Tell Me a Story (That I Haven’t Heard Before) : On the Boob-Tubing of the Great White Way

TIMES SQUARE, NEW YORK CITY, 1993: Our scene opens in the walnut-paneled boardroom of the Vanna White National Repertory Theater Company. Seated at a conference table the size of a pageant runway are the board of directors. They are meeting to select the plays the company will perform in the season ahead (inspired, no doubt, by the current trend toward the boob-tubing of culture, “When Stage, Television Collide,” Calendar, Nov. 30).

CHESTER SMALLTONGS: Ladies and gentleman, let me welcome you to the first meeting of our 1994 season. I’m sure each of you has his or her own list of potential hits for the company, so let’s get right to business. Ms. Bridlepath, what treasures of the American theater tickle your fancy?

CORNELIA BRIDLEPATH: Frankly, Chet, I’m still smarting over some of the choices we made last year.

ERIC TOFFEE-HIPHUGGER: But why, my dear? We were the darlings of the Great White Way! Even Frank Rich lauded our interpretation of “Mourning Becomes My Two Dads”!

DOLPH BUTTERPAT: Of course! And what about our touring production of “That’s Some Spicy Meatball”? Or “Gilligan, Prince of Denmark.” To say nothing of “The Bill Cosby Follies.”

BRIDLEPATH: The less said about that, the better.

KEN TREMOLO-ORT: Get used to it, sweetie . . . we just sold the movie rights to Columbia. They’re calling it “Jell-O’s Last Jam.”

TOFFEE-HIPHUGGER: Ouch.

BRIDLEPATH: Am I alone in thinking that recycling old television is an offense against a great tradition of theatrical artistry, purity and creativity?

(In Unison): Yes.

BRIDLEPATH: Then please continue. I’ll just sit here and try to take my own life with the razor sharp edge of this playbill.

SMALLTONGS: Quietly, one hopes. Ken?

TREMOLO-ORT: Well, I’ve spoken with the CBS people just this morning. They’re willing to throw open the vault! Here are just some of the adaptations we’ll have access to; “The Importance of Being Jethro,” “Long Day’s Journey Into Hooterville” and “Waiting for Goober.”

TOFFEE-HIPHUGGER: Can we all spell SRO?

SMALLTONGS: Most exciting! What about NBC?

BUTTERPAT: Not as willing as CBS, I’m afraid . . . it seems they’ve struck an exclusive deal next door at the Pinky Lee Playhouse. All that remains to be had is “The Elephant Manimal” or “Jesus Christ, Supertrain.” Shall we even bother to vote?

BRIDLEPATH: Somebody hand me a pistol, a letter opener, anything!

SMALLTONGS: I think we can do better . . . Eric, you spoke with ABC?

TOFFEE-HIPHUGGER: Indeed . . . and struck gold, I might add. Listen to this! “My Mother the Streetcar,” “Death of a Soupy Salesman,” “Laverne & Shirley Are Dead,” “Charlie’s Angels’ Aunt,” “A Funny Home Video Happened on the Way to the Forum,” “Happy Days of Wine and Roses,” “She Stoops to Monday Night Football” and “Richard III’s Company.”

SMALLTONGS: Tremendous! What about the independents?

BUTTERPAT: I canvassed PBS, smaller studios, cable, advertisers, you name it. Here’s what we can license for ‘94: “Arsenio and Old Lace,” “A California Raisin in the Sun,” “This Old House of Blue Leaves” and “Phantom of the Oprah.” The National Pork Council is still pushing “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Ham” and Fox will pay us quite well to produce its new “Simpsons” musical.

SMALLTONGS: The title?

BUTTERPAT: “Okla-Homer.”

BRIDLEPATH: I feel faint.

SMALLTONGS: Maybe you should put your head between your knees, dear. Anything else?

TREMOLO-ORT: Just a few odds and ends. Where do we stand on “My Fair Martian”?

SMALLTONGS: Pass.

TREMOLO-ORT: “Baywatch Along the Rhine”?

SMALLTONGS: Wolf Trap had it last year.

TREMOLO-ORT: “Der RoseanneKavalier”?

SMALLTONGS: Too Wagnerian.

TREMOLO-ORT: “Valley of the Guys and Dolls”?

SMALLTONGS: Diller’s doing it in the park already.

TREMOLO-ORT: “Les MisterRogers”?

SMALLTONGS: Wrong demographic.

TREMOLO-ORT: Then I’m done.

BRIDLEPATH: Can I go now?

SMALLTONGS: Yes. I think we’re quite finished.