This Makes the Fourth of July Seem Like a Veritable Drag

In the San Francisco Examiner’s Image magazine, Douglas Cruickshank describes his feelings at the start of a top-fuel drag race:

“The sound these muffler-free creatures emit as they roar off the starting line resembles a clarion call for the Apocalypse, a fanfare played on the trumpets of Armageddon. Imagine Krakatoa on four wheels and you have a sense of the deafening sound and feel if you’re standing anywhere nearby when all eight cylinders erupt.

“Beyond the aural, it’s physical (shucks, maybe even sexual), pure stomach-churning Sensurround, like stepping on the tail of a Jurassic Gargantua that shrieks a hot hurricane right through our head.”

All that in less than five seconds.

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Soccer soothsayer: From Fly, the Sporting News’ caustic commentator: “This just in from Deutsche Presse Agentur (that’s German for ‘We cover a really, really, really boring sport but try to convince everyone that it’s The Most Popular Sport in the World’): Pele says the U.S. soccer team could be to the 1994 World Cup what Cameroon was to the ’90 Cup. Those’re fightin’ words, pal . . . um, aren’t they?”

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Trivia time: Who was the Angels’ first designated hitter?

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Multinational: Nick Price must be the most international of all the golfers who played in the Masters tournament. His father, an Englishman who served in the Indian army, emigrated to South Africa, where Nick was born. The family moved to Rhodesia, where Price grew up and served in the Rhodesian army. He lists Zimbabwe as his homeland and carries a British passport.

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Tough life: Bobby Rahal complained of a sore back as he slid into his Indy car for last week’s race at Phoenix. Asked if his back problems were from bouncing around on the track during practice, the PPG Cup champion said:

“Heck no. It’s from the six rounds of golf I played in the last five days.”

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Fastball follies: Phil Jackman in the Baltimore Sun: “While it’s true Nolan Ryan has had a storied 25-year career slinging the baseball for four teams (all post-1961 expansion clubs), it seems a bit much, the Texas Rangers giving over 27 pages of its media guide to every fastball Nolie ever threw (Jose Canseco gets a conservative 4 1/2 pages).

“There are some interesting tidbits in the deluge, though. Besides his seven no-hitters, Ryan lost five other no-nos in the ninth inning and, believe it or not, Frank Robinson is not among the 5,668 strikeouts he has rung up since 1966.”

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Food report: Herb Caen of the San Francisco Chronicle reports that the newest food fad at the Candlestick Park is the Stinking Rose’s 40-clove garlic chicken sandwich at $4.25.

“Enjoy it,” writes Caen, adding, “But please don’t sit next to me.”

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Trivia answer: Tom McCraw, who went one for four.

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Ouch!From Gary Olson of the St. Paul Pioneer Press: “Before the North Stars’ game with Edmonton, Oiler Coach Ted Green, bothered by a tooth problem for much of the season, went into the equipment room, found a reasonably clean pliers and pulled the offending tooth.”

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Quotebook: Casey Stengel, discussing the potential of a highly touted prospect: “The guy is 21 right now, and in 10 years, he has a good chance to be 31.”