These Victories Leave Them at a Loss

THE COLLEGES

It was the darkest day in Bottom Ten history, surpassing even the Saturday when Northwestern ended its 34-game losing streak.

This time, five winless Bottom Ten members--including the No. 1-ranked triumvirate from the Big Ten--shocked the nation by triumphing. And a sixth team, Navy, actually scored. That’s something the Middies (0-4) had neglected to do in their first three appearances.

With the victorious members receiving automatic one-week suspensions, Bottom Ten judges were so strapped for recruits that they indulged in some creative bookkeeping (see No. 10). They did manage to find a decent, new No. 1, South Carolina (0-5), followed by No. 2 University of Texas at El Deflected Paso.

Previous plans to award Navy No. 1 were canceled by frightened selectors after Middie linebacker Javier Zuluaga was quoted as saying: “It’s like, you have so much anger on your head you let loose. We’re going to explode on somebody soon.”

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The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. South Carolina (0-5) 7-48, Alabama Idle 2. UTEP (0-4) 22-28, Air Force Colorado State 3. Arkansas (1-4) 3-27, Georgia Tennessee 4. LSU (1-4) 0-20, Tennessee Florida 5. Arizona State (1-3) 20-30, Oregon Pacific 6. Iowa (1-4) 28-52, Michigan Wisconsin 7. Louisville (1-4) 9-15, Syracuse Virginia Tech 8. Florida (1-2)* 6-30, Miss State LSU 9. Brown (0-3)** 6-51, Bill & Mary Princeton 10. Notre Dame (0-1)*** 16-33, Stanford Pitt

11. Pitt (2-3); 12. Oregon State (1-3-1); 13. New Mexico (1-4); 14. Purdue (1-3); 15.-18. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, Virginia Military Institute (6-11); 19. Idle; 20. UCLA’s meaningless 243-game scoring streak.

Others receiving votes: Moscow Bears, a visiting Soviet team, lost its opener to Central Florida, 6-43.

*But the Florida women’s volleyball team is ranked ninth best in the nation.

**The university; not Simon Brown, the boxer who dropped out of a junior-middleweight title fight because of chest pains.

***Winless in month of October.

The other ridiculous football rankings: USA Today rates Iowa (1-4) the 35th best team in the nation this week.

Lowsman Trophy Watch (featuring most overrated Heisman candidates): Notre Dame quarterback Rick Mirer completed 13 of 38 passes for 195 yards in loss to Stanford.

Crummy Game of the Week: Florida (1-2) vs. LSU (1-4).

Dishonorable Mention: UCLA, camped on Arizona’s one-yard line, went for a field goal with 1:21 left to preserve its scoring streak of 243 games. It wasn’t quite enough to prevent a 3-23 loss, though.

THE PROS

It was nicknamed the Doughnut Bowl--featuring the crumb variety (New England) and the plain (Jets) of winless teams.

The Patsies managed to outblunder the Jets, 21-30, and run their record to 0-4, preserving their dream of becoming the first NFL member to go 0-16.

But, as in the college division, the Bottom Ten pros were rocked by victories from unexpected sources over the weekend, including the Raiders, San Diego Chargers and Phoenix Cardinals.

The Raiders’ triumph (over the coach-less Giants) had been expected after panicky owner Al Davis unveiled a revised team motto: “Just win one , baby.”

* The rankings:

BOTTOM FIVE SNACK PACK

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1.New England (0-4) 21-30, Jets San Francisco 2. Chicago (2-3) 20-21, Minnesota Cooling off 3. Seattle (1-4) 6-17, San Diego Dallas 4. Detroit (1-4) 7-13, New Orleans Healing 5. Giants (1-3) 10-13, Raiders Phoenix

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SUPER BOWL CHUMPS

Following Champ, Year Record Year 1.San Francisco, 1981 13-3 3-6** 2. N.J. Giants, 1986 14-2 6-9* 3. Oakland, 1980 11-5 7-9 4. Washington, 1987 11-4 7-9 5. Bay (Green), 1967 9-4 6-7-1 6. N.J. Giants, 1990 13-3 8-8 7. Washington, 1991 14-2 2-2

*Biggest flopperoos of defending Super Bowl champions.

**Strike-shortened season.

Something for the Patriots to cheer about: New England’s cheerleaders this week became NFL’s first squad of pompon girls to take a drug test. (All passed; how dare you ask!)

We’re not making this up: After another third-quarter letdown, Tampa Bay Coach Sam Wyche said the team would include halftimes in practice sessions this week: “We’ll have the stools set up and the coaches will talk about . . . what we’re going to do when we go back out there.” Oh, Sam, Sam, Sam.

Fashion champs: The Washington Post notes that Phoenix’s media guide lists this among the accomplishments of General Manager Larry Wilson: “He also instigated the Cardinals’ change to red pants in 1990.”