s idea of a “bedroom fantasy” was “bouncing on the bedsprings in Bali.” Maybe they were so demonstrative because they thought they could keep the pillows.

The other “bedroom fantasy” choices, by the way, were “Fluffing the Futon in Fiji” and “Taking a tumble in Tahiti.”

Intelligence and responsibility are taking a tumble on TV. It’s one thing to be dumb and benign, another to be dumb and potentially destructive.

What’s amazing--and depressing--is that a show this repulsive and lowbrow can be conceptualized in the first place and then sold in advance to enough stations to earn it a spot on the airwaves, however temporary. Just like the Fox-syndicated “Studs,” its sexual free-spiritedness is out of sync with the grimness of the times. Even though some of its couples may be married or in long-term relationships, its double-entendres still cheapen and trivialize sex in an era where promiscuity can kill. At the very least, here is a show that cries out for condom commercials.

Not that “Bedroom Buddies” doesn’t comprehend the high stakes. No sir. “Play it safe with your bedroom buddy,” Rivers glibly spat out as part of his Monday sign-off that was almost drowned by the euphoria on stage and in the studio audience.

Play it safer and don’t watch.