Thoughts on World of Sports

Let’s get this out of the way right away: Dallas 40, Buffalo 17.

The Super Bowl and World Cup have two things in common: The championship game will be played in Pasadena and the American team won’t win it.

What if Thurman Thomas remembers his helmet but forgets the rest of his uniform?

Bill Parcells is going from the New York Giants to the New England Patriots. This is like being with Ingrid Bergman in Paris and then running a bar in Casablanca.

What do Bill Clinton and Tom Lasorda have in common? They both played Sax and they both worry about defense.

Making a trade offer to the Angels is like making a trade offer to Jack at the beanstalk.

If one more sportscaster reports a University of Virginia score by saying, “Yes, Virginia,” yes, I really am going to hurl my TV or radio into the Pacific.

What do Ted Danson and Mike Ditka have in common? No more cheers.

The Ayatollah Khomeini treated Salman Rushdie better for writing “The Satanic Verses” than the Chicago fans and media treated Mike McCaskey for firing Ditka.

Marge Schott’s favorite fragrance is the same as Elizabeth Taylor’s: White Diamonds.

Keeping Joe Montana on the bench is like keeping brandy in the refrigerator.

In the first 20 days of 1993, Miami has lost the national college football championship, lost a trip to the Super Bowl and scored seven points in one quarter of a basketball game. No wonder the Marlins won’t seem so bad.

The baseball cap of the Colorado Rockies has “CR” on it. Duh, somebody must have stayed awake for months thinking that one up.

I see where the U.S. figure skating championships are being held in Arizona. Am looking forward to those national pro beach volleyball championships in Iowa.

Saw Kareem Abdul-Jabbar doing a TV broadcast the other day. Don’t you hate those damned media people?

Reggie Jackson thinks if he hangs around Cooperstown long enough, they will rename it Reggietown.

Surprisingly, all three players the Angels got for Jim Abbott have opted for baseball careers.

I think if we really wanted to scare Saddam Hussein, we would let Charles Barkley chase him down a hallway.

For 25 bonus points, name three Hartford Whalers.

I miss Johnny Most and I never even listened to him.

A good way to open the Super Bowl would be to flip Michael Jackson and see if he comes up heads or tails.

The Super Bowl is now $175 a ticket. I think somebody forgot the decimal point.

I hear “Coach” may be canceled by ABC-TV because he can’t beat UCLA or Notre Dame.

Am I wrong, or does Georgetown play Seton Hall something like 33 times a year?

Frankly, I don’t think Michigan’s five are all that fab.

San Antonio was a natural choice for the Canadian Football League because, as it turns out, almost everybody in San Antonio already speaks Canadian.

Canada was going to invite Atlanta into the league, but was afraid of the Grey Cup being held upside down.

Saw Ottawa’s hockey team play. I’ve seen tougher checking by Kristi Yamaguchi.

Al Davis will go up to a Buffalo receiver before the Super Bowl and say: “Just win, Beebe.”

I believe any horse at Santa Anita that refuses to run in the mud should be suspended for three days without hay.

Next year, Steve Carlton is eligible for the Hall of Fame. I had a dream in which Carlton called up all the baseball writers to see if they would vote for him. And every one of them said: “No comment.”

Along with his boxing career, George Foreman is about to star in a TV situation-comedy. How are we supposed to tell the difference?

Don’t worry if it rains during the Super Bowl. We’ll all take cover under Jimmy Johnson’s hair.