H ow does the defendant plead? Guilty,...

H ow does the defendant plead?

Guilty, Your Honor.

You did indeed attempt to bury a nuclear device under third base at Dodger Stadium, set to go off Opening Day?

Yeah.

Why?

The Dodgers stank last year. This year isn’t gonna be any better.

Why third base, if the court may inquire?

Because that’s where they’ve stunk the worst, ever since The Penguin left.

Let the record show that the defendant is referring to a character in the “Batman” comic strip.

Like hell I am. I mean Ron Cey. That Penguin. Just goes to show how long it’s been.

Yes. Well, as you might imagine, the authorities are curious about how you acquired the expertise to assemble such a bomb.

I took a UCLA Extension course. “Huntin’ and Fission for Fun and Profit.” You have to hijack your own plutonium, but the rest is easy. Just follow the manual.

Do you have anything to do with Hezbollah, Hamas, the Black Hand, the PLO, the Serbian Liberation Front, the Balkans or the Middle East generally?

Nah.

Were you anticipating an unfavorable verdict in the Rodney King or Reginald Denny case?

Nah.

Do you claim to be a reincarnation of Jesus Christ?

Nah.

Then why? Surely baseball can’t be enough--

I got mad. I mean, I got really mad. First the dog doesn’t bring in the morning paper. He chews it up instead. I yell at him and spill coffee all over my shirt. My wife says she’s had it with living 25 years with a slob. She wants a divorce. The kids come downstairs with beepers in one pocket and spray-paint cans in the other. Punks. How did my kids turn into punks? Then a pink slip comes in the mail. The company says, sorry, peace broke out, there’s no market for cruise missiles anymore. No more job. Well, I just drove a forklift, but I know they’ve got plutonium stashed away somewhere. And I guess I . . . kinda snapped.

Don’t you realize that if the bomb had gone off, you would have killed the 60,000 people in the stadium, and perhaps many more?

Yeah, Your Honor. But I figured nobody would miss most of ‘em. I mean, when does an ordinary working stiff go to a ballgame anymore? They’d all have to be bums, drug dealers, real estate people, lawyers--

Whoa, there. The court might have considered sentencing you to attend “The Challenge of Anger,” a free public lecture by Joanne Wolf, a marriage, family and child counselor, at 7 p.m. Thursday at the Fairview Branch Library, 2101 Ocean Park Blvd., Santa Monica. Information: (310) 839-5585. But your callous, unrepentant attitude calls for a sterner penalty.

Why, Your Honor?

Because I’m a lawyer, dummy. And you just made ME mad.