FINAL REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : To Be Frank, It Was Nice

S: QUARTERBACKS

Goods news: Stan Humphries is selected MVP. Bad news: He goes on banquet circuit. In cost-cutting move, Padres release starter Bruce Hurst and sign reliever Bob Gagliano.

U: RUNNING BACKS

Ronnie Harmon puts Chargers on Monday Night Football next year almost as often as Murphy Brown. Bobby Beathard trades Eric Moten, drafts Marshall Faulk.

P: RECEIVERS

Shawn Jefferson appears on box of Wheaties catching the football. The mistake is quickly spotted, the boxes pulled from the shelves, and they become a collector’s item.

E: OFFENSIVE LINE

NBC cameras move in for close-up as happy-sounding announcer asks: “And what are you going to do, Carl, now that you’ve won the Super Bowl?” Quackmaster Mauck’s reply: “I damn sure ain’t going to Disneyland.”

R: DEFENSIVE LINE

In a 60-minute special airing immediately after the Super Bowl, Barbara Walters interviews Boris Yeltsin, General Colin Powell, Mother Theresa and Chris Mims.

B: LINEBACKERS

President-elect Clinton, an Arkansas resident just like Leslie O’Neal and Billy Ray Smith, invites Billy Ray Smith to the White House.

O: DEFENSIVE BACKS

Donald Frank announces retirement to pursue career in journalism, and The Los Angeles Times immediately indicates an interest in having him cover the Rams.

W: SPECIAL TEAMS

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen and NBC’s Will McDonough broadcast conflicting reports after Super Bowl. Mortensen has Chuck Priefer being hired as Cardinals’ head coach; McDonough has him taking Ray Handley’s job.

L: COACHING

Alex Spanos refuses to meet Beathard’s salary demands; Beathard replaces Ed McMahon on Star Search. Just think how good the Chargers will be when Boss Ross is no longer in over his head . . .