Ice Schlockey: The Sequel : Mighty Ducks Probably Won’t Be the Feel Good Team of the Season

The Disney peewee hockey movie, “The Mighty Ducks,” is slapstick from the first slap shot.

But ever since Walt Disney Co. Chairman Michael Eisner named the entertainment giant’s NHL expansion team after the kids’ team, the movie has gotten a whole lot funnier.

There’s another layer of humor now. We know something the original Mighty Ducks and the original movie audiences didn’t.

We know Disney named its NHL team after the squirts who went from chumps to champs.

So even if you haven’t decided whether you can afford the Ducks’ ticket prices, consider springing for the two or three bucks it will cost to rent “The Mighty Ducks” home video, which was released April 14. Then watch the kids screw up their faces at the first sight of the new jerseys.

“We’re the Ducks?” one kid asks, incredulous.

“Man,” says another. “What brand of jerk came up with that name?”

Well, Mr. Eisner?

Eisner unashamedly named the team the Mighty Ducks over the original objection of just about everyone, including team President Tony Tavares. But the video is renting briskly, and the sequel is on the way, and isn’t this all just ducky?

The movie Ducks--who needed a lot of work to become mighty--are named after the law firm that donated money for equipment, Ducksworth Savor & Gross.

“I didn’t have a choice,” their coach, an arrogant young lawyer played by Emilio Estevez, tells them. “We’re being sponsored.”

“By who?” a youngster asks. “Donald and Daisy?”

Uh, as it turns out for the grown-up Ducks, yes.

The peewee Mighty Ducks are a sorry outfit at first--and the expansion Mighty Ducks who will play at Anaheim Arena beginning this fall are expected to be sorry for a while, too.

The peewee Duck goalie is so afraid of being hit by the puck, he drops his stick and gloves and abandons the crease in fear in the face of an oncoming rush.

This is a team whose skaters are capable not only of fanning on a breakaway, but falling down on a line change.

May the NHL’s Ducks--and their brave fans--be spared.

Of course, by the end of the movie’s predictable plot, the improbably transformed peewee Ducks win the state championship, and Estevez, improbably transformed into a good-hearted guy, kisses his favorite player’s mom.

Along the way, there is ample opportunity for the audience to snicker at the expense of the NHL team that will be formed this summer.

Driver: “The rink’s got to be around here somewhere,”

Coach: “Just look for a sign that says, ‘Personal Hell.’ ”

That’s just about how those who have witnessed NHL expansion describe it. As Boston Bruin assistant Tom McVie has put it: “War is hell. Expansion’s worse.”

Everyone knows victories will be hard to come by in the Ducks’ first season in the NHL. Tavares is hoping the team will be “competitive”--which he allows is a euphemism for “lose by a goal or two.”

The peewee team, 0-9 when Gordon Bombay (Estevez) became its coach, stretches the term “competitive.”

“One was pretty close, though,” a girl tells Bombay. “We only lost by five. And we almost scored a goal, too.”

The movie, which has some decidedly witty moments despite the stock plot, earned a PG rating for language.

In one of the scenes that might prove most prescient about the NHL expansion team, a word is repeatedly used that is not generally accepted usage for this newspaper. However, for our purposes, it could be defined as “to create a partial oral vacuum.”

Just before Bombay sees his team skate for the first time, one of his players warns him: “Uh, just so you know, we really (create a partial oral vacuum.)

To which Bombay responds: “Hey, I’ll decide who (creates a partial oral vacuum) around here.”

Seconds later, he has made his judgment.

“They really (create a partial oral vacuum).”

A word about the coach: We trust Duck General Manager Jack Ferreira will find someone who isn’t named after two brands of gin and didn’t become a coach after being assigned community service for a drunk-driving charge.

Ferreira laughs and confesses he liked the movie, especially for its historical significance. It is set in Minneapolis when Minnesota still had an NHL hockey team. The North Stars are moving to Dallas next season.

Ferreira, a former general manager of the North Stars, enjoyed picking out the photos of old North Stars in the background of some scenes, along with the cameos by two North Stars, Basil McRae and Mike Modano.

Other moments in the movie, if he thought long about them, wouldn’t warm his heart as much. For one, there is Bombay’s first post-game speech: “You guys stink.”

The players snicker.

“You think it’s funny?” Bombay asks. “You think losing is funny?”

“Not at first,” the player says, “But once you get the hang of it . . . “

Coming this fall, the Mighty Ducks at Anaheim Arena.