More Reasons to Lose Than Reasons to Win

North Carolina won't win the NCAA basketball tournament because Carolina players generally save their best basketball for after they get out of college.

Indiana won't win the NCAA tournament because Calbert Cheaney, in an unexpected fit of rage, is going to be dismissed from the squad after snapping Coach Bob Knight in the buttocks with a bullwhip.

Michigan won't win the NCAA tournament because the Wolverines devote more time to bumping chests after baskets than they do to blocking out on defense.

Arizona won't win the NCAA tournament because Arizona is never going to be prepared for an NCAA tournament until the whole state packs up and moves East.

Duke won't win the NCAA tournament because without Grant Hill, the Mighty Dukes are dead ducks.

Kansas won't win the NCAA tournament because Adonis Jordan is not going to be enough for a team that could really use Hercules or Zeus.

Seton Hall won't win the NCAA tournament because no bearded coach has ever won anything.

Cincinnati won't win the NCAA tournament because it doesn't want to spoil the 30th anniversary of being the only team that ever lost anything of importance to Loyola of Chicago.

Vanderbilt won't win the NCAA tournament because teammates believe that the day after the Final Four, Billy McCaffrey might pull his old trick of transferring away from a national championship team.

Florida State won't win the NCAA tournament because somebody will blow a last-second field goal.

Utah won't win the NCAA tournament because Coach Rick Majerus will fall on top of two of his best players and crush them.

New Orleans won't win the NCAA tournament because hometown advantage doesn't mean much unless you have the real Earvin Johnson and not this "Ervin" Johnson impersonator.

Marquette won't win the NCAA tournament because Al McGuire is unable to return to coaching because he is still too busy re-inventing the English language.

Coppin State won't win the NCAA tournament because after a while the tournament gets to be a big bore and Coppin State thinks somebody else should win one once in a while.

Arkansas won't win the NCAA tournament because then the team would be invited to the White House, and you know what happens when a bunch of Arkansas people get together. Pretty soon the President of the United States will be standing there in the Rose Garden wearing a plastic pig hat and going "sooo-eee!" and it could really get embarrassing, you know?

Ball State won't win the NCAA tournament unless it is coached by Gene Hackman.

Wright State won't win the NCAA tournament because, come on, get real.

UCLA won't win the NCAA tournament because a TV network will ask it to move the game to 4 o'clock in the morning and the whole team will be really, really tired.

Tulane, LSU, New Orleans and Northeast Louisiana won't win the NCAA tournament because the next time any team from Louisiana wins something will be the first time.

Virginia won't win the NCAA tournament because it wouldn't dare subject us to a thousand "Yes, Virginia" lines by America's favorite "that's so funny I forgot to laugh" sportscasters and sportswriters.

Cal State Long Beach won't win the NCAA tournament because eventually it will run into those older guys from the Philippines.

Oklahoma State won't win the NCAA tournament because it only wins when a world war is ending.

Massachusetts won't win the NCAA tournament unless Doctor J actually has re-enrolled for his doctorate.

Wake Forest won't win the NCAA tournament because, well, trust me.

Evansville won't win the NCAA tournament because I really want it to and I so seldom get what I want.

Coastal Carolina won't win the NCAA tournament because no way it can beat Inland Carolina.

George Washington won't win the NCAA tournament because I cannot tell a lie.

Nevada Las Vegas won't win the NCAA tournament unless a sneaky professor crosses out "Rider" and pencils in "UNLV."

California won't win the NCAA tournament because somebody might yell at it.

So, I guess that means Kentucky will.

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